


The Thing About Dragons

by QueasyBuddy



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: But guess what? Fictional languages babey, Crack, Dragon Zuko (Avatar), Enemies (?) to Coworkers to Friends, Gen, Inspired by Scaled Over (Muffinlance), Kidnapping, Language Differences, Languages and Linguistics, Muffinlance inspired, Stress Relief Story, They aren't accurate, dragon au i suppose, i just think that handing babies to characters is funny, im not gonna pretend im treating this seriously, no need for accuracy here (hides plot holes behind back)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24147925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueasyBuddy/pseuds/QueasyBuddy
Summary: A tragedy about the fragility of patience, the persistence of bullshit, and, most important of all, dragons.Featuring: Baby theft (also known as kidnapping), goose as a personality trait and causes for the typical lack of communication!
Relationships: Aang & Katara & Sokka & Zuko, Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Zuko & Aang
Comments: 197
Kudos: 1030
Collections: A:tla





	1. The Ethics of Toddler-Robbery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MuffinLance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuffinLance/gifts).



Here's the thing about the dragons: they are a symbol of the balance, of the beast reigned in, of the protectiveness one holds for their nation, of the grace of the firebending warriors. 

There is nothing like seeing a dragon - a beautiful, colossal creature, long and sharp - fly, soaring with a swan-like grace, bearing its teeth in the battlefield, honing itself for the glory of its people.

And here's the thing about Zuko: he is the worst dragon there could ever be.

-

Sokka's day hadn't been great, even before the dragon swooped in and stole the baby.

The baby his sister had just thawed from an iceberg with plot-provided water magic, like, not even a whole minute ago.

She was just there, holding the baby up to him, violently shouting, in the Southern dialect, and frankly, he'd say he stopped listening after a while, if he had listened to even begin with. He was just. Making his way to the canoe. Slowly, very slowly, as to not alert the polar-goose. Or the bison. Wh-

Why was there a bison, right behind his shouting sister.

Why was the bison so big.

W-

Why did it have human teeth.

And, of course, when things couldn't get any better, something big, jet black and suspiciously dragon-like swooped in.

And

It

Took

The

Baby.

-

Dekku checked the meal he was preparing very, very carefully.

Chicken-pig shoulder? Check.

Carefully placed bed of potato-carrots? Check

Very hot oven? Very checked.

Human baby?

Wait. No. What. What was it doing there.

Oh. It was Zuko's. The dragon - a very big, very long, very wiggly dragon - looked up at him, its tail lashing about, sleeping human child's orange robes hanging from his mouth, baby in them.

"I'm not going to cook you a toddler." said the cook, matter of factly.

Zuko, apparently, got so morally injured by the implications of that simple statement, he shifted back into human skin, on all fours on the floor, baby still hanging from his mouth.

"WHAT- NO! I WAS GOING TO ASK WHAT YOU FEED-" the baby fell into his arms, and woke up. And looked at Zuko. And started bawling its eyes out.

-

"He got himself cursed again, didn't he?" Teruko asked, and, with Kyo's sigh, simply headed down to the kitchen.

-

Zuko, did not, in fact, get cursed into babyness (babydon? baby? babysm?) again. Instead, Iroh's son- well, nephew - had brought a baby. Into the kitchen. And was now frantically apologizing to the child from where is sat, screeching itself to death.

"Zuko, please. Please tell me where you found the baby. Please." begged Kyo, no formality in his tone. They had known him for far too long, and at that point barely even pretended to think of him as a commander.

You can only keep a certain level of formality with a person who gets themselves cursed every other week.

"I-I don't know?-" he looked away from the baby.

Oh. The lizard. The feral, batshit insane lizard his nephew sometimes accidentally turned into. Perks of dragon-human hybrids, really.

Iroh had no idea of how he had forgotten why his nephew was branded as "feral", in the first place.

Here's a hint: It wasn't his behavior, no matter how surprising that might seem. Yes, Zuko shouted a lot, but essentially all his rude moments were accidental. 

"Oh." said someone in the back, clearly hitting the same key he had.

"So. How are we giving it back." Hanako's hands were massaging her temples. "Like- If you don't remember how you got it. How. How are we giving this stupid fucking baby back to its stupid fucking parents-"

"Don't say fuck in front of him!" exclaimed Zuko. 

"Oh, shit. Sorry."

-

How do you get used to your boss/annoying housemate bringing in a random baby he just kidnapped from some poor water tribe idiot? How do you even react to that? That's the kind of stuff they should teach you at school.

Teruko misses the simpler times. Oh Agni, she misses them. And she is soon going to miss whatever slight semblant of peace they had in some rare, rare times. 

She had already had to raise her younger brother, and then Zuko, and now the agni-damned baby he had brought home while in wiggly mode.

"I'm never going to forgive you" she told Zuko casually as she helped him bathe the baby.

"Oh- For fuck's sake, I didn't even realize-" he yelled, throwing his hands up in the air.

"How do you not realize you kidnapped someone?!"

The toddler giggled from his spot on the tub.

Said toddler did not have a name.

"By the way, what are we calling the thing? Like. While we keep it" please be temporary please please for agni's sake-

Zuko stopped. Zuko pondered. Zuko, with his tiny little lizard brain, stared down onto the floor, as if he hadn't thought of that part yet.

"Uhhhhh.... Mushi?"

"I, as your loyal subordinate, will not allow you to give a poor, innocent child, such a crappy name."

"Zuko the second." he dead-panned.

"Please stop trying to curse this child."

-

Here is the thing about the baby robbery: they had two options, in terms of reaction. And wow, he had never thought he'd ever think that string of words.

The first one, Sokka's favorite, is simply give up, take their monster-sized monster home, eat it, forget all about the toddler.

The second one is to, of course, take the bison, and, instead of going home and saving their village (and Sokka) of starvation, try taking the baby back.

Sadly, his sister convinced (also known, to any outsider with an inch of honesty, as wrangled) him into giving that option a shot. Because c'mon, what would go wrong, if they tried to find the baby-stealing dragon? It's not like it spits fire or anything.

Because maybe, just maybe, if this was a spirit-tale, they had plot armour.

-

Uncle was trying to convince Zuko to play the tsungi horn in music night, because, when you live in a roaming spirit-tale, you cling desperately to any routine you can have. And also, they had to welcome the unnamed baby, even if the arrangement was only temporary.

And, then, as if to tell them that the crazy had only started, a flying bison landed on the deck.

Now that Zuko is human, and less focused on the shiny, shiny, perfectly hoardable child, he realizes how fluffy it is.

(Shiny cute food food food, screams the hyperactive lizard part of his brain, trying to break free and hunt hunt hunt provide for hoard)

Oh. There's something atop the bison.

Oh. It's the lady whose baby he stole. It's the lady whose baby is sleeping on his lap.

Oh.

-

Katara realizes her problem too late: she doesn't know fire-speech. Not a word of it.

Well, she knows two words in the trade language. That ought to do the job.

"FUCK YOU!" she screams.


	2. Zuko's Friendship Tutorial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you have fed the author (also. you guys are like. so nice. far too nice JKDGHDFKJGHS h e l p m e i cannot react properly to all the amazing stuff yall commented. also. nearly 100 kudos???? im-)

Something in Katara tells her that her words weren't quite adequate.

It might be the utter, complete confusion in that ufortunate-looking guy's face.

Or maybe its the old man, looking like he's shitting himself right then and there in his effort not to burst out laughing.

The lady mopping the deck loses it. Fire Nation people laugh the same way real people do, she notices.

Oh well. What's said is said, and she doesn't need to regret anything, because, as much as they look like real people, they aren't.

-

It takes a whole minute for Zuko to conjure up words, in the typical trade language.

"Dont swear in front of the baby!" he screeches, and cover the giggling baby's ears. The child laughs whenever he screams, like it knows something.

She, unlike the baby, didn't seem to understand him. She was just. Standing there. Trembling in silent anger. Like a chihuahua-parrot, except somehow more threathening.

There was someone else. Someone hiding behind the bigfluffyprey- bison. Someone (quivering weak weak eat it eat it) who was whimpering quietly.

"Prince Zuko, I fear our guests do not speak trader-tongue fluently." said his Uncle.

Oh fuck. Oh shit. Fuck him, indeed.

"However, there is indeed an universal language." and then. Then he knew what his uncle was about to say.

Now, Zuko loved his uncle. He respected him, very truly, but sometimes he just wanted to hide him under his wing and make him stop offering tea to every single hostile person who appears in front of them, because they shouldn't be the ones submitting, letting anyone in.

"Uncle. Don't."

The toddler giggled, and got up from his lap, walking up to Zuko's uncle, as if he's telling him to do what he's told to.

"Jasmine or camomile?" he sneers and gets up.

"Jasmine, please. And bring something for our guests to eat, won't you." Uncle pats his knee.

-

Oh, spirits. That. That poor boy's hair. Why did he look so fucking unfortunate with that hairstyle on. It was like. Dangling there. Mercilessly daring Sokka not to donate some bison fur to hide that shiny, glistening forehead.

The old man - his dad maybe? Or granddad? He didn't even know-

He tapped the floor beside him, as if telling them to come closer. Aw, hell no, that guy was smiling, and seemed very friendly, too friendly. No way Sokka was going anywhere near that.

His sister, thankfully, didn't get even a step nearer to the possible firebender. 

A minute passed. Two minutes passed, in the most awkward silence possible, the woman cleaning the deck still somehow pretending that everything was fine and simply doing her job, as if that was a normal thing to happen.

And then, the Boy With An Unfortunate Ponytail returned, carrying a tray.

A tray with something that Sokka could identify as tea, like the awful, terrible stuff Gran-Gran made him drink whenever he got sick. And then, right beside it, something smelling like heaven.

Cookies.

Delicious-looking, mouth-watering cookies.

Oh, Tui and La, he was hungry. In a kinder world, he would be, in that moment, munching on some fish, if, when he had gone fishing that morning, he'd actually gotten any fish, and no involvement on an ongoing spirit-tale.

The old man smiled gently. His son/apprentice/pet dragon did not. In fact, he glared at Sokka, with his weird, yellow eyes.

Sokka and his stomach made the executive decision to not give a shit.

-

Those were his cookies, thought Zuko.

Those were his cookies the barbarian was devouring.

Those cookies, which were his, that were being stared at by the barbarian with hair loopies, which otherwise did not move from her... battle stance? Rabies-induced paralysis?

She didn't even have an idle animation.

Instead of looking at the cookies, he simply stared at her.

He'd missed his staring contests with Azula.

(how they'd stare at each other and whoever blinked first would get pouced on, and then they'd play-fight like the little children they were, before everything fell apart and they'd learned what being human meant)

And, as he always did with Azula, he won that staring contest by replacing the act of blinking with a simple lick to his eye.

Like Azula used to, the girl attacked him.

-

Here's the thing about Zuko, when it comes to fights:

It is never a simple spar, or a battle. It's a fight for control of himself. 

For how long has it been like that?

It doesn't say anything, from its crawlspace inside him. Instead it roars, a constant screech, in a blood-driven heat.

Scales, coming up painfully through his skin, his bones begging to twist, the thing inside him biting and clawing its way out, with all the force it has. 

It wants to protect, to shred and tear everything apart, to burn everything to crisps, so that whatever threathens its territory knows never to come back.

His head is going hazy, but he won't give up.

Zuko doesn't want to hurt anyone, ever again.

-

The boy twisted and bent as Katara ran forward, driven by her fear and her need to keep it safe, to keep them safe

His jaw. It was open, far more open than a true person's jaw would ever get.

They are too many - there's a second row of them, crammed tightly in his barely-human mouth.

Why do they look so sharp, glinting in what little sunlight comes through the clouds?

And now he's running, on all fours, but... not at her?

She doesn't attack, doesn't dare to, as the not-human-not-dragon thing bites at itself, fights with itself, and crashes, seemingly on purpose, against a wall.

-

Zuko wakes up to tiny hands feeling his face. 

W-

What? 

(ours ours ours yes you are yes you are, you are all ours you are hoard you are mine) 

(Zuko can feel the thing's smile, right there on his face)

He shakes the child off when it tries to get a feel for the ruined side of his face.

He then sees the other people. His uncle, looking concerned (even though he shouldn't be, that's a normal Zuko stunt to be pulled, really, he shouldn't have to worry, he shouldn't feel obligated to care)and the tribal children.

With a look of pity on their faces.

He scowled, and barely kept himself from hissing. Oh, nevermind, he didn't.

So, she was a waterbender. Well, then he had one obligation, one honourable thing to do, to protect his hoard.

"Teruko, take them to the prison! Now!" it's not a prison, not exactly, but it sounds more intimidating than "put them in the junk closet, they're on time out".

"Are we keeping the bison?" asked Teruko, from where she had just. Been mopping up the floor. All the time.

-

"Katara, what the actual, fishfucking fuck."

"He was staring at me!"

"A guy looks at you and you try killing him?"

"Are you going to complain about me, instead of the creepy, baby-stealing, twisty ass, possessed guy?"

"Well, he gave me cookies, you never even did that!"

They were in a prison. In a prison on a ship. Well, it was not a prison, as much as it was some kind of weird storage room. It was very small, and full of random things. Small statues, paintings, tea crates.

They didn't even let them keep the bison, not that it would fit in there.

Or the baby. One would argue that a baby is more important than an animal, but Sokka, personally, would take something edible over something that needs to eat.

-

It's music night. Zuko's one good eye is purple, there's a baby strapped to his chest, and there's a bison on the deck, just chilling there.

So, he leaves while Jee falsettos as high as possible, because who wouldn't, and goes to the storage room where they're keeping two teenagers.

Because really, who wouldn't?

He's a man of honor. Also, maybe the waterbender won't kill him if he gives them visitation rights.

Or maybe that will just motivate them more to like murder his entire bloodline. Or worst, sue him.

Well, hopefully some of the leftover roast will help convince them not to waterboard anyone, or bring them to court, whatever.

-

Sokka misses the simpler days. Such as, but not limited to, yesterday.

First, they thaw out a baby, and then they thaw out a monster, and then another monster kidnaps the baby they just thawed, and then they learn their monster can fly and end up on a fire nation ship, and the monster from before goes apeshit and locks them in a closet.

And, now, said apeshit insane fire nation abomination (eh, that rimes pretty well. maybe he should be a poet?) is coming in, a half eaten piece of meat in one hand and baby strapped to his armoured chest.

He says something in his weird, nonsensical language, and sits down on a crate, holding out the roast in a ritualistic manner.

He looks as awkward as they feel.

There's a whole minute of stunted, movement-free silence between the group.

"Does. Does he want us to eat that whole thing with our bare hands?" whispers Katara

The man mutters something to himself (or maybe the baby), and his face goes red and embarassed.

Then, with both his hands, he starts emmanating smoke.

"OH GOD NO DON'T SET IT ON FIRE ILL EAT IT-" screams Sokka

Both man and toddler hold their hands up, similar expressions of confusion on their faces.

-

Oh. Thats why they didnt take the roast, because he forgot to cut it!

Where did Zuko leave his knife? 

-

The guy gets up, and procceeds to fumble around, and take out a knife.

Katara starts screaming.

Sokka starts screaming.

The baby starts screaming.

The guy starts screaming.

True harmony is achieved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today's recommended thing is: muffinlance, altough yall KNOW her stuff


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HKJFGHDFJG i can't respond to y'all properly without making everything sound generic, but MAN am I happy for y'all

Iroh's hardest job isn't being a war general, or even a father, although it is related to that. It is simply masking his constant, consistent, ever-growing confusion.

He has seen many things, horrible and beautiful. Yet, he has never seen anything that makes him want to eat a house more than his nephew's antics.

He doesn't know what he did, but now their prisioners/temporary children in time out are free, running about the ship, and his nephew is chasing them, knife in one hand and baby on the other, apologizing frantically.

There is no need for explanation, not from the spirits, not from Agni himself, and not from his own mortal brain, which leaves him there, smiling peacefully, desperately trying to keep it together.

-

The baby is very much delighted.

The lizard-man and his blue friends are making funny sounds, and also running around with Aang, which is fun.

Very fun.

(It probably doesn't help them, that the guy with a knife is also holding a baby, who is laughing maniacally.)

-

WHAT, thinks Sokka. There is no fuck. There is only what.

He just wants to go home, but, for now, he is being chased into a corner by the Maniac With An Unfortunate Hairstyle, and huddling very close to Katara, and no he's not behind her, what do you mean- she's just willingly in front of him. 

It's not that he's behind her, it's that she's in front of him.

The guy comes to them. And stops, a couple of feet away. And then says something that sounds like swearing, and turns back. 

He just. Walks away like that.

-

Zuko forgot the roast, agnidamnit. How's he gonna feed them like that? He can't give them an apology dinner without the dinner.

-

Iroh enters the room, a calm smile on his face, his hands raised up, his nephew, looking embarassed out of his mind, behind him.

Now, Iroh thinks he knows some of the language spoken in the water tribes. It's the northern dialect, but hopefully it'll be enough, since the language used to be a single thing before the war.

Either way, it'll have to do.

-

Whatever the man thinks he's saying, he's not saying it. It's half gibberish, half indiscernible because of his stupid sing-song accent.

"Therefore, frog?"

They can at least understand when he points to himself, smiling, and tells them his name is Iroh.

"Sokka" he points to himself, and receives a short bow in exchange. Weird. Maybe he should've done that too? Well, too late to go back, therefore, fuck it.

"Katara-" he whispers, tugging her along. She might not think they are people (hell, from what they've seen yet, they aren't), but their lives still depend on obliging the man with his courtesy.

She doesn't do anything. She doesn't seem to be hearing him.

Well, shits and fucks, that's on him.

"This is Katara, my sister." he smiles and bows, and then the guy's murderous nephew shoves a slice of meat on his face.

Had. Had he been trying to feed them this entire time.

Had that idiot, that utter lizard-brained bastard had chased them with a knife because he wanted to feed them.

Y'know what? Sokka's gonna grow disensitized to that someday, but better get used to that now.

He grabs the piece of meat - it's warm and toasty and perfectly rare-but-not-raw - and shoves it into his mouth.

Wrong option.

"WHY IS THIS SO SPICY WHAT THE FUCK-"

sO THAT HAD BEEN A TRICK ALL ALONG.

And his sister, curse her horrible little cursed soul, focuses back on reality and starts laughing. Traitor.

-

Well, that makes sense. Iroh should've thought about that. He really should.

The food's clearly far too salty.

-

Iroh can't figure out the words, the way to ask the question.

"Where did we get you? Where do we put you back?"

In retrospect, he doesn't think he knows enough water tribe for that. They can't be too far away from the village, right? So he'll just... suggest that they look for it.

(He was there for a good retirement, maybe some convincing his nephew that he's better off not blaming himself for his abuser's actions. If he does not get either of these things, he can and will eat koh's little bitch centipede legs)

-

Okay. They've fed the barbarians. Just. Just gotta put the two of 'em to sleep, and try, desperately, not to spend the whole night wondering why that is happening to them.

"Please tell me we're not putting two children in the cargo hold."

"We are putting two children in the cargo hold."

\- 

Sokka and Katara are making their escape, baby sleeping, footsteps silent.

No they do not know the layout of the ship. No, they do not know where they are. No, they do not know where their bison is. No, they're not gonna let that stop them.

Because they are two teenagers, and if there's anything concrete in this world, there is nothing more powerful than a teenage girl and her animal sidekick. No, that's not Sokka. That's the bison. He's not sure where he fits in, but he's not the animal sidekick. Mom said it wasn't his turn to be the sidekick.

They have about half of what they need to actually get out, and oh spirits what is that crunching noise.

"Katara, no!" he whisper shouts, as she dashes to the room where the sound is coming from.

She doesn't pronounce the "Katara yes", but, needless to say, he gets it.

-

Zuko is merely having a good, healthy time in the kitchen, doing what every teenage boy does:

Eating.

Eating the most delicious thing in the world: Crispy on the outside, ooey-gooey on the inside eggs. He doesn't even have to cook them!

Its very calming, to cronch an egg as you wear a full suit of armor, at god knows what hour of the morning. That's probably what power feels like.

Someone interrupts his meal.

"Uncle?" he hides the egg he just bit through, and hopes uncle can't see the bits of shell on his teeth in the dim candlelight. Uncle always tends to worry about salmonela, when Zuko does that.

Oh, it's not uncle. It's the barbarian girl.

They'd just put the bastards to bed. They'd locked the room they put the bastards in. Why were the bastards out.

Maybe she was hungry? 

"You want an egg?" he holds out the half eaten delicacy.

She looks at him with the purest expression of disgust he's ever seen, but then, mutters the word "egg" to herself a couple of times, and yells, before running away:

"YOU EGG!"

He is left there. Egg on his hands, stomach half-full, brain smooth.

-

Did his sister forget they were supposed to be silent? Because now she's running for her life, leaning drastically forward, her arms thrown out behind her back.

So, because he is the closest thing their entire village has to a responsible adult (Gran-Gran doesn't count, she's too old to be an adult), he runs after her, and hopes the baby he's being forced to carry won't wake up.

His pleas for something to go right go unanswered, for the world is unfair and, if the spirits were real, they'd be mocking him.

The baby doesn't cry. The baby laughs. The baby laughs gleefully, loudly, making-fun-of-Sokka-ly.

Once this all is over, Sokka is merely going to sleep.

-

Kyo is woken, at fuck-o-clock, by a baby giggling.

That's fine. The house is on fire, but Kyo is fine, because it's been three years since the last time the house wasn't on fire.

Oh. Wait. The laughter is... Coming right from the corridor? Well okay then, he's just gotta put the baby back in the Prince's room.

It's like. One minute until Kyo can go back to sleep.

Why is there someone running in the corridor? Shit shit shit.

-

Kyo doesn't want to be mean, so he merely picks the children up and, as gently as a man who is being kicked in the kidneys repeatedly can, carries them to the crew's bedroom.

"We're watching you." he says, and promptly falls asleep.

At least he remembered to lock the door this time

-

Of course Katara knew even ashmakers slept. No she wasn't surprised, to see them off their armors, all human and sleeping in funny positions, draped all over their matresses.

For some reason all their rooms were warm, unnaturally so. It was supposed to be winter, but Katara found herself bothered with the fact that she didn't have frostbite.

Her emotionally deep, intriguing introspection was interrupted by a boomerang being thrown at her.

Now, this was not a violent, at-the-head throw. It was a light smack on her thigh, essentially, as far as a weapon could be a smack.

Oh. The baby. In her edgy, revolutionary thinking of how cozy a bedroom was, she had forgotten that they were kidnapping a kidnapped child.

"Look at him, no idea what's going on" whispers Sokka "I wish that were me"

She rolls her eyes.

"HOLLY SHIT WE SHOULD NAME HIM BOOMERANG!" he suddenly yells.

One of the ashmakers mumbles something. Probably telling them to shut up.

"I'm not letting you name a child boomerang."

"Boomer?"

"That's a cursed sound you're making with your mouth"

"Ang?"

"Please stop."

"Aang?" 

She decides to ignore him from then on, and simply monitor the enemy.

The enemy sleeps on, insultingly unbothered.

Katara monitors harder, and hopes they can feel her fury.

-

Zuko merely forgets about his brief encounter with Barbarian Number Two, for it was late at night and he, as a sleep deprived teenager, has already had a fair share of hallucinations.

That is, until the crew goes to the cafeteria for breakfast, and Zuko sees Savage The Second.

They look at each other and, in each of their eyes, there is the horrible terror of seeing someone you did something weird in front of.

So, as any normal person does, he sits right beside the person whom he's keeping prisioner, and whose child he kidnapped (not on purpose, but still), and who saw him eating raw eggs.

His congee is warm, and so is his face.

-

The guy just. Sits there, his face redder than his armor, staring at his rice miserably/squintily if you're only seeing the crispy side of his face.

He isn't even eating. He's just. There. Awkwardly keeping his eyes on his uneaten food. If he doesn't want it, Sokka will eat it for him (except he isn't, because he is far too scared of the raw egg man)

Aang - bless his bravery - throws a piece of his broccoli on the guy. 

"Aang, no!" he yells.

OH fuck that kid's gonna die he's gonna die fuck fuck fuck.

Zuko stops for a second. And says something, that also has Aang on it, and, still talking, gives the kid his broccoli back and just... pats his head.

And goes back to staring at his food. 

The baby is the only person eating. And by baby, Sokka means himself.

He is baby. He is eating. And if Katara keeps staring at the raw egg man, who keeps to staring the floor, then he'll eat their food too.

-

They have one mission: put those children back where they came from, and move on with their supposed quest/extensive vacation from all forms of normal life.

They have one obstacle: Zuko wants to keep the baby.

(baby is ours and if they want baby they have to be ours too)

Well, kind of.

He needs an excuse to why he wants to keep the baby and he needs it soon.

-

How had they not thought of handing the water tribe children a map before.

Like. How do you even-

How do you forget maps exist?

Well, either way, at least the two of them know where their village is, approximatly, which means that, unlike what was previously speculated in the cafeteria earlier that day, they aren't adopting other random people just because Prince said so.

On a less positive note, that means Teruko got drunk at nine sun-dialed hours for nothing.

-

They find the village by sunset. 

More specifically, the warship - yes it's tiny and rusted and barely running, but it was a military vessel one day, long, long ago - crashes into their village's wall.

If the black smoke didn't alert the people in there of their presence, that did.

"HEYOO" yells Sokka, grinning, signaling as well as he could that everything is fine via interpretative dance, as he is flanked by two crewmen.

Their masks effectively counteract his wicked moves.

-

Kanna sighs. If the goddamn soldiers come there for waterbenders again she's going to show them the coolest water move (waterboarding).

And, her stupid, stupid grandson is violently twerking, flanked by two of the men, shouting even more violently that all is good and fine.

Yup, gotta get rid of him, for his own good. Nobody's gonna let him live that down.

-

Katara is about to go home and forget all that, once she finds The Raw Egg Man, who stole her baby (well, not really hers, but she found him before and the rule of finders keepers really only applies when you find something before the fire nation does), but her brother is now doing something very stupid and-

And the fire nation soldiers joined in on his dancing.

Katara is a reasonable person.

Katara is becoming less reasonable by every day, as she approaches her breaking point.

But for now, Katara will bend but not break. And by bend, she means bending water into those idiots so that they stop making fools of themselves in front of her entire village.

-

Yup, Zuko's keeping the (hatchling) baby.

That place is too cold for something that small, he justifies. And if he needs to keep the parents/siblings of the baby, then he will too.

But it's too late, now. They're at the village. Sokka is dancing fervently and yelling something. Savage The Second (whose actual name he just can't seem to remember) is, with great effort, lifting up a water whip, clearly about to hit him and the two soldiers on bodyguard duty, which just proves to him that they're indeed siblings.

"Lower the bridge, goddamnit" he yells at Jee, so that his guests can stop disgracing everyone's bloodline.

"Noo- don't do that! It's funny!" begs Teruko.

Jee's armor creaks spell that she does have a point, but he opens up a pathway to stop the oncoming chaos either way, because he knows that in the end, that won't matter.

-

Her granddaughter runs out of the ship. She looks like she hasn't slept, which, well, understandable.

Her grandson, however, is just. Standing there. At least he's not dancing anymore.

Kanna is far too old to be subtle (she has told herself that since she was five).

"Are you sure you don't want to go with them?"

-

W-

Why's she walking back to the ship.

Oh Agni why is she walking back to the ship.

Kazuto is quaking in his boots.

-

"Sokka, get here and please, for the love of La, argue with Gran-Gran."

-

The crew watches the exchange, baffled and confused.

Teruko is still making commentary, clearly drunk, on what she thinks is going on.

"Okay, so now they're arguing on who gets the baby- I think they're having a divorce-"

"I'm pretty sure they're siblings-"

"Pretty brave words, for someone who's about to catch my hands-"

-

Kanna is arguing on why they should explore the world. Katara is, like any sane person, replying that those are ashmakers, not true comrads.

A fight breaks out somewhere. A fight breaks out somewhere behind them. It's very loud, even from the distance.

Oh. The ship. Two of the armoured soldiers are slapping the shit out of each other. The Raw Egg Man is stomping away, one hand in his ear, the other holding the baby, which is attached to his hip like a tumor.

"You see? That's why it's your fate to go aboard that ship. They are fractured. You must take them down. Go slap those bitches."

Oh no. She has an argument.

-

The waterbender is walking back to the ship. The waterbender is walking back to the ship. 

Kazuto is hyperventilating. Kyo and Teruko are having a fistfight. Iroh is loudly commenting on the best sizes for tea cups. Zuko is brooding in a corner, baby's hands up his nose.

None of them seems to realize that there's a murderous teenage girl coming for them.

Jee sighs, and resigns himself to his untimely fate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today's content recs are: my tumblr! i made myself one, and it's here, ready and cozy for all of you < 3 https://queasybuddy.tumblr.com/
> 
> oh, and this song. i think abt it a lot (warning: swearing! dont wanna catch anyone unprepared fdhgjdfh, especially if someone with an english speaking family decides to listen to it in the middle of their kitchen) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXK03FHVsHk


	4. How To Assert Your Natural Dominance Over Your Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what it says on the tin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my brain? gone
> 
> me? not rly sorry
> 
> also fun fact: if a chapter for something im writing isnt good enough ill just delete it n start over  
> thats why this took so long hdkjfghdfjk
> 
> ALSO HOLLY SHIT THIS GAINED SO MUCH TRACTION???????????

  
Turns out, Teruko did indeed have a reason to drink before midday! Agni, she was such a prophet.

Her mind? Incredible.

Her head? Hurting a lot. Like, a whole lot.

She wasn't sure if it was the hangover or the fact that the two savages were clearly trying to get on their ship.

"Please just give them their bison, I'm begging you-" begs Kyo, from his spot on the floor.

"Then beg" she tells him, even though he has a point.

  
-

  
Iroh has one thought oh. Is it _oh no_ or _oh sure_? He isn't sure.

On one hand, his nephew might socialize with people his age for the first time in three years. On the other hand, he knows exactly what Zuko does when he meets new people.

He is having flashbacks to when his nephew was still swathed in bandages, and, when he realized that ship was the place they were going to be living in for an indeterminate amount of time, decided to assert his natural dominance over a crew of fully-grown, fully-confused adults who, up to that point, had only heard rumors of how his banishment had gone.

(Of how, when Fire lord Ozai burned his son's face, the prince's body contorted into a black beast, which, despite previously begging for mercy, swearing to be his ever-loyal son, attacked the ruler of their nation with no mercy.

Oh, and of how they were now stuck with the thing that ripped the fire lord's face off. Thinking back, Zuko didn't even need to "assert dominance", for obvious reasons)

  


-

It's dinner time. 

It's also, for the entire crew, try-to-keep-Zuko-from-putting-himself-in-serious-danger-or-social-embarrassment time. Well, that name kind of implies that they actually have a chance of succeeding, which they don't.

"Maybe we should let him do his thing this time, maybe then the water savages might leave? Like, earlier?" asks Kazuto.

Oh no, he has a point.

On one hand, that's their kid, and he's defnitively going to be embarassed of his bastard phase when he's older, but, on the other, it is really funny. Like, really, really funny. 

"Okay, but what if, whenever he quotes theater, we take a shot?"

-

  
Zuko knows what everyone expects him to do.

And Zuko is going to do it anyways. Because he can, and because he doesn't have much of anything else to do.

_(and it's our duty it's what mother taught us it's duty)_

Plus, that's pretty much all he knows how to do, when it comes to socializing with people.

Ah yes, that thing everyone does: establishing superiority.

-

  
Katara sits down at the deck, and does her best to mute outthe gibberish chattering, instead staring at the sea. She can feel a snowstorm coming. She isn't sure if it's an actual snowstorm or just the consequences of her stupidity, but it's coming either way.

Why did she do that. That's so stupid. Just, _why_.

What does she do, now? How does she take down all those armoured soldiers?

Then, one of them - Ponytail dude, Egg Head, Zuko or whatever - manifests in front of her, like the haunting sight it is to see someone with a face so punchable so up close.

A couple of things happen, in quick succession:

1 - Zuko, staring at her unblinkingly yet again, and climbs atop the railing.

2 - Zuko opens his arms wide, like he's about to give her a hug.

And

3 - Zuko lights himself on fire.

Katara, no thought put into it except "hey you're blocking my view", pushes him off the railing.

  
-

  
Sokka has good news: he found the kitchen!

Sokka also has bad news: There is someone in the kitchen, and he doesn't know how to ask where the snacks are.

Still, at least the guy's cooking, even if that is a woman's job, but still, the food smells delicious.

Different, but also really good. He just hopes its not as spicy as the last time (or preceeded by an armed chase, which, now that he's thinking about it, sounds even more like the worst attempt at awkward socialization, which is making him wonder who the fuck raised that guy).

"What do we have here?" he asks, pointing to the nice-smelling pan, knowing that there is no way that guy understands him.

Yet, the man, taking a minute to consider, says something.

_Nice words, shame mine are better,_ thinks Sokka.

-

  
Dekku thinks he knows what the boy asked (damn thats just a boy we already have a boy why do we need another one), so he answers.

He rubs his chin in contemplation, and then repeats the word to himself a couple of times.

"Stew!" he nails the pronounciation.

_Hm. Hm. Very hm._

Dekku has an idea.

  
-

  
Sokka is receiving an impromptu lesson on firespeak. There are four separate words for cupboard.

Sokka hates the fire nation with a passion, because who the fuck in fucking hell needs a fucking fourth word for cupboard, aren't three enough?

He really likes the word for "burning", though, which is what the rice is doing. He is going to tell Zuko his vibes are burning.

Talking about Zuko, Sokka has the budding suspiction that maybe, just maybe, he isn't imagining the wet footsteps and creepy dragging. Or maybe it's just the look of disappointed horror in the cook's face.

Uh. Wonder what that lad is doing. 

He desperately wants to not look at the source of the noise, but he does it anyway.

_Excuse me sir, but what the FUCK._

Why is he _drenched_?

Why is he glaring at Sokka? Is this a staring contest? Again?

And why, in all of fucking Koh's fucking lair, is he carrying a narwhal-sunfish?

And, he dropped it on Sokka. Great. Amazing. Very sexy of him, to ruin everything.

  
-

Sokka wishes he could say the dinner went well.

Sadly, the Egg Man, who had previously dropped a mola-mola on him, sat down with them again. Oh, and the older guy, who exhuded weird uncle vibes, altough not necessarily of the malicious lizard type.

This isn't going to be fun for Sokka's processing skills, is it?

  
-

"Hello, Zuko here." he greets, waving. He's either immitating Aang or Aang is immitating him.   
  


He doesn't want to be there, but uncle wants him to "make friends". A part of Zuko wants to show them his colonialism views and the other part of him wants to eat dinner in peace for once.

Maybe he can have a peaceful dinner. That would be a great treat.

Sadly, he is sitting with a waterbender, who is, very unsubtly, even for Zuko's standarts, attempting to waterbend soup up his nose.

Oh, you wanna soup bend me? You little wilted flower? You little crayon-looking crayon?

  
-

  
Anyways, Sokka and the uncle-looking man are trying to have a conversation when, about twenty seconds into the meal, Zuko and Katara start a food fight.

The two are screaming at each other. Not words, mind you, because they are both painfully aware of their different languages. It is simply, to put it down as written, _A A A A A_ over and over.

The crew isn't even looking. The only sign of a reaction is that one of them is merely walking out, soup in hands, sadness on his hunched-over back.

Sokka does the same, walking out as the two idiots beside him proceed to thunk each other with empty soup bowls.

  
-

  


Sokka goes to the kitchen, one question in mind, to the one person who seemed capable of proper human interaction in that ship.

"Where we" he points to himself and the shamefull-looking Katara besides him "sleep."

His "sleep" motion is punctuated by clear gestures that are left up to interpretation.

He feels like the one-word response he receives means nothing but "what".

"Sleep?" he drops himself onto the floor, and curls up sleep-style.

  
-

  
Dekku is but a simple cook, and a simpler man. He loves his husband, he hates this bullshit, there's a teenager in clear distress on his kitchen, none of these are surprising news.

Is flailing around, curling up on the floor and pretending to sleep a sign of water tribe pain?

No, because the other water child (the one who's already made friends with the prince), looks as confused as he does.

"Do- Do you want to sleep? Is that what you're telling me?" he begs for understanding, for he is a simple cook, and he did not ask for any of this.

No spirit hears his pleas.

  
-

  
Morning comes. That means another day has passed, which is good.

That also means another day is coming, which isn't.

Teruko somehow got the parka girl (Katana, or something like that) to mop up the deck for her, so she's just hanging out at the kitchens, watching parka boy and Dekku attempt to communicate.

The boy doesn't want to boil pasta water.

Dekku just seems to think he doesn't know how to boil pasta water, which, well, that could be the case. Teruko knows very well that smart people are just a folk tale.

Dekku violently shakes the salt dish. The boy does an otter-penguin impression, takes the shaker and throws all of its contents into his mouth.

"Excuse me?" yells Dekku.

The boy immitates the words, jokingly ennunciating, spitting salt everywhere, and walks out.

-

  
Sokka goes away, salty taste in his mouth, focused on going onto the deck.

Somehow, in that awful little maze, instead of the deck, he finds the bison.

It was sleeping, before Sokka crashed onto it.

Sokka quickly exits, pursued by a bison.

  
-

  
It's a beautiful, snowy day.

Snow falling in soft flakes, a dragon rolling around and melting it all into puddles of water.

He's actually kind of cute, Katara thinks.

It's big, but only in the sense that it's long. Very long. Like a big snake-seal, except it has four nubby, squatty little legs, and nubbier little horns.

It seems intent on showing how warm it can make itself get to the baby, who is clapping at its tricks.

For once, she kind of... Isn't too scared of the fire nation. At least they also like their children, she thinks.

Everything is going alright, uh? That's great, she thinks, mere seconds before she hears her brother screaming, and something very, very heavy running.

How does a bison even fit down there?

Oh, nevermind, it's up here now, and it's coming for pretty much everyone.

Before that moment, the only thing she'd ever seen with such hatred in its eyes was herself.

She is sure all of her tribe will mourn Sokka, who, instead of dodging, is just running in a straight line. 

On one hand, she's his sister, and thus has an innate desire to let her brother screw himself over in every possible way. On the other hand, she's his sister, and she doesn't want him to die.

So she yells at him.

"JUST DODGE, DIMWIT!"

The other dimwit, also known as Zuko, was still paralyzed, in front of the baby.

Wait, no, it was readying itself for a fight.

That's a true idiot.

She is morally oposed to letting nature take its course, though, so she is forced to jump in and drag that fucking idiot and the baby, who did nothing wrong except let Sokka pick its name.

Sadly, all her efforts are for nothing, as the bison simply runs off and takes flight.

And oh Tui and La and Koh and whoever else is laughing in another realm, is that Sokka, clinging to the thing's chest?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my writing tumblr: queasybuddy.tumblr.com
> 
> uhhh if u wanna give me attention ill like  
> thank you for it i guess  
> anyways thanks siblings i appreciate you to no end


	5. How To Tame Your Bison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to go down a more focused route when it comes to writing these chapters, because I feel like the constant jumping between characters has served its time, when I needed to convey the absurd chaos that was this story until now. Yes, this still has more than a single POV, for I feel like I cannot just focus on a single storyline yet. 
> 
> (In case y'all have yet to notice, this story is mostly meant as haha funny and practice)

Suki had been trying to get used to the awful feeling in her chest, like a premonition of something terrible looming over the horizon, when the goddamn flying bison landed on the docks.

Despite Kyoshi Island being a relatively neutral place, it was not a bumblebullshit-friendly place. Suki just put on her makeup and was getting ready for a peaceful day of mild violence.

Then, while she was taking a pleasant morning walk on the village, she heard screaming, and saw something big barreling down towards her.

Suki, just like most normal people, is aware that sky bison aren't a thing anymore. Yet, one of them is rapidly making its way towards her very direction. And, if you excuse her, she is going to run, just out of the thing's way, because, despite her being very sexy and powerful, she isn't sure she is sexy and powerful enough to survive a giant, six-legged animal landing on top of her.

Wait. What is that on the monster's chest?

Is that a fucking person? Aren't they aware that things like that are meant to be riden, not... whatever that is?

Before Suki can say anything, it lands... surprisingly peacefully, and the person plops down gracelessly on the dirt road.

The townspeople, who have gathered around the silent commotion, look about as confused as she does at the presence of a pretty boy on a Giant Extinct Animal (although she supposes there are cooler extinct animals for a pretty boy to ride into town).

Oh hell no, he's wearing blue. Aren't all of the water tribe people supposed to be at war? Like, don't get her wrong, they're really nice and their music is amazing, but, well...

Her water-speech (waterguese? aquanish?) sucked ass.

Did they sent one of them back south specifically to bother her?

"Hello?" she greets the guy, who is being glared at by the six-legged monstrosity while he attempts, rather poorly, to catch his breath. It comes more like a "hewwo" than anything.

"Hello, female." (it's probably intended as hey girl, but it translates to "hello female" with the tone alone and it makes suki want to retire, and she's only fifteen).

That very moment, Suki decides to gag him.

-

It is a beautifull day. The southern sun shines upon them. Thank Agni, that enormous whore.

Katara is making distress calls. Katara has been making distress calls for over an hour.

Iroh's nephew is yet to return from the find-the-bison mission. They just lost the last member of an extinct species, again.

The baby had started crying too, which is just fantastic. Teruko has decided to do a Zuko impression, apparently thinking that pretending she has a cactus stuck in her throat is valid.

He tries to remember what his wife used to do when Lu Ten was that age and cried, but either those memories have been repressed to the point of no return or his son, at that age (one? two? something in between? well, certaintly less than sixteen), simply did not cry.

"And then, my honor flew away, my wife on its arms!" Teruko Doing A Zuko Impression yells, tears in her eyes.

Iroh thinks he can do a better impression of his nephew, but, since said nephew is quickly flying towards them, he refrains himself from doing so.

-

Suki's life gets harder by the minute, as she and her warriors struggle to decipher what the fuck the little blue man is attempting to say.

"Therefore" or so, she's not sure, it's the same word for both but she's sure he's trying to be formal.

"What?" Cuifen, her fellow warrior and companion in suffering, snapped.

"We boarded that fire nation ship, and I flew away on the bison. Accidentally."

"What?"

"Got stuck on a flying bison."

"How that even happened?" no she isn't ennunciating right no she doesn't care for that, even with her mental Kuzon (her languages teacher) screaming his poor, poor head off. 

"It was rushing at the baby. I tried to stop it, but it ended up flying away."

"Excuse me?" How did he not even think of mentioning a baby before?

"WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?! Me and Katara- that's my sister - boarded a fire nation ship, because they stole the baby we found on an iceberg, and the bison - it was on the ship - tried to attack it, so when I went to stop it from rampaging, it flew away with me attached to it!"

"Your way of stopping a rampaging, fuck knows how many tons animal, is to put your body on the way?" yelled Cuifen.

"YES."

"Who the fuck trained you. Come on, I'll teach your stupid ass."

-

Zuko crash lands gracelessly on the deck, faceplanting onto the metal. Iroh is, needless to say, incredibly worried.

Yes, he is aware that a dragon-human child usually doesn't have reflexes that are much better than those of a seagull-pidgeon, but knowledge and acceptance of a fact are entirely different things.

To his surprise, though, Zuko doesn't immediatly turn back, instead running to the Crying Corner, currently occupied by one particular water tribe child.

He wiggles his way into the nook, surrounding her as best as he can, which is very well, and gives her a look. Clearly dissatisfied, he huffs and nudges her hand, guiding her into petting him.

He lets her stroke his snout, and trills when she softly scritches his horn-nubs. For once, Zuko is trying to calm things down before inevitably creating more chaos.

The very moment Iroh realizes that, Zuko jumps back into the well and proceeds to dig himself a deeper hole, as, the moment the young lady relaxes, he turns back into a human.

A naked human. In the south pole.

"THE BISON'S ON KYOSHI ISLAND BY NOW, SO SET FUCKING SAIL THERE and bring me a blanket this is really cold." he yells out.

-

Suki watches gleefully as Sokka, in all of his mildly annoying, adorable glory, waltzes into the dojo and challenges her to a fight.

She has trained her entire life for that: beating the shit out of people per request. 

Needless to say, she mops up the floor with his suspiciously untrained ass.

He is kind of cute, all sweaty like that. 

"Hey, diminutive male." she gives him her hand (not literally, it's still attached to her), and upon taking it, he gets up and yells:

"DO IT AGAIN!"

-

The sea is eerily quiet, and so is their waterbender.

She isn't trying to kill all approaching people, and, in the general's general book, silence is better than incoherent sobbing. 

Iroh and Zuko have lunch on the deck, alongside her. Partially because of the danger of leaving teenagers unsupervised, part because being alone when you're sad is bad.

Zuko is tucking into a pile of food. Dragon metabolisms and firebender metabolisms and teenager metabolisms really pile up, Iroh thinks. 

Katara looks more than slightly disgusted at the flesh-tearing, non-chewing swallowing.

"Why." she murmurs softly.

"Dragon." he does not know the word for metabolism, or even if they have that one in the water tribes, so he does the best he can. The word for dragon, much like the one for avatar, is the same in all languages.

"dragons eats... lot." he isn't sure if it passes through, but she clearly understands.

"Sokka's a dragon, then." she smiles. Iroh is glad to know that she feels better, even if not fully understood.

Either way, they were now sailing towards inevitable embarassment.

The wani and its crew had already been to Kyoshi Island before. Zuko was still thirteen, back then, and had all of the social skills of a thirteen year old who:

1 - had never been out of the palace before, therefore spoke like a murdered sozin-era child, and, near exclusively, spoke in theater lines.

And

2 - was raised by a lizard.

Despite Iroh's efforts, neither of those things had fully changed, but back then the crew was yet to realize the full scope of Zuko's socially awkward tendencies.

That is, until Iroh, on their innocuous trip to the local village, decided to buy some passion-pitanga tea, only to abruptly find himself in a flaming shop, on a flaming village, surrounded by screaming people and a screeching dragon.

Now, back then, the Wani's crew was yet to know of either Zuko's nurture or his nature.

That is because Iroh, ever himself, had just assumed they knew and therefore forgot to ever mention it. Up to that point, it had all been rumors, of how the prince had been blessed with the powers of Agni himself.

Needless to say, everyone was confused, except for Teruko, who, in her own words, "had known all along".

The local population hadn't had time to formally banish them, so he was pretty sure they could, legally, go there one last time.

-

Suki can tell that her newfound fiend/semi-friend is having a pretty good day.

He talks like a man who hasn't been properly understood in days. That is, technically, the case, so she's pretty sure he deserves it.

They're, at that moment, taking a break from all the sparring, because if he wants that supposedly extinct creature to remain close to him (she knows he actually doesn't), he has to bond with it.

Bonding means washing it.

"Suki, how many swords can this thing hold?" He is brushing its fur, while Suki sits in the shade and munches on an apple, calmly supervising/slacking off whatever she should be doing.

"Four, because it needs to stand up to stab things. Next question, dumbass."

"Rude. But hey, remember, it can fly."

"Oh, on Koh's lair, to properly stab things it needs to be standing up!"

"BUT TO HOLD SWORDS IT DOESNT NEED TO, IT CAN CLEARLY HOLD SIX SWORDS!"

She throws the apple at him.

"APPLES AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES, BUT I AM RIGHT!"

"How does an apple break your bones?"

-

This is fine, Iroh thinks, and readies himself for a possible fight, because he's pretty sure that, if not banished, they're at the very least banned from Kyoshian territory for an indeterminate amount of time.

Still, they're about to go in there, probably get tied up, and maybe, just maybe, if Iroh plays his tiles right, he will be able to get some exotic tea for his sore muscles, from carrying this entire tripulation in every social meeting they've had for the last three years.

This is fine, Iroh thinks, when his nephew brings out the little boat, for boating purposes. 

"General Uncle, this is not fine. Stop murmuring that it is, it's creeping Katana out." says Hanako, for once not screaming, instead opting to poke "Katana".

-

Suki is grabbing some scrolls for her cute dumb boy when the warning bongos sound.

She drops said linguistic tomes when Hama rushes in.

"ITS THAT FUCKING PONYTAIL IDIOT AGAIN!" She yells.

Suki's entire thought process suddenly devolves to an incoherent screech of "fuck", "shit" and "crap". 

She doesn't even have time to warn Sokka.

Wait. Could...

Could Ponytail Idiot be part of Sokka's crew?

Oh no, she isn't going down that road.

"DIDN'T WE BAN THOSE GUYS?" She screeches to Hama, running for her life.

"NOT FORMALLY-" 

"WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER, GO GRAB SOME WATER BUCKETS NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"

"We'll talk about it later" essentially means that she is going to scream that she has no words for everyone's stupidity for the next 20 minutes.

For now, they have to stop the legend of Ponytail Dragon from having a second act.

He's let himself be tied up, this time. His scar looks as awful as it probably had last time, under all the bandages, but somehow his ponytail looks even worse.

Suki is ready for chaos to unravel.

"May you untie me?" He looks polite, except he set fire to her house last time he'd visited. "I have come here to retrieve a crewman of mine."

"No, thanks, it's our turn at the Sokka. Go home."

He looks at her. She looks at him.

Ponytail Fuckass immediately burns through the ropes and breaks into a sprint.

-

Apparently, there's an emergency going on.

"Wait here, jerky." The enormous, wet bison only yawns. He will think of a better name later.

Sokka is a bit far off of wherever the alarm sounded from, but he's going towards there when he finds one of Suki's girls, scouting.

She has a bucket of water on each hand, and is struggling towards the village, just like him.

"What's wrong?" he asks, but, despite understanding him, she can't really reply in southern dialect. Sucks ass, if you ask him.

He takes one of the buckets, though, for he is a gentleman (even though Kyoshi's women are clearly his equals, either that or far too powerful for him to comprehend) and wants them to move faster towards wherever they're going.

There is no smoke, but soon there will be fire.

However, there is a running Zuko in full armor coming towards him. Neat.

Sokka doesn't have time to react, before his idiot... coworker? captain? No, not captain, he is going to go with coworker for now tackles him.

It isn't a hug tackle, it's something different, far pointier, filled with significantly less connotations.

The water bucket is spilled all over them, and Sokka suddenly finds himself being baby-carried by his coworker, who is rushing back wayy too fast for a guy who is wearing a full suit of armor.

Is it some kind of stage costume or is he able to run at the speed of sound when not wearing that? Sokka makes a mental note to conduct experiments on Zuko's nyom speed.

-

Iroh is still tied, but unconcernedly trying to distract the sweet people, maybe convince them into letting him buy some of their passion-pitanga tea, when his nephew rushes in, a water tribe teenager in his arms, screaming obscenities, and a kyoshi warrior behind the two of them, carrying a half-empty water bucket and shouting even more obscenities.

His nephew, much to the general consensus of confusion, instead of taking the boat, rushes through the beach and into the sea, passing by what they came with.

Teens these days.

"Wait!" yells their leader, suddenly, in the trading tongue.

"Yes, please wait for me, my dear nephew. And please, take the boat."

Zuko stops dead on his tracks, and gets hit in the face with a stray water tribe leg. He doesn't budge, simply carrying their crew member to the boat, seemingly only having noticed it now, despite taking it just ten minutes ago.

"Well, one: you should take some scrolls, we have some copies that can teach Sokka and his sister how to speak the trading dialect. And two, don't forget your bison."

-

It is midnight. Suki lies sleepless on her mat, moonlight filtering in through the open window.

The stars mock her, for she forgot, yet again, to ban Ponytail Fucker from her island.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's content rec is: autoheart
> 
> they slap
> 
> thats it


	6. Zhao's wonderful, amazing, beautiful, nothing-wrong-here morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hghhh uwu
> 
> fun fact this is another chapter ive deleted half of! i was on a writing spree and, as it always happens in writing sprees, i took a senseless detour. RIP 3k of shitty words.

"Yes?" Zuko tries to say, in the southern language.

It doesn't quite sound the part, but Sokka understands, whether because he was pointing at the corresponding word on the scroll or because his pronunciation was actually good, neither of them know.

"Yes." Sokka nods, and gives him a thumbs up, which they found, quite quickly, is some kind of unanimous sign of positive affirmation, or something like that. 

Soon, he knows Zuko will be able to shout orders at him too.

-

  
Said Zuko is training on the deck, being guided through the warmup exercises when, while doing a couple jumping kuzons, he realizes that, quite a bit afar, Sokka is attempting to immitate him.

He does them a bit faster, and that little man... He follows along.

Now, Zuko, despite his unconventional life circunstances, has a basic sense of humor. Said basic sense of humor entails doing the exercises thrice as fast, and watching as the guy across the deck struggles to catch up to him.

"Zuko, slow down, your form is sloppy like this-"

"No, Uncle, just... let me do this." he tries to subtly point at Sokka, who is sweating visibly from the other side of the admittedly small ship, while not stopping his exercises. Yes, he is quite warmed up, however, the situation is absurdly funny.

Uncle realizes his clear evil intent.

"I see..." Uncle scratches his beard. "Do fifty fire-squat-step-outs."

  
-

  
On one hand, Sokka wants to get as stupid beefy as Zuko, the lizard man. On the other, he is pretty sure the lizard man has the mischievous want to fuck with him.

Maybe Sokka thinks that because he's being stared at by his smiling coworker (?) (he is, technically, putting a lot of work towards keeping his sanity intact, although success is not guaranteed), and because his other coworkers-slash-companions-in-suffering-and-misery are snickering behind their hands.

He hears them, but does not say anything, because he cannot catch his breath, his legs burn, and how the fuck does this idiot do so many burpees at once?

Sokka cannot fully follow the proper forms from that far away, so he takes a quick break from the glorified torture he's partaking in in order to get closer to his tormentor, who is now doing what is commonly known as a pushup, but is also commonly interpreted by Sokka and all of Sokkakind as a degradation of his masculinity.

He gets through eight before dropping onto the deck. It's just because it's nice and cool and Sokka feels really hot and not because he's tired, okay?

Zuko stops, a look of mild concern taking over his face as he walks over to the Sweaty Spot.

Now, they are three days into their voyage, and thus, Zuko does not yet know many words in water tribe. 

"You yes?" he asks. Yes, the words for good and yes are similar, but you yes is one of the funniest, most stupidest things Sokka's ever heard. He is catching his breath, but he will laugh at it later.

"Yeah, sure." he gasps for air.

Much to his surprise, his coworker helps him onto his knees, and... Guides him onto position.

Is this idiot trying to force him into more physical exercise?

He puts himself in front of Sokka, with the same posture he set him onto.

Oh, he's showing another pushup form. Significantly easier, slightly humiliating, oh, nevermind, it's still pretty hard.

For a good portion of the morning, Sokka trains alongside Zuko, and feels like the guy might be trying to make things easier for him, which okay, is either really nice or just a twisted power move of some kind, he isn't sure, especially considering the mola mola incident.

It's fun, though, not to be the only one doing things, even if he's the only one failing at said things and falling to the floor mid-thing.

He collapses one last time, and thinks back to what Katara told him once: "Do you just not want to get up, sweaty?"

"Food?" Zuko asks, a crude pronounciation of the word. He'd started using the scrolls to translate trading words into the southern dialect, too. He doesn't know a lot, but Sokka appreciates his attempt, even if he does require a lot of help, since well, he cannot read words written in that dialect, so people just... Have to pronounce them for him, sometimes.

"Food." he agrees, panting. "Dude, I'm dying."

"Good." 

Sokka sputters, but follows him to what is either the kitchen or the place Zuko turns into a dragon and eats him, or even both.

He is pretty sure that, no matter how nice Dekku is, he is still salty about the time Sokka ate an entire salt shaker, and thus, prone to letting him be devoured by a glorified shrimp-gecko.

He is led down the confusing hallways of the ship, which are too hot for his still sweaty body and his dry throat.

Left, right, left, left, straight, then left again, then one last turn right.

The smells drafting from the kitchen is delicious. Congrats to Dekku, he supposes.

Hot oil sputters on the aftermentioned man's arms - how does he not even flinch? -, as he fishes out little flakey things from the frying pot with a slotted spoon.

Zuko breaks into a sprint, even though it isn't that far. He is clearly trying to look normal, but there are scales sprinting up the back of his arms now, which, Sokka is pretty sure, is either excitement or fear of the stuff.

Dekku holds up a hand, in what clearly means "Wait", before rolling the batch he just took out on a vaguely pink glaze. Sugar? Pink sugar? Pink sugar, for Sokka, who craves it so dearly?

Zuko isn't hard to read, and Sokka can see he clearly likes the stuff, as he is looming over it, clearly near-drooling on the stuff. If he actually drolls in that, he might infect everyone with the stupid.

Is Sokka's trust on the fact that Zuko will not shove his face onto frying lard misplaced? Quite possible. Is Sokka's trust that stupid isn't a virus also misplaced? Also possible.

Zuko calls Sokka after a minute, like he wouldn't just go there to eat his food, when he craves it so very dearly.

  
-

  
If the fire flakes are too spicy for Sokka, then all the more for him, Zuko thinks.

_(food for us us us food for friend yes)_

Ah yes, he'd missed that asshole part of him, always repeating itself, invariably an utter ass, insisting random people are its friends.

"Kid, stop looking at the stuff like you're about to shove your face into the frying oil, you can eat."

Zuko just then remembers why Dekku's frying fire flakes for him. Zhao.

Sleazy "dragon tamer" Zhao, the fucking asshole, who, needless to say, has probably been trying to drug Zuko up for the past three years or so.

He isn't great at guessing other people's intentions, but, when a guy who calls himself a dragon tamer approaches you, pins you to a wall and invites you over for tea? Yup, definitive intent of murder.

He knows that is Zhao's job, to serve his nation and recruit any dragon-child (pure-blooded dragons are too rare for the army - they are usually convinced to marry into nobility) that is civilized enough, but still, the guy is probably going to kill him someday.

Fire flakes are usually for after the meetings, but he likes them warm anyways.

"Sokka!" he calls. He cannot wait to show him the best treat the fire nation has to offer!

Truly, he cannot wait, he thinks, before reaching his hand, ever so carefully, and plucking a single fire flake out of the cooling rack, with great restraint.

The frosting has set enough to have the perfect snappy texture, and the flavors, despite not being quite the same as the ones back home, because they don't have the same spices, and aren't nearly as strong as he usually likes them, are still delicious.

Despite how weak they are, they remind him of the festivals.

( Mom hadn't let them leave the castle, but it was alright, even if she didn't speak anymore and rarely uncurled from her place and rarely turned back human to go indoors, like a statue.

Despite Azula just telling a servant to bring them festival food, and her asserting that they could just call Mai over and throw their own party, he would sneak out during the night, say he was going to his room to sleep, which was just a weak excuse to leave, silent as a feather, from the only route that didn't pass through mom's garden.

He remembers the festivals like the last time he'd gone to one had been yesterday, of how they were bright and pretty and full of shiny things he'd always forget to bring money to get. 

Of the food, fire flakes, shioyaki and glazed corn-carrots. Of the people, adorned colorfully, wearing theater masks and fake jewels that glistened in the lanterns a little too much.

Of how Azula would wait for him on his room, and "blackmail" him into doing inconvenient little tasks for her, or else she would rat him out.

Remembering Azula reminds him of their hunting games, of how he'd stand guard by the turtleduck pond, and tell her to find prey that wasn't his.

Of how mom would ignore them, and let her do as she pleases.)

Even that slightly unpleasant note is overshadowed by the comforting food.

He picks up the whole rack and attempts to hand it to Sokka.

_(try it try it try it)_

He doesn't take it, so Zuko kind of holds it there awkwardly as Dekku sighs and his crewman (who doesn't have an actual posting yet, should he even register him? Now Zuko's starting to think of the legal implications of hiring an enemy, and oh wait, it's also a teenager, shit-) picks a single fire flake and plops it onto his mouth.

His eyes brighten up, and, despite previously stating otherwise to himself, Zuko is glad he finds someone who understands the appeal of deep fried dough rolled around on sugar and spice and everything nice.

  
-

  
Sokka has the budding sense of dread that he still hasn't gotten accostumed to, despite it being a near-constant presence during his stay on the ship.

This time, he can see he isn't the only one feeling it, since Zuko looks, despite all of the delicious food they've gotten right at their disposal, incredibly tense.

On one hand, Sokka could just stay there and keep eating, on the other, he also could help Zuko chill out for a bit. 

How, though?

He remembers how he'd briefly seen the guy before he was taken away by the bison (Apparel for Transportation, as he decided to call it from now on). He was... Playing with Aang. On his dragon form.

Well, that was probably dangerous, but he did look pretty cute. Maybe if he gets Aang, the guy will chill out?

That's good. There's only one problem: He doesn't know where Katara, who was on babysitting duty that morning, is.

Shit. Despite his Man Sense (instincts) telling him to just stay there and shove as much candy down his throat as he can possibly manage, he gets up from his spot on the dirty tile floor.

"Aang." he doesn't know enough of the trading dialect to tell Zuko they're going to get Aang yet, but he will try.

Zuko doesn't understand him, but he grabs the guy and drags him nonetheless, who shrugs his grip off to grab the near-empty cooling rack. He didn't even get a bowl. What the fuck.

Will he really give that spicy stuff to a baby? Does he want to give a child food trauma? Does he want Sokka to starve?

The only thing he recognizes from Zuko's sentence is "go", but he doesn't need to be told again, since that was his idea in the first place.

  
-

  
Zuko soon realizes Sokka has no idea where they're going either. They're probably out for Katara, since she had Aang earlier that morning.

So, he goes to the deck, for Uncle knows all things in the world, and thus, Uncle probably knows where they sent that horrible, evil little water-witch that morning.

"Uncle!" he asks, except instead of asking he's yelling. "Where's the savage?"

"Don't refer to your friends like that, Zuko." He chides.

"They're not my friends!" he explains/exclaims (excplains?), before questioning again "Where is she?"

"Laundry room, I think. Why do you seek her, though?"

"Oh. I don't know why, but Sokka wants to see the baby."

Iroh sips at his tea inquisitively. Yes, he has different ways to sip his tea. It's all about the speed, don't let the look on his face trick you.

"Well, she did get babysitting duty this morning, and Kazuto did get both teenage-sitting duty and laundry duty today, so I think she's in the laundry room."

-

Oh, what a beautiful day it is, for people who can orientate themselves on that absurdist masterpiece of hallways that was Zuko's rickety old ship.

Had Sokka already mentioned how much he hated that place? No? Because he despises it. He never has any idea where he's going, and he always winds up lost, either on a whole new part or back where he started.

It's like that time in the cave. He and dad were on a "Hunting trip" together, because that was what Sokka wanted for his birthday, and he ended up following a rabbit-fox into a cave. 

The light stopped a couple of hare-pelts in, and it didn't matter where he shone his torch, or what rocks he touched, because nothing ever stopped feeling alien.

There was always a place for him to shove himself into, each time sharper and deeper and he didn't even realize he was lost until he was crawling on his hands and knees and suddenly his torch went out, and he realized how deep he'd gotten.

For some reason, the alien hallways of the ship feel the same to him, snaking and blending together, no matter how much he'd tried.

So yeah, when he remembered that particular incident - the whole day until the other tribesmen managed to track him down and get him out, and how he didn't even get that rabbit-fox out of it - he might've followed Zuko a bit closer, and he might've had to remind himself that he was a dragon, not a simple prey animal hiding in a cave.

Oh, good, he was not feeling scared, but he's glad they've reached the stuffy, yet less cramped and creepy space of the laundry room.

Katara and one of the men - what is it with the fire nation and using their men on women's work? while yes, women are scary in the military, and oh, nevermind, he should probably start to unlearn that dumb shit- are on a tub, washing clothes, while the baby toddles around, crawling on all fours and playing with a little wooden toy. 

He makes little sounds as he "drives" a box with four wheels around. Sokka silently goes d'aw, because the little smile and the fucking chubby cheeks are incredibly squishable.

Zuko loudly goes d'aw, and, for a brief second, the tension leaves his shoulders, as he drops to the floor with Aang, before he sees Katara and goes stiff all over again.

Understandable, Katara's glares burn more than any firebender.

"Hello, Zuko here." he greets her, waving briefly, somehow managing to look stuck up from back view, all ramrod straight, not even breathing. Sokka wonders if he's blinking, and then his thoughts drift to how freaked out fire nation noblemen must be when dealing with Zuko, who is half-deformed and half-unblinking, and then another half scaly.

"Hey, Zuko Here." she greets, stiffly, in the trading dialect, before switching to southern to tell Sokka how much she loves him. "Hello, shit socks. Crapped yourself again, you little muktuk?"

(Annotation: Muktuk is a term for a piece of whale-mola fat, either breaded and deep fried or pickled, and is also, on Katara's book of slang she made up because no other teenagers live around them, a term reserved for the overly specific description of "a man who tries to look like an authority figure, but is actually just an idiot, and also wears a wolf-tail, and is also brother to a waterbender", which totally does not apply to Sokka.

In another world, or maybe even in another time in that very place, it would've meant the same thing as what you may call a "twink".)

Sokka squats down to her eye level, then yelps in pain briefly, because ouch, that hurts, and instead decides to stare her down.

"Was Zuko too rough on you?" she asks, and he doesn't realize what she actually means until he responds.

"YES. Tomorrow, it's your turn."

He only realizes what he said and what she meant when she bursts out laughing, much to Zuko's clear confusion, realizing they said his name and probably assuming they're talking about him, which well, isn't quite wrong.

Katara has started crying, and the fire nation man (Kabuto? Kizuto?) looks far too scared to make any move beyond huddling in a corner.

He carefully plucks a single piece from the bottom of the filthy clothing pile to throw at her.

Her tears stop obeying gravity.

  
-

  
"Aang, can you hold these for me?" he hands the baby, who has all of the motor coordination, grasp on morals and reflexes of a baby, an entire metal rack, and looks at the commotion.

Kazuto is on the corner, hyperventilating. On one hand, he's supposed to be teenagesitting the teenager who is babysitting a baby who is babysitting this entire commotion, so, since he isn't doing his job, he should get latrine duty. On the other, he is panicking, so he'll just have to let him be for now.

The baby does not respond, but Zuko will also accept looking over his food, not just holding it, so it's alright.

"STOP, THE TWO OF YOU!" He yells, authority in his voice, but he already knows that, when two siblings engage in a duel, they cannot be stopped by vocal means. 

"Begone, shut up!" he starts chanting, as he picks up a blanket from the laundry pile and throws it upon the two of them.

Sadly, unlike with him, who used to be datained by a blanket at that age (yes he is ignoring that they're nearly his age, because fuck you, he is an old, old man in a young skin suit and that's why he feels so tired all the time, no he isn't sleep deprived, shut your ugly pussy mouth up), they just continue trying to strangle each other while covered.

"If you so much as throw a single drop of water at each other, I am going to throw the two of you out of the window!" he yells, ignoring that:

1 - they do not have windows in the ship

2 - sokka and katara literally cannot understand him. yes he knows that, however, he is making the executive decision to ignore the facts and eat ass, metaphorically speaking.

Yet, maybe despite, maybe because of his total denial of factual facts, they continue to argue amongst themselves.

Oh, they're not going to ignore him. He is the manager. He is the idiot teenager in a position of power, and he is not going to be ignored.

Therefore, Zuko joins in on the yelling, and continues to do so, keeping the two from actually destroying the room with a mixture of bonking each other with boomerangs and waterbending/boarding.

Then, as all attempts fail and the two siblings proceed to beat the shit out of eachother, their fight long having gone from friendly to actual fight, he thinks:

_What would Uncle do?_

Okay, Uncle would try to reason with them, maybe say a proverb or two. He can't do that, language barrier.

_What would Father do?_

Nope, not going down that road.

_What would Azula do?_

Oh shit, that's _really_ bloody.

_What would mom do?_

Yes, that is something he can do, he thinks, taking Aang by the hand, grabing the entire cooling rack the baby had been fruitlessly bonking on the floor, and lets them duke it out.

As he walks into the hallway, realizes, from the noises, that there's another ship around. Either that, or the sibling bonkery has ascended to another level.

Insert here proper naval description, Zuko doesn't have time for them, and neither do you, the reader.

_Oh shit. Oh fuck. The whore has come._

His suspicious are confirmed by his uncle, calmly striding towards him with a look that tells him that yup, whore incoming.

"Admiral Zhao has arrived. He requests to meet you." he drops the false formality a bit too late, and says "You might want to drop the baby off somewhere."

But, as previously stated, it is too late. Zuko is running, a rack of candy on one hand and an actual child under the other arm, face covered in water and crumbs.

  
-

  
Something pulls by, right as Sokka falls on the washing tub. He'd needed a bath, just not in crusty fire nation bath water.

"Wonder what that is." Katara says, casually, as if she hadn't been trying to commit fraticide a minute ago.

"Yeah. Wanna check it out?"

  
"Get out of there, I still need to do the laundry." Well, that's a no if he's ever hear it.

  
"Do the laundry over my dead body."

-

"Hello, pleasantries, bye." he tells himself, maybe a bit too loud, as he sees the fucker himself, with his horrendous sideburns.

  
Aang babbles softly.

  
"Thanks, diminutive man." he tries not to scratch at the scales flaring up under the armor.

  
"Hello, Prince Zuko." sleazy bitch whore says, pronouncing his title like you would pronounce a slur. "What do you have there?"

  
"Fire flakes, admiral." he reaches the hand in question forward, awkwardly offering his snacks, with the clear distaste of someone who doesn't actually want to offer their fire flakes.

  
"Your other hand, boy." the man sneers, looming over Zuko. What a nerd.

  
He has a brilliant idea.

  
"Are you okay, Admiral Zhao?"

  
The baby seemingly catches onto what he is trying to do, and goes suspiciously silent. Either that, or he is creeped out by Zhao. Who knows?

  
"That. Is a toddler."

"The only toddler here is you, admiral, yet we do not mention that, for we are _polite human beings_." Zuko snaps.

  
There are several things Zhao could've said in that moment, _"But you aren't, are you_ " Amongst them

  
However, he is a human being, and thus, chained to concepts such as politeness.

  
"You are... Attempting to pretend... You are not... Holding a child?" he ennunciates like an old woman angry on a scroll-book. 

  
"What child?" he asks, as Aang babbles slightly from his spot glued to Zuko's hip.

  
Picture this: Zuko, looking nonchallant as a small child threathens to cry, because a grown man is pointing at it, looking like he's about to foam at the mouth. That is what Zuko's uncle saw, when he calmly walked onto the scene on the deck.

  
"Would you like to come in for some tea?" he, very politely, gives Zuko a breach to get away from the absolute unit of invading personal spaces.

  
"I will not intermingle with a crew that harbors colony bastards."

  
"Well, I am a bastard, considering all of my war crimes, but, as you are well aware, I was born in fire nation soil." Uncle says, casually.

  
"Not you!" Zhao suddenly screams "I am talking about the baby!"

  
"Zuko was also born in Caldera, Admiral."

  
Zhao's breathing sounds panicked. He is clearly realizing that he has hallucinated this child, which is totally the truth.

  
Maybe if he convinces himself of it, he won't burst out laughing. 

  
"What. Do. You. Mean?"

  
"Would you like fire flakes?" Zuko tries again, for lack of anything better to say.

  
"I AM NOT EATING FROM A BASTARD'S BASTARD FATHER'S BASTARD FOOD." Zhao starts screaming.

  
"Admiral, I fear for your health. Are you okay? Do you require medical assistance?" Uncle puts on the face of a concerned person, who totally isn't shitting you. The crew - they've kind of gathered outside the immediate circle of chaos - is doing their best not to die.

  
They're doing a great job.

  
Zhao sputters, briefly sparks, and is brought to a boil.

  
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, THERE IS A CHILD IN THERE!"

  
"I am indeed sixteen, not quite an adult." Zuko manages to choke out. He isn't as anxious anymore, at least, because really, that's about as good as life can get.

  
The baby, confident in Zuko's hold, is clapping now, because the Funny Man has started throwing sparks.

  
Zhao, who is eferverescent in anger's light, screams one last time, and charges at Zuko.

  
"IF IT IS INDEED REAL, THEN IT BETTER DIE!" Oh, oof.

  
He aims a fire punch. Right at Zuko's face. Oh, you little crapped boy. Indeed, little crapped boy.

  
For once, he and the dragon, that bastard, unite, in their need to fuck with Zhao as much as possible.

  
The fire punch doesn't hit. Zhao's flame, for some reason, doesn't even manifest.

  
Yet, something manifests.

  
Zuko, licking the man's fisted hand.

  
"What" and he enunciates "The fuck."

  
With the momentum of confusion, he gets his legs kicked from under him, falling onto his butt.

  
Zuko cannot punch, for he has two of the world's best things to protect: A supposedly not real baby, and deep fried finger food. However, his feet are free, perfect for kicking and tap-dancing.

  
He, of course, only engages in one of those activities, and not nearly as much as he would've liked. Which one of them, is up to interpretation.

  
-

  
Sokka doesn't quite know what happens. There is a lot of gathering-around, and Kazito (?) leaves them after a bit, pulled off by the Short And Scary crew-woman.

  
Then, there is screaming. A lot of it, so much that he can hear it from there. Fire Nation ships, surprisingly NOT soundproof. Then, after what clearly sounds like a fight, there is a moment of silence, probably for whoever died enduring that bullshit, and then...

  
Laughter. So much laughter. Crying. It's either the baby or someone who cries like a baby, possibly both.

  
Katara finally looks up.

  
"I'm... Concerned. Intrigued. Mostly just scared."

  
"Same thing here." He gets up, still shaking like a wet dog, despite having all his wet dog-ness pulled out by Katara, who has long since learned how to do that. Baths in the south pole were difficult, even when they warmed up the water infinite times.

  
"Wanna come, female?"

  
Here is a fun fact for you: he always calls people female, intentionally. It's his charm.

  
  
-

The crew is still enraptured in their laughter. It's probably going to last several more minutes, a collective crisis.

  
Zuko is nearly crying. He is, to put it simply, losing it.

  
Hanako claps his back, and does a sound that sounds like smashing all the keys in a typewriter. He retributes.

  
The thing chants, _(yes yes yes),_ for once not angry but delighted.

  
And then, Aang stops clapping, his laughter ceasing all of a sudden.

  
Zuko looks down, and drops the rack (the one with the fire flakes, from before) on the floor, in his surprise.

  
For, in Aang's tiny little hand, lies cupped a flame.


	7. Zuko Trespasses Into a Religious Place to Dance (ft. Katara In Pajamas)

Oh, what a beautiful day it is!

They've just had lunch, which means that Aang is completely ready to start learning firebeding! Yes, he is a two year old, but that makes it even better! Really, what toddler doesn't want to learn the art of socially acceptable arson?

Azula started at like, three, but _c'mon_ , it's just the baby katas. There's a reason they're called _baby_ katas.

"Aang, do ten jumping kuzons as a warm-up!" 

Zuko does a few firebending forms at the toddler, hoping he will repeat after him.

Aang starts crawling away. Zuko is indignant, he shouldn't have left him with Hanako yesterday. She's setting a bad example.

He helps Aang up, bringing him back into the designated training area.

"Repeat after me." he walks over the basic-est katas, the ones that mostly just work to heat up plates, and things like that, really. After a bit, most firebenders don't even need to use those anymore by the point they're ten, but they're a good starting point, that's why they're on the curriculum.

No, he doesn't have a copy of it. Yes, he remembers it from how much he was mocked for it, mostly.

The baby does nothing. Time to do what his instructors always did: Uncontrolled Screaming!

"IF YOU DO NOT REPEAT THESE FUCKING THINGS I WILL SET YOUR MOTHER'S SOCK DRAWER ON FIRE!" That is a very scary threat, shut up. He is also ignoring that that baby most likely does not have a mother. They're optional, he thinks.

"Nephew, what are you doing?" Uncle questions, which is understandable, as he had just come onto the deck to see his nephew performing the Squirrel-Rabbit set of exercises at a small child, all while screaming and shouting.

  
\- 

  
  
Okay, turns out, Uncle didn't know firebenders were supposed to start training the moment they showed a spark, which well, is really weird, considering Uncle is a firebender himself. Apparently, that just never came up in a conversation.

Also turns out, that isn't okay, legally or ethically speaking, but Uncle said it's fine, and looked just a little bit like he could commit a crime. Zuko still feels kind of bad for making him worried.

Still, there is something he can do! Part as compensation, part as tradition.

He can bring Aang to be named at a temple! 

Yes, Zuko is going to defend this small child's honor and rights to receiving the proper rites, even if he isn't a newborn. Because he can, altought not legally.

He can't enter any Fire Nation territory, not even colonies - too low for even that, he knows - but Uncle can do it for him.

Right?

"Zuko, the nearest fire temple isn't in a colony. It's on Crescent Island" he explains, when Zuko talks about their self-inflicted predicament.

Technically, everything to do with human society is optional, at least for him. Mom taught him well, but he needs to be more human than dragon, for the ( _hatchling_ ) baby is just a person, and thus, probably has a physical attachment to the law, or something like that.

"That isn't an answer, Uncle. You're not banished, so you can get Aang to a temple for me, right?"

A part of him is upset at the fact that he won't be able to be there as the great spirit shines his blessing upon that child he has taken under his wing, but he is honorable, and also will get hunted for sport if he so much as steps a single claw into the fire nation, even though his safety isn't really that important.

Very upsetting, indeed.

"We'll see about it, Zuko." Uncle smiles, and anyone but Zuko would remember that there's a problem: that they don't introduce firebenders to Agni unless they're born in fire nation soil. 

The children of the colonies are not truly part of their nation, they say. Their blood runs the color of mud, altough that makes no sense. Probably a metaphor, now that he thinks about it.

"Wait... Uncle, where was Aang born again?"

To most people, lying would be sensate. Zuko, however, doesn't lie. Not very well. No, not at all. He is okay with minor infractions of the law, but draws the line at lying.

Zuko nonetheless sets sail to the nearest fire temple, because, for surely the sages won't check their records if he just says that child was born on fire nation soil, right?

Wait. How did he get the baby if he was born on fire nation land?

Oh, nevermind. He will just do the rites himself. That surely won't be inconvenient, or illegal, or involve espionage, right?

He is rather doubtful, but it's the honorable thing to do, ri-

He stops questioning everything he does, for now. He has entered the zone of no thought.

It's the baby's turn on the brain, now. He will surely make great use of it, with all his playing on the tiny little wooden toys. They're really detailed, and pretty, and look a lot like the actual things that they're based on, now that he thinks about it. They also break very easily. Either that, or Aang has more destructive energy than previously assumed.

No, he does not know why Uncle has a bunch of toys, but Uncle is a mysterious entity, and probably wouldn't mind it if Zuko just hid the remainder of all those things.

-

Katara is here for annihilation. Yet, she is committed to doing it slowly. If you raise the temperature of the stock pot slowly, you can boil anything alive while it bathes.

The Cook clearly does not fear her might enough, for he has set her to boil water.

Who lets a waterbender near water? Were they competently evil enough, they would've trapped her somewhere dark and dry! They are clearly, so very clearly, idiotic! Why must she, a fourteen year old, be the only compelling evil force in this world?

Obviously to her, the cook just thinks she's enraptured by hot water.

She then realizes the tray of bread, already shaped and on the second of its rises. And she has a wonderful, beautiful, amazing idea.

Katara smiles to herself, and, as quietly as possible, once the chef is away chopping vegetables, she picks it up.

And throws its contents into the water, much like a cat-goose would do for a prized possession of its favorite human.

-

Zuko and Aang walk into the kitchen. Well, Zuko walks into it, Aang's riding on his shoulders, babbling merrily.

Dekku is crying and shouting. The pasta water is full of bread chunks. Katara just looks like a mildly polite, yet ultimately malicious (mildly malicious, ultimately polite, who knows?), cat-goose.

"Prince, for fuck's sake, unhire this monster!"

Zuko walks to the pot, and fetches a piece of half-raw dough from the water, more curious than anything.

Plopping a piece onto his mouth, he hums appreciably. Yes, that is quite good, he thinks. Chewy, medium-rare except vegetarian (is milk meat?), lightly sweet. 

He smiles.

"I like it!" he really does! it's tasty! "We should promote Katara to sub-chef."

  
-

  
Katara can somewhat guess that her plan has backfired. Still, there is a chance that eating raw break can cause food poisoning. Gran-Gran told her it depended on the ingredients, but she didn't see what the cook put in those, so it's all a matter of luck.

For now, she at least can take care of the baby. Sadly, that does mean not flinching at the fact that this whole child was named after a boomerang, possibly the least cool weapon ever conceived.

Had his name been sword? Or Bee Hive? Or even stalagmite? She could have gotten behind that.

Zuko hands her the child, who resists to his best.

She doesn't know why, cannot she see how despicable this bastard is? Maybe Katara is exaggerating, maybe she isn't. It isn't like Zuko is _royalty_ or anything.

He's probably just a normal teenager.

Said normal teenager picks up another ball of boiled bread and thanks her in the trader language, which she, as royalty of the southern water tribe (which doesn't really work like normal royalty, because she probably isn't going to be picked for chief, but hey, neither is Sokka) does not dignify him with a response.

He just walks out, chewing for far too long and appreciating her efforts to ruin everyone's day far too much.

Little shit.

-

Zuko, despite having the person-reading and politic-bending skills of a slug-mosquito, can deduce that the crew, with the exception of Dekku, is still ecstatic with the fact that they've obtained success with fucking around with Zhao.

However, he isn't, but he has a reason for it.

"You see, my nephew, I need to stop by a port town nearby, for I have lost my lotus tile."

"Another one, Uncle?" he asks, incredulous. "Have you been eating them or something?"

Uncle sips his tea at a suspicious pace.

-

  
Katara cares for the baby until they stop by a port town. That means sitting through lunch with it, suffering awake through the time she, in a better world, would've used for a pleasant nap, amongst other things.

By then, she is so, so very tired of dealing with diminutive men and their diminutive business.

The tantrum counter is going up, and soon will be a fourteen-wolves tall pile of snow-bullshit.

"I will destroy whoever birthed you into the world." she says, calmly as she carefully swaps the child's diapers on the cutting board, much to the cook's overall distaste and clear disgust.

The moment she is done, he throws it into the firewood crate, which means that yet again her efforts to poison that crew of idiots have been thwarted.

Zuko manifests into the kitchen, like the not-quite-evil-yet-nonetheless-unpleasant entity he is.

He coos at either the baby or her. She attempts to trip him when he comes closer, and, for once in her life, has the delight of succeeding, as Zuko violently slams into the counter.

Eat shitted marble and die, you idiot. You jester. You fool. You utter _buffoon_. You tooth-spitting idiot.

-

  
Zuko just so happened to have a scroll on his closet that detailed some of the rituals to Agni. He keeps very little clothes, but he does have a nice, comfortably-sized hoard of scrolls and books, mostly avatar-searching related.

No, he does not know why he has theater scripts. Because he doesn't. None. Zero.

He just has to find a statue in the volcano temple - usually an Icon of Agni -, get the baby in there, say a couple of words, maybe perform a little dance if he feels fancy. The instructions were surprisingly unclear, so he supposes the sages usually wing it. 

He decided he didn't want to burden Uncle, so now he's doing it himself. Because hey, he doesn't need to explain the mysterious origins of the baby if he just sneakily did the ritual himself.

No way this will go wrong, he thinks, as he gets disguises for him and Aang at a secondhand store in the town.

Uncle was really happy Zuko wished to join him on the shopping expedition, despite him hurrying the man and being the worst possible teenager.

The store they're at sells toys, too. He has a bit of spare silver, he could probably use it to get Aang a cute little plush! Of course, doing it grumpily, so Uncle doesn't get any ideas. They're on a budget.

_Oh_ , he thinks. _Oh, Agni_.

Oh Agni indeed.

"Uncle, look at this!" he exclaims, and points to the cutest thing in the world: A pair of hats! A pair of matching baby-and-adult hats!

It might be a little small on Aang (his head is big because his brain is full of love! and water, probably.), but still, it's the cutest thing. It's in a mix of yellow and orange that has been out of fashion since that one time with the genocide.

The toddler doesn't seem to agree, however, that does not keep Zuko from acquiring the pieces, because that's absolutely adorable, and a definitive necessity. He leaves them at the registry, with the old lady and Uncle.

There's another room in the store, so he brings the kid there, much to his delight, as he finds a little wooden doll in the room. It looks cursed.

The problem is that Zuko just spent all his spare money on the hats. 

"Come on, Aang." he tells the toddler "We can get you the doll when we come back, alright?"

That's a trick that always convinced him when he was young. Sure it will work on Aang, right?

It doesn't.

Aang smacks the toy he's holding onto the floor.

He'd thought all humans were just... supposed to be polite, with the exception of Katara and Hanako, because really, the two of them are rats.

"No, don't do that-"

His plea goes unanswered, as Aang proceeds to set the toy on fire, and then start crying, because it's on fire.

_"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT IT TO DO?!"_

Zuko is used to setting things on fire, not un-setting them on fire.

"UNCLE, HOW DO YOU UN-LIGHT THINGS FROM FIRE?!" He shouts, but Uncle is flirting with the cashier. All Uncle does is drink tea, eat hot potato and lie.

Oh, yea, he remembers he could just... Focus on the fire, take it, put it out.

However, Aang clearly does not agree with his plan, as, the moment Zuko puts his mind to it, the child throws the flaming piece of carbonating wood into a pile of other flammable things.

Ah yes, he'd heard of that technique, setting things on fire. Should he regret his attempt at teaching that child how to firebend on purpose?

He can't seize control of Aang's flame; It's spreading too quickly, and the baby doesn't seem able to control it either, so it isn't like he can take control of it, because it isn't being controlled in the first place, and he's never been a good firebender to begin with.

Anyways, Zuko, for a hot, hot second, wishes he were a waterbender. Wouldn't it be convenient, if Katara saved them from that situation?

-

Katara has a plan to either convince or intimidate the cook into letting her onto port. She has never _truly_ been out of the pole before, she suddenly realized, when fantasizing to flee from The Aang. It's really simple.

And thus, when she threatens to boil more of the man's things, he gently ushers her out of the kitchen. 

Like any other unsupervised teenager, she runs into town, ready for mild criminal activity, being rated most likely to harass other people in her village.

Katara passes straight by a flaming store. She doesn't even realize it, she just saw a really cute bridge and that is more important than a mild display of idiocy. There's even an old lady in there!

  
-

  
Zuko hates burning things, has he ever told you that?

Maybe that comes from having his face set on fire that one time. That might be a possibility.

_Fair, fair_. He was an _awful_ child, but that isn't about his tragic backstory, is it?

It's about the _flaming fucking store_ he's in.

Okay, the flame is uncontrolled. Running away is not an option, but he needs to get Uncle and the baby out before it spreads into the other room, where Uncle is. If the lady doesn't want to stay she will leave, he isn't carrying her out.

Oh, maybe he could just... Call Uncle again. The man hadn't heard him before, but maybe his screaming had just not been loud enough? Maybe he should just get a bit closer?

"UNCLE, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" He screams into said relative's ear "AANG JUST SET THE ROOM ON FIRE!"

"Zuko, did you leave the baby in the flaming room?"

Yes, that was a minor oversight on his part, indeed, he will think later, when he also might think he should be able to live it down, due to the crew's teasing. Right in that moment, he isn't thinking, he is running, because _he just left a baby in a flaming room_.

Despite all that points otherwise... The room is pristine.

Of course, excusing the ashy spots. 

Did that baby - that toddler, at most, like... two? one and a half? - just un-set fire to a room.

"Well, uh. We can pay for repairs?" Uncle says, sweating softly.

  
-

  
At least, they got the cute hats. That hadn't been set on fire, thankfully.

Yes, they are a bit too... frilly, for the job of invading a sacred temple, one might think, but Zuko reasons that impressing Agni is important, too. 

Plus, they have straps, so no risk of falling to the floor. The great Sun will be proud, of such a prodigy firebender, who managed to seize control of a fire gone wild on his own, at like, a toddling age.

Yes, Zuko is going to ignore how weird that is. Not even Azula could do that, but Zuko is just ignoring the possibility of that baby outaprodigiying Azula, the local prodigy, who isn't really local, but a couple nations away.

He decides to focus on the word outaprodigiying, instead of being jealous of a baby, wondering if said baby is a master manipulator on the rise, or any other weird thoughts a dude can have while he's strapping a child to his chest, wearing a hat that is 40% feathers and probably weights as much as his whole skull.

They're decently close to Crescent Island - the earth kingdom port they were at, despite being reasonably friendly, wasn't a colony anymore, but was pretty close to the Temple.

Anyways, Zuko is taking a boat and breaking into the place, because fuck it, stealthy boy time.

Uncle kind of wants to get away, but Zuko thinks that it's important to get Aang, if not legally registered as a person who exists, at least given the proper ceremony.

-

  
Katara awakens from a nightmare. For comfort, despite the clear stupidity of the dream, she goes for a walk. 

For all Sokka screams about how difficult it is to locate yourself on that ship, it is actually pretty easy, at least for her. There is some method to the madness, just not a lot.

First stop, the pair of shears under her pillow. She has to protect herself with something other than her precarious waterbending, and she didn't manage to sneak out any knives. All she found was that rusty thing.

Second stop, the hallway that leads to the deck, from the little side closet they sleep on. 

She doesn't know why the fire benders are that stupid (well, that particular group of them, she's pretty sure that you can't take over the world without any functioning brains), to the point of letting her and Sokka have their own room.

She walks, sensing the water around her. It's almost comforting, she thinks, being surrounded by her element. Oh, and her kitchen shears. Those can probably take out a man.

The moonlight filters upon her, nice and cool. It's better than the heat of the days, to which she is probably never going to get used to.

Suddenly, she sees something. 

It's the figure she recognizes as Zuko. Mostly because of the baby, and the stupid hat he'd brought back earlier today.

Is he trying to run away? Has he sensed his impending doom?

Katara knows one thing: that she doesn't want to go back to sleep, and that inconveniencing one ashmaker at a time is a good idea.

So, with the coping mechanism of homicide in her mind, she lets him take the boat, lets him surrender to the water.

-

Zuko wears a great costume. His favorite theater mask, his pajamas, a cute, slightly girly now that he thinks about it hat, and a baby harness. His reasoning was that the night is cold, and he has to wear his 'jamas.

  
If anyone finds him, he just has to deny his identity and maybe run away on the boat. He's got to break into a fire temple anyways.

No, it isn't a ritualistic sacrifice, or anything like that. It's just two guys being dudes. Well, a guy and a baby being dudes.

Anyways, he hits the ocean when he hears someone shouting.

It isn't in fire speech, the first sign that something is about to go terribly wrong. 

Oh shit, it's Katara.

She is looking down on him from the Wani's hull, wearing some old, raggy clothes, and probably intending to interrogate him.

He isn't rowing the boat back up, fuck you.

"NOT ZUKO, FUCK OFF!" He screams at her.

And remembers she's a waterbender. Who can bend water.

And who is literally using a wave to lift him up. Well, trying to, it's only succeeding in nearly drowning him twice a minute. Now that he thinks about it, there's a serious chance of that being the intention.

Oh fuck. Oh shit. 

"OKAY, KATARA!" He lifts his mask up, and immediately regrets when a wave nearly throws him off the boat, taking away his mask, as the string was already pretty lax, not as tight as it should be. "IT'S ZUKO, STOP THAT!" 

He doesn't know what goes on in Katara's horrible little mind. She herself probably doesn't know what goes on in her own little mind.

Anyways, Katara jumps down into the water, and swims up to the boat, like the meat-eating mermaid demon she is. She also swims like a little puppy. Not very well, for someone who grew up surrounded by the fucking sea.

Wait, now that he thinks about it, she lived in the South Pole. It's cold down there.

_(dumb dumb)_

Well, he can't just drown her, she's a waterbender, and also currently, on his boat.

Where did she get kitchen shears? Why does she have kitchen shears? Is she about to murder him?

"Fucker." he whispers, and immediately starts doing that boating thing where he makes the boat go forward. No, he doesn't know the proper words for it. Yes he has been in the navy for three years. Yes he is real, sadly. Fuck is one of those words, unanimously the same for more than a single language.

"Whore bastard slut bitch shit fuck crap." Katara spits out emotionlessly, which yes, is somehow possible, and then makes the boat accelerate rapidly.

  
Does she even know where they're going?

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" He yells, and tackles her, because that's the wrong direction.

She looks unimpressed.

"THAT DIRECTION!" He screams, and hopes she can understand his pointing, if not his words.

She gets up, gives him a nice, long look, and proceeds to keep going in the opposite direction. It isn't even where the island is, or where he told her to go, or where she was going before. 

Is she leading him to the middle of the fucking ocean?

"I know place." she says, choppily, while driving them to the middle of the ocean.

Zuko starts screaming. It isn't a call for help or anything, it's a display of his rage.

"FUCK YOU!" She suddenly yells. "FINE." 

Oh, she's going to the nearest Island, cool. Not Crescent Island, but maybe he can lead her to a dead end somewhere and go get his baby baptized.

Oh, speaking about the baby, he has woken up, and is now screaming.

He looks at Katara. Katara looks at him. Despite all of their differences, the two have the same feeling: _hgh_.

They stop, at the middle of the ocean, both knowing the odds of the other one killing either them or the child.

Then, Katara tries to take the baby from the chest harness, not understanding how that works, and ripping it in the process, because that child harness used to be Zuko's fucking shirt and it isn't that strong.

Huddling the baby close, she looks into it's eyes, and begins to sing.

  
-

  
_"Oh dear ocean, Oh dear moon,_   
_Please shut up, I'll eat a woman."_

Katara is just repeating that. It isn't like either Zuko or that small, stupid child can understand her anyways.

_"Worm rabbit_   
_Fuck your parents"_

  
It doesn't rhyme in any way known to man, even in southern dialect, but she still thinks that it's poetic. There is a high chance of her using it as a wake-up call for Sokka.

She doesn't realize that Zuko has started rowing them until it's too late. Not too late for anything specific, mind you, it just sounds cooler like that.

She can't kill him with a baby, can she? She doesn't want to harm Aang by using him as a stabbing supply. Sadly, she doesn't think he can work like a boomerang either.

Katara realizes, far too late, where that fucker, whom she only aims to take down, is leading them. How does he do that so fast? 

Picture this: two teenagers, with their little dried-out brains, doing their best to fight for control of a boat, failing miserably as neither of them remember that they have the ability to bend elements, and one of them is carrying a baby, who is now crying again.

  
-

  
He is seriously pondering if he should just try to dunk Katara on the sea. No, she does not need the extra seasoning, no he isn't going to eat her. 

_(too salty no eat)_

Not for one second does he think that hey, maybe he should just drop her off at another island, or put her back on the ship. He is on a schedule, the ritual is meant to be done at sunrise.

So, he paddles faster, and ignores Katara's attempts at attacking him. She is holding Aang now, and he knows she will not drop the child. She was singing to him earlier, see?

-

  
Katara takes far longer than she'd like to admit to realize that Zuko is actually being sneaky.

When that realization hits her, she starts stepping even louder, making him nearly fall from his spot on the ceiling. Yes, he is crawling on the ceiling, yes she's scouting for him, signing him to stop whenever she sees a guard.

Why that place is guarded, she doesn't know. 

It must have some kind of religious importance, she thinks. It's decorated with gold, and it's really frilly. Either that, or Zuko is taking a trip to some poor noble guy's private volcano beach house.

She isn't stupid, but she is holding her hand up - she doesn't want her ashmaker to get caught, because that means she, too, will get captured.

She should've brought a mask, because while she has never broken into anyone's property before, it feels naked to do it in sleeping clothes.

Zuko looks at her from his spot on the ceiling. How does his hat hang on, but his stupid mask not? 

Thank spirits he gave up on holding Aang for the moment, at least. One more reason for sneaking around, other than the literal armed people going around, is the fact that Aang fell asleep after his last fit, and they don't want the baby waking up.

Zuko mutters a question. It's a single-word, and sounds like "cheese?" to her, but she thinks that that code-word means "are we free?"

"Cheese." she says. It is clearly not the same thing, but she likes pretending to be stupid. He will not know what hits him. Probably because he doesn't even realize the difference.

Ducking through corridors, hiding in shady places, stepping silently, and other spy stuff, aren't natural to Katara, but she will learn, for her own sake.

They narrowly avoid a guy in weird, formal robes, more than once. He's lighting incense on nearly every room, she realizes. 

Yup, religious place. Stinks of religion and waste of cinnamon sticks.

She has to lower herself to the floor, and hide behind a pillar, when he steps out of this weird door. Uh, wonder what is behind that. Sure nothing important.

There is surely no reason its golden lock looks like that. Good thing that's not the room they're going into, she thinks, as Zuko uses her to scout for any people in what she is now sure is a temple.

Eventually, they find a room, in a dead-end, where an altar is dwarfed by the serpentine dragon statue behind it.

Yes, it ought to be rather big, but compared to the dragon? Not so much. 

The thing is beautiful, but so very different from Zuko's dragon form, somehow. It looks less clunky, awkward and inflexible. It looks right, she realizes. It clicks in her that that's what a dragon should look like.

Something is very wrong with him, she realizes. Either that, or that is a glorified version of the weird little beast. 

She would like to think that her adversary/ally is weaker than average, sick, she thinks. However, she does not feel any satisfaction in that possibility.

When she next realizes, Zuko has come down from his spot on the reverse floor, and is clearly asking her to give him the baby.

Their hats match, she realizes, which is pretty cute.

He bows, but she doesn't. Despite that thing clearly having some sort of religious importance, she doesn't really care enough to respect it.

Dragons are all shitheads, and that one must be no exception, she thinks, as Zuko silently makes his way to the altar, laying Aang in there.

And then, he lifts up something, and Katara thinks:

_Why does Zuko have a knife?_

  
-

Zuko doesn't know how it happened. Well, he does, he just doesn't want to admit he done fucked up, really.

He just knows that, while he placed the baby in the altar, Katara clearly made some sort of assumption on the arrangement.

Zuko in the pedestal, ceremonial dagger in his hand. 

Aang, on a pillow, looking... Like a baby. Sleeping, at least, but still, baby.

Maybe she thought the gold was overwhelming? No, the whole temple was golden. It was a sexy color, yes, despite the supposed celibacy of the sages.

Anyways, Katara is screaming, and he even checks behind him. Agni's statue - a massive golden dragon, finely carved in the image of His Serpent, a dragon majestic like no other, yes, really detailed, pretty fucking enrapturing, were not for the agonizing screeching - hasn't moved or anything.

"SHUT UP!" He screams at the screaming girl.

Aang wakes up, and starts screaming, joining the chorus of the well-oiled machine of chaos and disharmony.

And, altought that should be expected, everything goes wrong, as, while yes, they were very sneaky, there are still a bunch of sages in there, and religious people - a category which includes said sages - are attracted to demonic noises.

So, she would like to empathize with that poor, poor old man who barges in, absolute batshit in his confusion, watching Zuko wrtestle a woman for a dagger, because she doesn't understand that it is perfectly natural to use one of those just to say the prayers.

Nothing can calm a conflict better than a priest, Zuko supposes, when Katara stops screaming, probably to give him a turn to shout for the guards.

Zuko, however, is a kind enough man not to fuck himself over, so he throws the knife at the man. It isn't one of those that are specific for throwing, so it just thwunks at his face.

Sadly, it does not knock him over, and he starts screaming.

  
-

  
Katara, being the only smart person in the room, grabs the baby and hauls herself out of the window.

She, of course, does not know that the drop from there is pretty much like falling onto the floor.

Thank Tui and La and the handsome dragon statue, Zuko jumps after her, probably transforming mid-air or something, she thinks, when she feels something bite her on the ankle.

She looks back, and _human_ Zuko stares back at her, her foot on his mouth.

"SHAPESHIFT, YOU FUCKING FUCKER!" her screams are muffled by the wind, but he either has the same idea or, as a trick of fate, understands her.

She partially regrets it, because suddenly there's a flying dragon with her foot on its maw. It isn't a toothy kind of grip, she thinks, not feeling any pain, but the fear is still there.

That is how they fly back to the boat, Katara with the baby held strongly in her grip, and Zuko, who is holding her foot just as strongly. Adrenaline highs are good, though, until you are being dragged in the air by an over sized gecko.

-

  
Katara is cussing him out, despite him not even having drawn any blood. Zuko is too high on the adrenaline to do anything, so, if she decides to, she can probably drop kick him into the ocean and leave him there.

And, as he struggles to regain his breath control, he remembers that his face was seen by that sage. 

Oh, _shit_.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here is a cool fact about hybrid animals: They aren't always really truly healthy. Like, ligers are weirdos, and apparently hybrid lovebirds can't really communicate very well with other birds? Don't quote me on that, though.


	8. Everyone has a Pretty Bad Morning - Part One: The Semi-Angsty Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK SO - this is a little bit more story-driven, and thus, I don't know if it's quite funny enough to sate you, but hey, next chapter has the water tribe siblings and zuko on it for more than just a couple sentences
> 
> look i know my angst is bad, but this is, first and foremost, my prime way to LEARN how to write, I have so many story ideas and this is but my way to train for more serious projects
> 
> yes, it is also a priority to keep you, my dear readers and avid listeners to my bullshit, entertained, however, this is also my own little selfish thing

Dekku dreamed of beautiful things, of his husband and his mom, of reading poetry and eating orange-apples under the a tree, of-

  
Of waking up at fuck o'clock, because he's a fucking light ass sleeper, and this is no dream, it's his real life nightmare. He curses the fact that he, genetically speaking, sucks, and then attempts to go back to his dreams.

  
And things such as that always tend to be easier attempted than actually done, so of course, as the yelling up on the deck grows louder and a literal fight breaks out, he realizes to whom those voices belong to.

  
Oh, how Dekku wishes that were just sleep paralysis, because then he'd have an excuse not to move. However, his ideal sleep paralysis demons are real, and also two screaming teenagers screaming gibberish at each other.

  
And, sleep foregone, he no longer has a reason to resist his impulses, Dekku gets out of his bed, hating the stupid cold everywhere but in the fire nation, and heads up there, because his life is a nightmare and, while not quite a joke, it is a whole punchline.

There is a part of him that wants nothing more than to go back there and, instead of doing the responsible thing, watch the two of them throw down. 

  
However, while the situation he's in brings out the worst in any man, he likes to think of himself as a good role model for the rest of the crew, and thus, he makes his way through the hallways he's been in for three years (that almost feel like home, he realizes).

  
The pathways twist and turn, and he forgot his lantern, so it sort of sucks.

  
He might or might not have minor emotional attachments to the two children, whom, at the moment, are bathed by moonlight, and, while much to his surprise not actually fighting, are screaming at each other in their pajamas, Katara sitting down on the floor, cussing in the drawl of the southern language, while Zuko stands, gesturing frantically with the hand that isn't holding Aang.

  
The baby is the only reason they haven't thrown hands yet, he realizes.

  
Yes, they are screaming at each other, and the baby is screaming at them, probably telling them to stop in baby language, but it's better than some mock-up Agni Kai.

  
"Prince, I beg you, go back to sleep."

  
_"I SAVED HER LIFE, AND THIS IS HOW I GET THANKED! YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP, FOR I AM IN MY OWN NIGHTMARE-"_ He explains in a short burst of yelling. Yes, that is his brand of explanation. Yes, it is absolutely terrible. Yes, Dekku understands it, albeit reluctantly. 

  
"I am begging you, please go scream somewhere else. You will cause a mutiny. Please, Prince, I'm begging you." he pleads, for he is already in that state of grief over his lost long nap.

  
Katara, who had been on the floor all along points her bare foot at him, and, in one of the few trading words they both know, says:

"Beg."

  
Creepy and disgusting, why is she pointing that _foot_ at him? _oh wait-_

  
"Are those fucking _tooth marks_?" The worst part isn't even the tooth marks, it's that they look like a mix of human and dragon ones, which implies that either both Zuko and someone else bit her, or he bit her twice in the same foot.

  
And finally, he and the little water monster, who boiled his milk bread and has been trying to ruin his life ever since she joined the crew (and clearly thinks he hasn't realized all her clear sabotage), look into each other's sight balls, and have one thing in common, although one of them is not really going to act on it:

  
The need to yell at a foot-munching lizard.

-

Iroh's nephew is acting in an extremely suspicious manner.

  
Now, here is the thing about Zuko's brand of suspicious actions: It is worryingly normal.

  
He isn't yelling or shouting or hissing or growling, he is just... Oddly quiet. Incredibly quiet. His footsteps are silent, and his face, usually easy to read, is blank as the pages of an uninspired writer's book.

  
And he's also atop the main cabin's roof, thinking that whatever trouble he got himself into won't follow him there. 

Hadn't the cockatoo-eel-wolf incident taught him anything?

  
"Zuko, would you like to come down and drink some calming tea?" Iroh invites, from where he set up the pai-sho board and a tea kettle, right bellow that odd child of his' hiding spot. Scared children - especially Zuko - deal better with suggestions than orders.

  
"No!" Zuko shouts, from the cabin's roof.

  
Iroh is an old, old man, and thus, not very athletic. Nonetheless, he makes an attempt at climbing atop there. A hand reaches for support, and he makes half-hearted tries at pulling himself up.

  
He fails, of course, but that was his plan all along: If he gets stuck on something, falls or does anything in any way, shape or form, disastrous, Zuko always stops whatever sulking/self destructive thing he is doing at the moment.

  
"Uncle Iroh, no!" he exclaims, before grumbling "You're smarter than this."

  
"You're wrong on that regard." he says, fully climbing down, trying to get his nephew to come along with him "Would you fancy a friendly match of pai-sho?"

  
He doesn't seem to be listening, just kind of... nodding along. It's a good way to test how much attention he is paying, which, on this case, is none at all.

  
"Uncle... Can we go to the kitchens?" Oh, Zuko is on the mood for another Adventure, as they're still in the port, and thus, free of the supervision of Dekku, who went out on a life-changing spa trip with the rest of the crew, muttering something about how he "needed some rest".

  
Good for them, but Iroh shall remain there for supervision, due to the "tea pool" incident, which yes, might or might not be the reason for at least a third of the crew's hesitance to leave Zuko unsupervised.

  
(Not so good for them, Iroh was actually the one behind that one. It had seemed like a good birthday treat for himself.)

  
"You're a free man, my nephew." altought that might be, to many people, the saddest of truths, it also might be the reassurance he needs, also to the regret of the after-mentioned people.

  
Only time will tell.

-

Dekku was having a pleasant day. Perhaps that was a warning omen, like a metaphorical (perhaps literal, he can't see much from the spa window) storm upon the horizon.

They had to leave soon, sure, but hey, he'd finally gotten some good skin care. Those facial pickles have leeched away all of his bad vibes (he'd heard a couple of kids use that term earlier today, and he felt like it was perfect for the occasion, since they'd made the exact same use out of it).

  
Upon being told that, Teruko and Hanako both look just... Confused. Clearly, the pickles have leeched away their brains. Perhaps those had been connected to the bad vibes?

  
At least they're not teasing him about it at the moment, like they tend to do whenever someone (read: he) says a thing their little minds don't grasp.

  
The crew morale hadn't been that high since, what? Well, three days ago. Shouldn't have gone down that road, it's more like _his_ morale hadn't been very high for a long while.

  
Anyways, when he's making his way back to the ship, some new spices and cured meat, he thinks that _Wow, this is a pretty good day. Maybe this won't be a disaster_ , and then, of course, something goes wrong as all fuck.

  
Said something is the wanted poster for Zuko.

Zuko, their stupid, honorable little gremlin, who yes, sometimes attempts to consume human body parts, and has a penchant for generally causing high levels of inconvenience, and who is now wanted for...

  
Trespassing into the Crescent Island's temple. Had he been trying to summon a spirit _again_?

  
"Dude." the three crew members say in unison upon reading that, before breaking into utter madness. Now, had Dekku been a more man, he would've still encountered hindrances to any particular plan he could've had, such as: Makeup is hard to get a hold of, Zuko is well known at this point, having gained minor celebrity/banishment from three separate port cities, and that people can't really change their faces beyond burning or chopping pieces of it off.

Will they look suspicious if they grab the poster and run? 

  
Well, he won't think about it, because that's what they're doing at the moment.

  
And thus, they rip out the wanted posters, and make a bolt for their lives, because nobody is ratting the rat king himself (well, rat prince, technically speaking, even if banished) out.

  
"Okay, so, Prince did a crime-" Teruko gasps, as they run up to their ship, docked suspiciously. 

  
"I'm pretty sure it's a misunderstanding, but we should like... Go into hiding. You all know what happened to Teruko after _someone_ had the idea to trespass into private property, right?" Hanako jabs, between gasps.

  
The deck is empty, devoid of anything other than normal deck things.

  
Nothing in there is sentient, not even Kazuto, who doesn't even have any time to react as the trio of frantic pieces in the shitty game of "what if" that is life, runs up the plank, screaming and holding up a bunch of posters.

"yOu uTTer FucKeR, wHy Is TheRE a WanTED pOstER oF yOU?!" Hanako shouts, scanning around the ship, over and over again, her voice fluctuating widely. Dekku's pretty sure they should be silent about it, but okay.

  
There is a suspicious smell drafting from the kitchen, but, since the pickles have leeched out her brain, she doesn't heed it.

  
Where is her Zuko Sense? There hasn't even been time for them to lose it!

  
And thus, upon the first sign of them going in another way, he bodily drags his two coworkers into the eye of the storm, also known as his very own kitchen barely more than an hour after he left.

-

Iroh is so very proud! Zuko did not set fire into the kitchen this time!

  
Now, none of the people present - them being Zuko, Zuko's friends and Zuko's uncle (it's him!) - know much of how to cook, but they read on the cookbook are no mistakes in life, only happy accidents. 

  
(They only read the basic introduction, and decided they didn't need the recipes listed in there because it said that)

  
This, however, is not a happy accident, for his nephew deliberately did that, no matter how softly Iroh muttered that perhaps, "the tiger-tiger* should not chose to hunt sabertooth moose-lions".

  
And now, as Sokka cheers his friend on, and Katara chops an absurd amount of ingredients (which he knows do not go together, because, while not very good at cooking, he is very good at eating), he realizes that they're planning to make that a meal for the crew.

  
That will surely be interesting, thinks Iroh, who is already planning how to pretend he has been gluten intolerant all along.

  
At least the children are having fun, he supposes.

  
Zuko is violently slamming what cannot really be called pasta dough on the table. He isn't kneading it or anything, just smacking the poor thing violently. Katara has started chopping up the chopping board. Sokka and the baby are on time-out because he tried to boil a piece of (already done) steak in their cooking wine, and then, upon being caught with the bottle, tried to chug it before anyone could grab the thing.   


At each passing day, they learn a little bit more of each other's languages, and thus, at each passing day, their lack of communication becomes more of a choice than a requirement, he realizes in a moment of epiphany.

  
There isn't much of a buildup for what happens next, really, as Dekku bursts in, dragging Hanako by the arm while she screams, and being passively followed by a shell-shocked Teruko, who is holding up...

  
A wanted poster of Iroh's nephew.

-

"Zuko, what do we have here?" Dekku begs, overtaken by that particular kind of despair men are subjected to when their boss, who is a sixteen year old, commits a crime and then tries to act normal about it and stay where he did the deed.

  
He is holding up the wanted poster with his boss' face on it, and pinching his nose in despair. The prince pretends not to hear him, despite having started to sweat fervently.

  
"Please, prince." has become a catchphrase now.

  
"CHICKEN NOODLES! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG HERE! THAT ISN'T ME!"

"I'm not talking about THAT!" he wishes he were talking about that, because whatever that is - and he both wishes and despises the fact that he _might_ know what it is - 

  
"No, like, I was making noodles, but I ran out of flour, so I put chicken in instead."

  
Dekku drops his wanted poster. The knowledge truly is nothing but a poison to the mind, and suddenly, he longs for the sweet bliss of ignorance, of innocence, of-

  
Katara has put wood into the noodle broth.

  
He will, from now on, chose ignorance, and ignore the fact that this little piece of the Dark Place was, once upon a time, his kitchen.

  
"Kid, I'm your employee, and I demand an explanation." he holds the poster even higher, ignoring the fact that Zuko can set himself on fire with no consequences.

  
"LOOK- I JUST DIDN'T THINK THE SAGE SAW ENOUGH OF MY FACE TO MAKE A REPORT!" He yells, indignantly.

  
"What did you do, exactly, that involved breaking into a temple?" he thinks he knows, but isn't sure enough of it to actually make a move.

  
"I wanted to get Aang a naming ceremony!"

  
"You're banished, and he isn't a legitimate fire nation child!"

  
"That's why I went alone! I had a tutorial on how to hold ceremonies for Agni!" he knows the tutorial comes from a play, but okay. "I adapted it for the occasion!"

  
_Fine, fine, alright_ , thinks the suddenly extremely tired man, before going back to his usual mental gymnastics.

  
"And you just... Didn't even think to grab a mask?"

  
"KATARA KNOCKED MINE OUT OF THE BOAT WHEN SHE TRIED TO DROWN ME!" he justifies, flushing violently.

  
"You brought her with you?" that boy is someone to whom Dekku holds minor emotions towards, and thus, he is concerned when his life is threatened by teenage girls.

  
"WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?"

  
"Maybe... Not do that?"

  
_"bUt ThAtS diSHoNoRabLE!_ " he does a Hanako, making Dekku fear for both his ears and his sanity, because one Hanako is enough. 

  
"FINE, FINE, ALRIGHT!" Yells the original Hanako, stopping the back-and-forth of stupidity itself. "WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NOW? I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DID THIS, I JUST KNOW THAT YOU DID IT AND NOW THERE'S A FUCKING WANTED POSTER OF YOU!"

  
The boy stops, and the man thinks about how said boy becoming a wanted criminal was only a question of time.

  
"We could send a letter to Father?" the boy suggests.

  
"You violated the terms of your own banishment, Prince Zuko." the General finally intercepts, sounding... Conflicted.

  
And suddenly, Dekku feels sad for him, because well, he's just a kid. He knows how that feels, sort of.

-

They don't hold up a meeting. The bunch of them doesn't want to make the rest of the crew accomplices on what is technically hiding a criminal.

  
Some of them would give in too easy, were they pressured, so the small group holds nothing but a somber little goodbye.

  
Iroh knows his nephew is distraught by it.

  
As much as he doesn't quite grasp what it means to be like Zuko - whether strange by his nature or by his nurture, it isn't something Iroh can decipher - he knows enough about the concept of a hoard to tell why.

  
_("Having a hoard is more than just protecting or providing." he told Iroh one time "It is that, but it's also belonging. I-I" and he stopped, and stutered a bit, before saying to himself, as if he had just realized it_

  
_"You're hoard too.")_

  
And so, as Dekku grabs non-perishable foods and his stack of money, and as Genji leaves to ready the bison, he has a realization:

  
For all that he might regret later, Iroh is not leaving with his nephew.

  
Yes, he is a child, and this is cruel, to leave him and his friends alone against the world. But he has to cover for them, to keep up the lie.

  
_(he knows what the pressure feels like, what an interrogation always ends up as when the answers aren't good enough)_

  
And thus, he packs Zuko's things along with him, in their cabins.

  
"Take this with you, my nephew." Iroh hands him his favorite tea pot, still scalding and fuming with hot water from the tea Iroh was making before it all went down. It's steam is a warning: Do not touch, it will burn you.

  
"Uncle" Zuko looks up from where he had been neatly folding up clothes for him and the other children (he's just happy that child of his won't be all alone, all against the world, even if he's yet to convince them) "It's your favorite one. Keep it."

  
"Take it as a reminder." he settles it onto his nephew's hands, neither of them looking directly at each other. "A gift, if you will."

  
"We can only bring the necessary." he hands it back.

  
"Isn't it a need, to have some calming tea in times like these?" It's his argument, for as much as a man needs his rest, a man also needs a good cup of tea, and maybe a reminder of what is home.

  
He wants to fight, Iroh can see.

  
However, he just nods and huffs:

"Fine."

  
"Treat strangers kindly, Zuko. Maybe offer them some tea, in name of your old man." he wants to hug him.

  
"I will try, Uncle."

  
And, when he goes up to the deck, to convince his friends (isn't it bittersweet? How his nephew might soon have friends? Real companions?) to accompany him on their self imposed quest, he tells Iroh:

  
"I'll miss you, Uncle."

  
And then, another son goes away, while Iroh has nothing left to say.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chicken pasta part comes from the fact that i saw a keto recipe for pasta made out of chicken and i got so fucking pissed at it i straight up modeled this whole chapter after it
> 
> also a tiger-tiger is a tiger-shark + a normal tiger and its also canon now, because fuck you
> 
> heres the recipe for the chicken pasta btw, bc despite how much i despise it, its probably not that bad actually: https://headbangerskitchen.com/recipe/keto-noodles/?fbclid=IwAR1dmE-qqmZ3SUriGDq7cmoIf6InZDfmPDqM_xGv7UsSwgD8HX1j2dqqxM8


	9. Everyone has a Pretty Bad Morning - Part Two: The Tragedy Of Furniture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I went with Chiaki using gender-neutral pronouns for two reasons:
> 
> \- I wanted to write and I couldn't pick a gender that didn't make me feel like Chiaki was Girl Reigen or Medieval Reigen, and then I got too lazy to go back and change
> 
> \- I get to project. Please. (btw: i don't care about pronouns! ppl usually refer to me on the feminine, but gender isn't really something i, to put it simply, give a fuck about!)
> 
> AND, SPOILER ALERT
> 
> \- I get to have a headcanon, and it is that plenty of air nomad subgroups (no way they were all monks or nuns, but please do not quote me on that i'm just a white high schooler with just enough free time to write but not be able to do in-depth research on many things!) didn't really adhere to gender norms in a strict-strict manner.
> 
> If this bothers you, it's okay to stop reading! Or just skip this chapter, whatever!

  
A part of Katara wonders whether this is a victory or a defeat. She just... doesn't know.

  
Because Zuko - Zuko, with all his twisted, wrong expressions, with the way everything on his face looked slightly uncanny - looked... sad.

  
And the old man (Iroh, she knows. That’s Iroh. Iroh the tea guy. Iroh who clearly cared, maybe a little too much) was clearly about as unwell as it gets.

  
Genuinely, truly, desolate.

  
And only then, as she sees him carry a couple of bags and some rope, she understands what they have to do:

  
They have to go.

  
It’s time for them to leave.

  
It should be a celebration, but a part of her just… Knows those are people. People who are wrong, of course. Terrible people, serving a terrible nation. But, she reasons, they are people, in the end.

  
However, as she takes the rope from Zuko’s hands, for once understanding of the situation, much to the general chagrin of everyone involved in what is supposed to be a tender goodbye, Sokka, to put it simply, doesn't get it.

  
Because this is real life, and, as unreal as real life seems, she cannot escape from it. She lives in her own replica of Koh's lair. Some nights, she wonders how much of her suffering is self-inflicted, and then, how much of it is Sokka-inflicted.

  
Her very own Lair is her brother, asking Zuko what is going on.

  
"Hey!" he yells in trader language, dropping the brief "idiot" equivalent in the southern dialect, because his stupidity is already powerful enough without him being able to insult people "What’s happening?"

  
Zuko, clutching a tea pot like his life depends on it, shrugs his shoulders numbly and says the word that she thinks means“leaving”, but will not remember ten minutes from that moment. And then, with his head, he points to the crew women from earlier, who are hailing the bison onto the deck, gently and with no small amount of reluctance.

  
And then, she realizes, one of the men is… Carrying mattresses. Okay, weird.

  
Sokka doesn't even make an attempt to look. Instead, he shrugs his shoulders at Zuko, except... Somehow, violently? How can one shrug their shoulders violently? That’s like… a genuine skill, for once.

  
Zuko merely lifts his head, tilting it to the side in confusion.

  
“What” he asks “Are you doing?”

  
Her brother throws his head back and starts shaking it violently.

  
She does not know where he inherited his stupidity from. Perhaps some sort of spirit curse?

  
What did he do to get cursed, though? Because that had been inflicting him through all of his life, and she had no idea what a newborn could’ve done to earn such a punishment. She has no idea, she's just glad that she didn't get much from whatever side of the family it came from.

  
His vicious shaking of his head probably makes him dizzy, but even spinning slightly does not stop him from, once the other boy takes a step back, dashing forward, basically diminishing any distance Zuko attempts to put between the two of them.

  
His small, stilted gestures of confusion - a tilt of his head, the flexing of his knees like he's about to run away, the small puff of smoke that escapes his lips, either a product of the early morning temperature or another weird thing of his - all create the same kind of response coming from her brother:

  
Exaggerated dance moves. And Katara repeats that to herself, as Zuko starts screaming at Sokka. Dance. Moves.

  
And then, as she realizes there is no options left but to die in the hill of her embarrassment, Katara has an epiphany:

  
She has rope. The bison is on the deck. The bison has thick, sturdy legs. Katara has thin, frail patience. And, most important of all - important enough to be repeated, mind you - Katara has rope.

  
Or she could just watch Zuko suffer in his perpetually confused screaming. That's funny too, even though she is starting to feel a bit mean, as he looks angrier by the second.

  
And then, as she approaches, he either doesn't notice her or is too irritated to care. 

  
Because, as Sokka dances - puffing air, huffing and stumbling around awkwardly -, Zuko starts dancing back.

  
And then, despite her urge to wrap the rope around her own neck, she tackles Sokka to the floor, as he is simply the one closest to her.

  
"I am so sorry it had to come to this, brother." she says, as she, in her humble opinion, gracefully, ties his hands behind his back.

  
However, he twists his head to look at her, and, as she gets up, so does he.

  
She knows he is about to dance again. She'd never thought it would come to that, indeed.

  
She is mentally old, and mentally tired tired, and, while maybe not the strongest, physically speaking, she can still drag her brother's scrawny, stupid ass to the bison.

  
Katara ties him to the great beast's leg. It likes him, so it isn't like it's going to kill him or anything. She’s pretty sure it’s actually docile, and she prefers it not being talkative.

  
When she turns back, Zuko looks at him, and then he looks at her.

  
She is the abyss, and, as he has gazed towards her, she has gazed back.

  
-

Slightly afar from the place we just were at, dear reader, is a humble country person called Chiaki.

  
Their day is perfectly normal.

  
They are weaving wool, like their parents did, and like those parents' parents' also did, before the fire nation went after them and the particular species of animal they'd raised for wool.

  
Their day is perfectly normal, perhaps even a bit boring, and that, dear reader, is a true tragedy.

  
This is, in no way, shape or form, relevant.

-

  
"You're a hypocrite, Katara!" says Sokka, when she unties him from the bison's leg, because the thing was clearly stressed from too much contact with him. "Are you happy now?"

"Yes." she seriously ponders tying Sokka to the bison again, even if it would take a lot of effort to find a way to also shut his stupid little mouth. "Despite the fact that you are still being a little baby."

  
Zuko, who had briefly left, now returns with the actual baby. She is at the eight stage of grief over that child's name, and people are yet to realize that.

  
But now, they have another problem. More specifically, and most importantly, a problem that Katara can fix.

  
They have to go.

  
"I still don't know what we are supposed to be doing." Sokka complains, rubbing his wrist.

  
Are you _stumpid_? Is that what you are?

  
"Sokka. We have to leave. Didn't you see the wanted poster?"

  
"I just thought Zuko was auditioning for a play! I was _happy_ for him!"

  
Her brother is very smart. He can make plans for anything, he can figure out any puzzle or code. And somehow, despite that, he can manage to be so very stupid. So, so very idiotic. The definition of an idiot. He deserves a badge. Maybe a whole _war trophy._

  
She rubs her temples. Yes, she knows that there is a real, serious possibility of Sokka already being senile at fifteen years old, however, that would imply a possibility of her suffering from dementia too, and, although to some that might be comforting, having hallucinated all of the past couple of weeks.

  
“Sokka, Zuko and I are wanted people. If you want to stay, that’s fine.” it isn’t, because she isn’t sure she trusts herself not to stab him to death with a spoon.

  
Zuko clearly notices they're talking about him, as he is clearly eavesdropping, even as he ties a mattress to the bison and-

They do not have a saddle.

  
And she repeats, they do not have a saddle.

  
And she panics, as she realizes their mission: To ride the bison with their luggage, while their only possibility of safety is the mattress haphazardly tied to its bag by an eavesdropping teenager.

  
But she is a wanted woman. Her time there is over, and if this is the sacrifice she has to do, then that will be it.

  
With her newfound resolve, she gets mild assistance to hop upon the creature’s back, with no small amount of suffering.

  
Oh, how she wishes not to fall to her death because they don't have a proper saddle, only a mattress strapped to the creature.

  
That's it. That's all their protection against the world. 

  
They didn't even have the grace, the mercy, to give her a goddamn pair of earmuffs, so she could not hear her own screaming as the bison takes to the sky.

  
Katara wishes so very dearly that mouths weren’t a thing. However, is a mouth needed to scream?

  
Is screaming an emotional state?

  
It might as well be, at this point.

  
Thankfully, they soon reach an altitude where it isn’t that dangerous to move around on the saddlemattress.

Nonetheless, she thinks she deserves to complain about the subpar experience.

"The moment we land, I will murder all of you." she says, matter-of-fact-ly, as they cling onto the sleeping mat for dear life.

  
Zuko's hands have acquired the typical claw-y-ness of an anxious animal, and are now digging into their not-so-willingly chosen method of transport.

  
They will, for the moment, stay in their side of the saddle-mattress. But when they land?

  
She's coming for them.

  
For now, however, she takes the chance to comfort someone (herself), as she sits behind Zuko, and tells him:

  
“ _Hair. Mask_.” because she doesn’t have any words for “disguise.”

  
He only understands when she grabs his hair, and unties the Cursed Ponytail.

  
Her comfort oftentimes means other people’s inconvenience. 

-

Chiaki is but a humble, humble, normal person.

  
Chiaki woke up that morning, and thought "Wow, I sure hope this day will be good!" and had their portion of congee for the morning, along with a couple of plum-berries from the bushes in their yard, for they deserved a treat.

  
And, right as they decided to ignore the fervent feeling that something was about to go wrong, in favor of getting some stuff ready for their sister's baby, which they were going to visit, they hear screaming.

  
The sky's screaming.

  
Wait, no-

  
It's... The monster.

  
No, the bison - the flying bison, a thing Chiaki had only heard in their parent’s stories, something massive, legendary, six legs and at least twelve tons, a tail wide that batted everywhere as it landed - was strapped...

  
A pair of sleeping mats.

  
Oh, and three children.

  
The children justified the saddle, of course, as no smart/adult person would do that to themselves. 

They were tied, one of them was crying and-

  
Was that a baby? A baby, babbling happily from its spot, strapped to one of the boy's torsos, as if there was nothing wrong.

  
He looked the least panicked, altough there were claw marks from where his hands had sunk into the improvised saddle.

  
Wait. Claws?

  
Okay. They could get behind the bison. They could sort of get behind the baby. They could get behind the fact that the teenager had a head fully bald except for a pair of pigtails.

However, they couldn't get past the fact that a teenager managed to dig his hands into one of those things.

Those looked tough.

  
And now, the other boy, a lanky, dark-skinned lad with a refreshingly passable haircut, was throwing himself onto the floor, kissing it.

  
Okay, an earthbender, then. 

  
The girl was shell-shocked, but managed to tumble down once a fly landed on her open mouth.

  
The boy from earlier - the pale one, with the ugly scar and the uglier hairstyle - was still re-discovering the time capsule that was his hands, buried deep on the stuffing.

  
Chiaki was snapped out of their stupor when the giant bison (an herbivore, yes, but also one known to be extremely violent) started eating their bushes.

  
" _HEY, HEY, HEY-_ " They batted their hands, but avoided approaching too much. 

  
Can the bison suffocate them? It can airbend, right? Then could it technically do the funny trick that is choking the shit out of them with its mind?

  
Should they run? Should they let it eat their food?

  
_Nah_.

  
"GET YOUR COW OFF MY FRUIT, YOU DIRTY SCOUNDRELS!" Dirty scoundrels indeed, one of them was lying down, facing the sun, while her... friend? brother? They don't care or know, sorry, made out with the earth "STOP FUCKING MY SOIL, THAT ISN'T THE KIND OF SEED I NEED!"

  
And then, the teenagers stare at them.

  
And they stare at the teenagers.

  
There is not an ounce of understanding in their shocked eyes.

  
Oh fuck. Oh spiritual fuck.

  
Now, Chiaki's grandparents knew the trading idiom very well. _Almost_ as if that were their first language.

  
But here's the thing: Their parents, not so much, for, as children tend to, they gave up on learning.

  
Chiaki had never gone to school, so they didn’t really have the Forbidden Knowies of the trading language. Yes, they went to the fair quite often. No, there were no people from other regions in the specific fairs they sold their produce to.

  
To put it in fewer words, Chiaki knew jackshit.

  
"Hell-o?" the pale one asks.

  
They don't have time for this. 

  
_"OFF MY FUCKING PROPERTY!"_

  
-

Katara is watching a person scream their lungs off at them.

  
Now, she, yet again, is the socially smart one (although that isn't a high standard, considering the sample size of people). She knows the person wants them off.

  
Off and away. Probably from their garden.

  
Katara, unlike her brother and her Zuko and probably Aang, has basic empathy.

  
"I think they want us to leave."

  
"Really?" asks Sokka, who has stopped doing whatever that was all over the earth. "How did you guess?"

  
"How did you guess?" she knows he's stupid. she has seen proof that he's stupid. She knows he didn't guess it on his own.

  
Zuko neither. He looks…

  
He's looking like he's about to start screaming back. The whole Zuko is sitting on a ticking bomb.

  
And, as Katara is not just a waterbender but a peoplebender, she sees him walk off the mattle (mattress saddle), and do exactly what she predicted:

  
Start arguing with her.

She realizes he's speaking a broken earth-dialect, or maybe something more formal, but…

  
Whoever that person is stops.

  
They don't understand him. Because of course.

  
Now, logically speaking, she knows that there are different languages all over the earth kingdom.

  
And, considering their _brilliant_ track record with speech, of course they just _had_ to not speak the right _fucking dialect_.

-

He's speaking the central, boogie, nobleman earth dialect. It's the high ring stuff. The _pretentious_ stuff. The stuff that Chiaki can barely understand. 

  
He just isn't speaking it very well, either in his anger or due to lack of practice, and well. They don't understand it. Because it’s being spoken in the shittiest possible way.

  
"I am thyie oldested small-son princeth of princessethe Ursa and--" most important of all, it is, to Chiaki, humble country person who wasn’t raised by people who believed in earthly attachments (Dear reader, this is a note to you saying that gender is included in the earthly attachments bundle!), it’s uninteligible.

  
Oh, the prince must be a mistake. He doesn't look royal. He looks like someone (maybe his sister, the dark-skinned girl?) played a prank on him, and now he's stuck with the banished-royalty haircut, except he doesn't know it's the banished royalty haircut so now he's taken to pretending he's a royal.

  
It's a relatable situation.

  
They suddenly feel slightly more patient. Or passive-aggressive, who knows.

  
"I am certain of it, my dearest, royalest, princeliest prince." simple words. Gotta pretend he's an actual royal this time around.

  
He doesn't understand anything but the prince.

  
His eyes light up, like he's a cat-lemur and just saw a piece of meat lying on the counter.

  
He says something in trading dialect: a few simple words.

  
Chiaki doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

"Now." they jump right to the point, because that guy _must_ understand them, right? "GET YOUR COW OFF MY LAWN!"

  
He tilts his head.

  
Is he trying to play mind games? Is this what oppression feels like?

  
_"Noweth. Getteth teethe cowethh offeth mineeth lawneetherino."_

  
His face contorts in confusion, and tilts a little more to the side at every word they say, until, at the end of the sentence, it's twisted in a slightly, ever so slightly, unnatural angle.

  
The baby is mimicking him, except he can't really twist his head that much. Oh well, some people are really flexible. And then, the baby farts, and the kid looks at him.

  
Some people have really sharp nails, too, and people's mouths, agape with confusion, contorted just a bit, have teeth a bit too long, too pointy, as they mouth weird words.

  
And, most important of all, some people are ignoring their boogy orders in favor of walking right past them and into their home.

  
His siblings, clearly in on that scam, try to follow him.

  
But, good for Chiaki, they have already blocked the house hole. 

  
  


"NOETHE SHALLENTHE NOTHE ENTEREETHY." they specify, widening themselves - it's that funny thing where you spread your legs and arms. You know. Widening - to block the entryway properly.

  
The girl looks at them. They look at the girl.

  
Her friend/brother starts making faces.

  
Fine.

  
"Okay. Just get the bison off my lawn."

  
They pretend not to understand Chiaki, but Chiaki, ever the good, supportive, loving person they are, trusts them to not get into the house, and thus, they leave the door, in order to get more space, and start pointing at the bison, before doing pushing gestures, and pointing towards their side, far, far away from the garden.

  
"UNDERSTANDETH?!"

  
They did! They understandeth!

  
Wait. They weren't nodding at Chiaki, they were nodding at each other.

  
And now, they're in their house. And their cursed cow is in their yard.

  
-

  
Katara never turns her back at people who need her. That man (?) doesn't need her.

  
Zuko - or, more specifically, Aang - needs her. It's diaper time.

  
He has a good sense of smell, for a lizard. Actually, she doesn't know if lizards smell stuff.

  
"Do lizards smell things?" she asks Sokka.

  
"Zuko's a person, Katara." he says, knowing fully well the course of the conversation " _People_ smell things."

  
"I'm not asking about Zuko!" she exclaims “What made you think i wasn’t talking about lizards in general?"

  
He looks at her defensiveness, which is clearly turning physical and manifesting at the moment.

  
Now, Zuko, the local lizard, who either can or cannot smell things, is undiapering the diaper.

  
I, the ever-merciful author, am not going to describe the contents of the diaper. However, knowing that they are unpleasant ought to be enough, yes?

  
No, you wish to know? Is that what you wish for?

  
_Because I do not live to serve you._

  
Katara rushes to help, as she has the most experience out of them.

  
She can assume that the crewmen helped Zuko with the diapers, as he doesn't fear babies nearly as much as someone who has Seen It should.

  
But, as she looks through the window, she sees something else, something to liberate her from diaper duty:

  
The tui-damned idiot from earlier - the one whose house they're in, she should be more polite, shouldn't she? - is approaching the Apparel.

  
The Apparel, who is a giant herbivore.

  
Herbivores have vore* on their name. Why do you think they're so aggressive?

And that idiot, whose gender she will not assume, is approaching the evil herbi-vore. The twelve ton herbivore.

  
He has a stable source of food, and thus, is capable of being more aggressive than any carnivorous creature.

  
Are they (he? she? _fucke_?) trying to die?

  
She didn't think anyone but Sokka, local cave explorer, was capable of trying to die, even if the last one was mostly hopefulness and the Raava instinct calling.

  
The diaper can wait.

  
They cannot just let the person whose home they broke into die! It's rude!

  
"Hey, Sokka, find some towels to wipe the baby." she orders, jabbing a finger on his face "I will not undie anyone."

  
She runs off before he can wonder what she is on out loud.

  
-

  
Chiaki is cunning.

  
That is not related to their attempt at self sacrificing, which is happening at the moment.

  
It's just a fact, the rescue attempt is just a fun bonus.

The girl rushes towards them, and then, right past.

She is defending... The bison?

  
No, she's talking to it.

  
Introducing them, in an idiom that doesn't sound like any of the languages she's heard. It's thick, for lack of a better word, but the pronunciation is fluid.

  
They've clearly staged that plan down to the fake languages, but now, Chiaki cannot focus on that.

  
They have to focus on getting extinct animals off their garden, before it reaches down to the cabbages.

  
Those aren't even cabbage-lettuces, they're pure, pure cabbages! No interbreeding, the guy who sold it to them assured! And they are not letting the non-scam pure cabbages be eaten by the world’s worst cow!

  
Those were _expensive_!

  
Those cannot fall prey to the monster!

  
Before they can go back to harassing the large, dangerous animal, the girl starts pulling them away. 

  
“Excusethe meth, I haveth to speak to thy cow!” They exclaim.

  
They were putting their life at stake (steak?) but still, it's important not to get your food eaten, in days like these.

  
The bison has stopped, though, clearly satisfied.

  
It's now lying down. It looks really cute, if Chiaki’s to be honest. Yeah, it’s big, and dirty, but it also raises two very important questions: 

  
1 - What does its fur feel like?

  
2 - What would it look like hairless? Does it shed? Are those technically separate questions?

  
They should offer a business dealership, as they can spin yarn, and that thing has plenty of perfectly yarnable fur.

  
If only the three teenagers weren't, you know, pretending not to speak earth kingdom.

  
Oh well, they can offer now, haggle later.

  
"Would you like to sell some of your bison's fur?" they ask the girl, slipping out of their fake nobleman speech once they finally manage to catch up with her.

  
Is she on some kind of substance?

  
Like, that's really fast. Either that, or Chiaki is less athletic now than they were yesterday.

  
Possible, possible.

  
And then, they arrive at their humble abode.

  
The door is wide open, fully ajar, and another question, very important, comes up:

  
How the _fuck_ did they not hear the screaming?

  
-

  
"I LEFT YOU ALONE FOR THREE MINUTES!" Katara screams, upon getting into the house.

She doesn't have to take a thorough look to see the fact that her brother and Zuko have destroyed that poor person's entire house.

  
All of the cabinets are wide open, and everything in them is scattered over the floor.

  
Multiple wet, dirty towels are on their feet, and Sokka found a sewing needle and is now attempting to sew their new "diaper" shut.

  
Said "diaper" is a mess of small pieces of leather - clearly cut from a shoe -, towels, and, she kid you not, indeed, a fucking, godfucked, piece of a broken jar.

  
"BABY ASSES ARE FRAGILE, SOKKA!" that's where she draws the line. Yes, the mess is tangible, visible, clearer than day itself. However, leather is okay, albeit slightly uncomfortable and not very easy to clean, but sharp glass isn't. "HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED THAT WITH HOW OFTEN YOURS GETS HANDED TO YOU?"

  
She jumps to the rescue, and ignores the Person from earlier, screaming at the state their house was left in exact three minutes after they'd left.

  
The dragon hisses, the sound muffled by the flower vase stuck on his head.

  
The person screams more, before abruptly seizing, as something quite heavy and possibly human-sized hits the floor.

  
Oh yes, people pass out. That’s the best way to react to a dragon in your wooden house.

  
Tui and La, Katara wishes that were her, on the floor, blissfully in the state of Unwilling Long Nap.

  
That asshole even got out of cleaning their own house!

  
-

  
Chiaki wakes up, facing the sun.

  
And soon, they realize something quite relevant:

  
They are on the roof of their own house.

  
They have been left on the roof of their house.

  
And it is incredibly silent. No birds sing, no wind blows.

  
And yet, upon sitting up, they can see the bison, staring at them, licking its lips.

  
Could those things have evolved to be carnivorous? They'd heard of evolution, changes to species-es that happen through time, stuff like that. 

  
Could...

  
Could the bison have become a meat-eater?

  
It was well-known that, even though their humans - the air nomads - were friendly pacifists, their bison companions weren't.

  
It wouldn't be too far off.

  
Chiaki is a coward, and Chiaki is going to go through inside through the piece of wood that had fallen from their ceiling a couple of days ago.

  
Because look, they don't understand evolution, they can't even _read_ that well. They get to be scared of a thing that is that big and has that many teeth.

  
-

  
"Sokka, what did you do." asked Katara, looking at the now even poorer excuse for a residence.

  
"To what?" he feigned obliviousness, hiding a broken door handle behind his back.

  
"To everything!" she exclaimed, as she entered a room. "For example, what happened to the bed?!"

  
"Zuko was looking for some towels." she sees him putting the blame on Zuko, who yes, is very weird, but whom she doubts is quite Like That.

  
And then, she realized something.

  
"What did you think was in the bed. Sokka. Sokka, please tell me. What did you think was in the bed?"

  
"Uh... Big... Towel?" he sputters.

  
"You thought a bed sheet was a big towel?"

  
"NO I DIDN'T! ZUKO DID, KATARA! Z-U-K-O!" she can see the lie on his face. He can usually lie pretty well, unless it's to gran-gran or her.

  
“I’m. I’m disowning you. That’s it.”

  
And, when she steps back into the main area of the house, so, so very tired, she hears something fall. Something very, very heavy.

  
Katara had thought they'd found a nice spot for The Person to nap.

  
"Didn't you like your new bed?" she asked, upon seeing them fall through the ceiling.

  
Sokka gave a startled scream, as he came out of the room.

  
Zuko gave a little chirp, trying to lift his jarred head (a part of her wonders what pickling him would feel like. Would it satisfy the primal urge in her to isolate herself on the mattle until natural selection had its way with him?) from the floor, failing miserably. 

  
She had just grabbed a broom, intent on sweeping the floor, intent on fixing other people’s mistakes, albeit saltily.

  
Anyways, Katara's thin, frail patience was more persistent than she thought it to be.

  
Nonetheless, her suffering was palpable.

  
Zuko changed back into a person.

  
Zuko's head is still stuck in the jar.

  
However, he can now properly scream.

  
Her suffering, unlike his voice, is clear, not a sign of a muffle on it.

  
-

  
Chiaki went indoors to escape the bison.

  
Chiaki went indoors to escape the bison, and, upon opening their eyes and getting up from the floor, thankfully, did not find a dragon, confirming their assumptions about having hallucinated the jar dragon.

  
Instead, they found something so, so much worse:

  
Teenagers.

  
More specifically, teenagers getting rid off half their furniture, because they somehow trashed the kitchen in a couple of minutes.

  
"What did you do to my flower vase."

  
Why is it stuck on pigtail’s head?

  
(A part of them remembers the tales of dragon-children, and sees the way his face looks wrong, and, from its repressed little corner on their head, connects the dots. Thankfully, the rest of Chiaki doesn’t.)

  
He looks at them, as he attempts to struggle his way into his discarded pants. The ceramic isn't transparent, it's just creepy, as they can feel the creepy lizard eyes through the clay.

  
Chiaki does not know what to do with the teenagers.

  
Someone, please send help. Maybe the army.

  
Could... Could Chiaki just leave them at the fair? They were going to the fair earlier, and it would be a good way to keep the routine going, despite the last thirty or so minutes of their life.

  
Would they even follow them?

  
Because you, dear reader, have no idea of how awkward it feels to stare at the teenagers who invaded and destroyed your home, as they politely clean it up.

  
They finally take action.

  
"Okay... So, who put that jar in your head?" they understand them, and, as they've already broke everything in there, Chiaki doesn’t really have any obligation to help them. Yet, they know that if left alone, those teenagers would make their precious vase their next target.

  
If they have to get rid of the plate, then they’re the one euthanizing the ceramic.

  
There is a collective head tilt. Even the baby tilts his head, from his spot on a stool, which is clearly not child-safe.

  
They sigh.

  
"I know you can understand me. Come on." they say, walking up to the teenager. "I'm taking that off."

  
And, when Chiaki approaches, very slowly, deliberately, loudly, as they know how hard it is to do stuff through ceramic head garments (experience, they used to mess a lot with clay, and tried to make a vase of their own head one time), they knee the boy.

  
That should make him lower himself.

  
Right?

  
-

"Are you stumpid?" she asks.

  
She doesn't know if she's asking it to Zuko or to the poor, poor person who tried to knee him in the groin in order to un-jarify his whole cranium.

  
Zuko crosses his arms in a defiant manner, seemingly convinced that the Bad Dragon Jar is his destiny, which is fair, as he’s thrown the Jar Savior onto their back.

  
"Take it off already!" shouts Sokka, before switching to the few dialect words he can muster.

  
Katara is so fucking tired right now.

  
Sokka starts yelling at him in the trader language:

  
"Get the head plate off!" he yells.

  
"NO!" It's the only word she can truly grasp in the fire dialect, fuck whatever it is called. Ashmaker piss song. It might not be the one that fits the situation best, but she is a simple lady, and she is simply tired.

  
She doesn't need to knee him.

  
She just has to tackle him from behind.

  
She isn't the plan person, but "tackle from behind, break jar, free bastard" seems really, really solid to her.

  
The person gets up, and looks at the broken remains of what was once a beautiful flower vase.

  
They take a good long look, and walk to the cabinet.

  
Katara looks at them, as they grab a stale-looking loaf of bread from inside it, and start shovelling pieces into their mouth.

  
-

Chiaki's morning has been, to put it simply, _hellish_. 

  
There's a murderous, possibly carnivorous, cow in their front yard, and the three stupidest teenagers in the world are indoors. In their house. Sitting on the now squeaky clean floor.

  
"Who handed you the baby?" they ask, passing around handmade slices (aka little chunks) of bread. It's the hurried man's lunch, afterall. Chiaki is ignoring that, despite not usually being in a hurry, that’s the lunch they have the most often.

  
No response. 

  
They chat in languages that are probably not fictitious, now that they think about it. They can detect trader dialogue, even if not a lot of it, when the three talk.

  
And, for the first time, as Chiaki chews a piece of stale wheat meat, they wonder…

  
Are these really people? Is this a hallucination?

  
They don't believe in spirits, and that is for the best.

  
Altough, if spirits were real, could this case technically be brought to justice as an unfair curse? Because that is a tempting option.

  
Just. 

  
_Why._

  
Why would that happen to _them_ , of all people?

  
They are just a normal person. 

  
Yeah, sure, maybe their ancestors were a bit weird. But no bloodline gets to live without some fuckers.

  
And now, they are passing stale leftovers around, while questioning whether anything is real or not. Oh, how great it would be, to wake up in a day where they could forget all of this.

  
Soon, they devise a plan: They're going to the fair. They're dropping the children off at the fair. They're running away from the fair.

  
But... That plan does not cover The Bison.

  
Could... Could they convince the children to make their bison carry stuff for them?

  
Because they have plenty of merchandise to sell. And really, wouldn't it be nice? To have someone else to push your little cart for you?

  
However, one does not put the cart in front of the bull.

  
Right?

  
Anyways, Chiaki is putting the cart on top of the bull. Technically speaking, it's a bison, but they've already proven that if The Girl is in there with them, the thing is generally pretty not-murderous.

  
-

  
Katara has never seen so much _food_ in her life. Oh, and the spices! So many of them! At least she thinks they're spices.

  
Now, she likes cooking. She complains about it, but it's an enjoyable thing to do.

  
It requires patience. It requires love. It requires decent ingredients.

  
She doesn't necessarily have all of these requirements, to say the least.

  
Aang is being merrily carried around by Zuko. His smile tries to compensate for Zuko's confused sulking.

  
Katara is like water. Adaptable enough to not get pissy every time she's stuck with people who don't speak the same language as her. That does not keep her from nearly ignoring the language differences and haggling (?) for the prices.

  
Sokka is visibly scaring off everyone, as he has no shopping etiquette.

  
Now, she doesn't quite have it either, as they were allowed to touch merchandise whenever Dad and them visited other villages, on the fair days.

  
But here, nobody touches the stuff, grabbing, shaking, testing it, which yes, is quite counterproductive in her eyes, but still...

  
And the fact that her brother does not know what half those contraptions are for? Yeah, a contributing factor for his weirding out of vendors and consumers alike.

  
She wishes she could pick up languages as fast as he does. She also wishes he didn't pick languages as fast as he does, because she can understand perfectly well what he is doing, and that is, to put it simply, fucking awful.

  
"Lower the price on the flower cabinet. Please?" he asks, trading dialect slipping off his tongue.

  
They do not understand.

  
They are at a fair, for TRADING, shouldn't they speak good trading dialect?

  
Before Katara can start complaining, she sees something out of the corner of her eye:

The person from earlier, the oddly tired, androgynous-looking one, is sneaking away.

  
Is there anything that could warrant that?

She's worried, now. She doesn't want to be stranded without the only semi-friendly person, on a place where nobody speaks any of the languages she understands.

  
"Why are you running?" she asks, when the Person, whose name she will never know, sees her watching them, and commences fleeing.

  
Oh no, you're not getting away, she thinks.

  
She sees Zuko, and, when she points to the running person, who made their bison carry stuff for them, he…

  
Hands her a bottle, and gives Katara an _idea_.

-

Chiaki just wanted to get rid of the small home invading children.

  
They'd even devised a plan! The bison even helped them with the plan, by carrying some merchandise!

  
Now, one might think they're a bad person. However, consider this factor:

  
Those are three weird-looking teenagers who invaded and destroyed their home with the help of an extinct animal.

They shouldn't have been afraid of the bison, they realize.

They should be afraid of the bison taming girl.

  
Because she's coming after them.

  
She's like... Twelve. Really small, sort of chubby in the way kids about to hit a growth spurt are.

  
And she's hunting Chiaki down.

  
And she's hunting Chiaki down, a bottle of smashed alcohol on one hand, and said alcohol, the liquid of the good spirits, the thing Chiaki is going to treat themselves to once this is all over, transparent like water, is being wielded by her, in the form of whips.

_"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK"_ is the national anthem of their head.

The boy - her friend, brother, or whatever - is yelling at her, clearly begging to know what the fuck is going on.

  
She doesn't heed his warning, instead opting to cause a commotion.

  
Because now? Now Chiaki isn't sneaking away.

  
Chiaki's running for their life.

  
-

  
Zuko catches up with her as they leave the fair.

  
"what the FUCK did you do?" they reminisce on the first words they'd ever traded.

  
"They" she pants, and loses her words "Go away."

  
"I'M NOT GOING AWAY!"

  
"Not you!" Oh. _Oh_. She realizes two things:

  
1 - That idiot is going to be the one in charge of helping her learn the trading dialect. _Oh, fuck._

  
2 - More important for the moment, he thinks she’s telling him to go away.

  
"THEY go away!" she points to the woods. The bastard ran away!

  
Her water whips fall. She's pretty sure that isn't water.

  
Yes, she has seen alcohol. No, she didn't recognize the alcohol-smelling alcohol until that very moment. No, she does not have any idea of what the fuck that means to her intelligence index.

  
A part of her realizes that since she met Zuko, all her brain has been cancelled out.

  
He huffs, and a bit of smoke comes out. Aang tries to grab it, and Zuko smiles.

  
"We have to find Sokka." he says. "And the bison."

  
Oh. Oh, yeah. They're kind of lost, a bit. 

  
They kind of caused a _bit_ of a commotion.

  
Should they get disguises? Would that be the reasonable options?

Right as she is about to make a fool of herself and rub mud all over her face…

Sokka arrives.

  
More specifically, Sokka arrives, atop of the bison, which is covered in food, dye and pieces of fabric.

  
Oh, and with him, there is...

Half of the people from the fair.

Half of the very, very _angry_ people from the fair.

And, for the first time in what may or may not be plenty, the trio doesn't communicate, having a single, shared intent, almost telepathic:

_Run._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And to non-binary people: You all are fucking valid! Like, valid as fuck! I don't give a shit if you present in an androgynous, feminine or masculine manner, because gender isn't nearly as real as people like to pretend it is :^) (i'm not talking about bio sex. i'm not a biologist, at least yet. please do not bring me to court because i said that nb people like me are valid. please.)
> 
> * vore is now a southern word. they have some sort of black swallower hybrid swimming around, and the term is usually applied to them. In case I am yet to make this clear, you all are stuck here with me and my horrible, wretched little sense of humor.


	10. The Obligatory Friendship Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what it says on the tin,,, thats it friend
> 
> also its the second time i update in two days! i have other works posted, and one of them is serious-ish, so if you like my weird writing prompts and seeing me practice writing things other than... whatever this is, really, you can check out "transfiguration's gonna come for me at last (and i will burn hotter than the sun)"
> 
> yes i am shamelessly promoting myself. but guess what? my head hurts, i'm tired and i do not care

It's their first night really out of the ship, Zuko realizes.

  
  


He misses his hoard. At least he got to bring his knife, but he had to leave so many things behind.

  
  


So many _people_ behind. _His_ people.

  
  


He wants to go back. Just... Track them down. Fly there, again, and rejoin his crew, somehow.

  
  


But he can't. He needs to shut up, and accept the consequences of his actions.

  
  


But it's just... So hard.

  
  


That wasn't his home, never was meant to be, but he feels homesick.

  
  


But he'll have to make do with what he's got. He knows he can track the ship down, send it mail, even if everything inside him tells him to get closer.

  
  


Is it really a worthy compromise, to keep tailing the old Wani on the bison?

  
  


It isn’t good enough - it’s still raging inside him, outraged -, but it’s what they have to do.

  
  


He thinks it out, albeit not a lot, as Sokka takes his turn cooking dinner. Zuko knows that it isn’t a great idea, but it doesn’t quite land how bad it is until they’re eating rice that is both soupy and burned, and, at the same time, completely unsalted.

  
  


“I did a” thumbs up “job!” Sokka says, seemingly quite satisfied, smacking his lips and pretending that nobody sees him spitting his food behind him whenever he turns to “see if there’s anything dangerous out in the woods.”

  
  


"You just ruined a perfectly decent dinner, that’s what you did." Zuko says, between mouthfuls of the stuff. He's hungry, and they all will probably agree to go salt-hunting in a village tomorrow.

  
  


(Hunting for something is just taking it from its natural place without paying, right?)

  
  


"I don't get you. Rice is delicious." Sokka lies, before grimacing on a piece of fashionably charred rice.

  
  


"You can give me your burned bits, you know." to be honest, he sort of likes it (or at least prefers blackened to gloppy). He doesn't know what he likes more, the fact that his fellow teens are understanding the language he's speaking (at least Sokka is), or the fact that the crispy, burned rice is there. It's almost the whole bowl.

  
  


"No!" Sokka chasticizes, when Katara passes him her entire bowl. He passes to the southern dialect to talk to her, because of course.

  
  


"Stop doing that!" he says, with the loud, assertive tone he calls his captain voice, and everyone else calls absolute batshit screaming.

  
  


"Doing _what,_ exactly ?" Katara asks.

  
  


Great, now Zuko doesn't know how to explain himself. Because of fucking _course_. He sputters, and comes up with some words, although a part of him thinks a proverb would've been better.

  
  


"Speaking in southern!" great, now he sounds like one of _those_ dudes, the really rude generals "Not like that! Just-"

  
  


Sokka has a brilliant idea. Zuko, despite having all the people-reading and people-bending skills of a slug-maggot, can see it in his eyes.

  
  


"We'll teach you more southern!" he looks happy, and he doesn't know why. People aren't supposed to be happy for having to teach him things.

  
  


A part of Zuko wonders if they'll be like his other instructors, but he still nods.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


They don't stick around anywhere for very long. Zuko likes sort-of-tailing after the ship, but fiercely pretends they have some sort of planned path.

  
  


She understands. She wishes she could've kept in touch with her tribe, too.

  
  


But, most important of all, at the moment, is that he is b uilding a pillow nest.

  
  


They don't have a lot of stuff. Well, they _didn't_ , until Sokka came back from the fair the other day with a ton of new blankets and fluffy pillows.

  
  


Who the _fuck_ sells _pillows_ at a fair.

  
  


Anyways, Katara is pretty sure her brother ended up like... Robbing someone's house. She isn't going to complain, though, as their lives are significantly more comfortable.

  
  


Winter is approaching, but winter is _warm_ there. But this isn't a talk about the winter, it's about Zuko using the bison as a wall for pillow fort purposes.

  
  


"Hold this!" he throws her the edge of a thin blanket. That's his way of asking for things, throwing them at people and screaming. She doesn't mind it anymore, but that doesn't mean she isn't going to get him to admit to his pillow crimes.

  
  


"Nope. I still don't know what you're doing." she tries to articulate, but it comes out as more of a "no. don't know what you's doing", because she has a crappy grasp on the Stuff right now.

  
  


"Just hold it already!" it's clearly the future ceiling of the fort, but she still has no idea of why he wants to do it, or how he plans to pin it down. She isn't about to let the idiot dirty up that perfectly good laundry, because _she’s_ the one that always washes it.

  
  


"Where are you putting it?" she asks.

  
  


He stops.

  
  


"Oh, fuck." is the only expression she knows in fire nation for a reason. 

In the end, their fort is sort of successful, with the aid of a couple of logs. By the time Sokka comes back from the nearest village, probably having been chased away, he sees Katara playing with Zuko and the baby, who is receiving a piggy back ride.  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


None of them want to un-set their semi-fort of pillows and mattresses. It's comfy and relaxing on the cool night, and even the bison seems to enjoy it, as he doesn't budge for a second.

  
  


The baby has the time of his life, when Zuko decides to do finger-puppets with the aid of his firebending, to serve as a lantern.

  
  


They are saved from the hassle of having to put down their pillow fort by it catching on fire, at the sad cost of baby Aang losing his source of entertainment for the night.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


Okay, so, newsflash, there are people after Sokka’s sister and Zuko.

  
  
  


He knew that.

  
  


He didn’t expect fire nation soldiers to show up unannounced, knock Zuko out, and force them to flee, though. 

  
  


“That’s new.” he says, from the bison’s back, as it settles into the path of the day.

  
  


Aang babbles something.

  
  


“What you saying?” he asks “You want them to fuck themselves?”

  
  


“No swearing.” says Katara, in a whisper, as if Zuko can understand them, from where he’s passed out cold in the saddle-mattress.

  
  


The baby’s babbling has started to sound like something.

  
  


“Appa?” he asks “You mean papa?” he isn’t going to dwell on the fact that the baby may have called him dad, because there’s no _way_ that’s the truth.

  
  


“Appa.” the baby says. It’s probably his first words, and d’aw, isn’t it cute?

  
  


“Wait.” Katara interrupts their bonding moment “That isn’t papa. It’s like. _Different_.”

  
  


“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Never approach me or my son ever again.” he snags the baby, because that’s his son now and they’ve just had a stressful morning.

  
  


“He isn’t calling you dad." Katara rubs her temples in exasperation.

  
  


“Stop being so jealous!”

  
  


“Appa!” the baby yells, suddenly, and Sokka realizes something.

“Yip Yip!” the baby says. Because of course.

  
  


And, of course, the bison, which may or may not be called Appa, moos and proceeds to tumble down into the first landable patch.

  
  


Because of fucking course. Of course the baby has bison control powers.

  
  


“I’m disowning you. That’s what I am doing.” he lifts up the baby, and looks into his eyes, hoping that maybe he will actually be called dad to his face.

  
  


The baby shoves a hand into Sokka’s mouth.

  
  


-

  
  
  
  
  


Sokka and Zuko, later the next day, reach a consensus:

They're bringing the baby hunting with them.

  
  


On Zuko's mind, that is because that was what his mother did with him and Azula, even if she took to the hunting habits better than him. On Sokka's, it's because he just thinks the baby is neat, and hasn't spent as much time with Aang as he'd like.

  
  


And really, neither of them see why Katara would possibly object to that.

  
  


"Sokka. That is a baby. It's a child. Not even _Bato_ brought you to hunt with the men when you were that age!" she throws her hands up in the air.

  
  


"Well, how do you know? You hadn’t been born back then!" Sokka knows best. He is literally just... A great guy, okay? He gets to bring a toddler to a hunting expedition into the unknown, just this time.

  
  


_ "BECAUSE YOU'RE ALIVE! LITERALLY  _ ANYTHING  _ CAN EAT YOU IN HERE!" _

  
  


Okay, that is a fair point, but Sokka's a warrior! And Zuko is a dragon, for La's sake!

  
  


"OH PLEASE, THERE ARE NO POLAR-BEAR GEESE HERE, KATARA!"

  
  


And, as she looks at him, and he looks at her, both of them are hit with the same realization:

  
  


They have no fucking idea of what the _fuck_ is hiding in the woods.

  
  


"Well. Shit." they are in the middle of the woods, and, to Sokka, that is but an invitation to scream. He is, for now, going to refuse to attend said event, or, at the very least, not send a reply.

  
  


They both turn to Zuko at the same time. He is hugging Aang, but immediately ceases and desists upon being seen by them. He assumes an angry look, but Aang is still attached to his hip, giggling and babbling something that almost sounds like his name.

  
  
  


"Zuko." Sokka begs "What is in there?." and points, hoping his expression will do the blood work.

  
  


“Trees.” he says, still, for some reason, refusing to smile at the small child.

  
  


"Look, Katara, on the bright side, we’ll find out!"

  
  


"That isn't relieving, you know?" she grabs his fists. Ouch, why is she so stupid strong- "Stay safe."

  
  


He doesn't know the word for a live animal, but he knows the one for carcass.

  
  


He asks Zuko what kind of carcass is in the woods.

  
  


"None, unless something died in there." it's good that now Sokka sometimes understands what he's saying. Sadly, his understanding benefits only apply to like.... Half of what he says. The rest sounds like gibberish to his stupid, uneducated little ears.

  
  


"Okay, we'll scout. When we know all is safe, we'll bring Aang." he tells Katara, as he wrings the boy out of Zuko, with plenty of resistance.

  
  


Their camp is on a field, a little bison-safe clearing, but all possible prey have gone away for now, since a bunch of predatory, loud teenagers are hiking around and destroying the whole ecosystem.

  
  


Because of-fucking- _course_.

  
  


Sokka is totally not scared of the woods. Because they’re not scary. Really, they’re perfectly fine and normal.

  
  


That is his life now, looking through the greenery as they reach its deepest points, harrowing trees, haunting noises, shadows that seem to move and so, so many opportunities for them to be spied on-

  
  


They didn't even get to bring the baby, and that, my friends, is the purest tragedy. Because really, babies are like. Liquid courage, at this point, even if slurping a small child with a straw isn’t a thing Sokka is actually keen to do.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  
  


A part of Zuko wants to bite down on the deer-toucan's neck.

  
  


Zuko knows that is the best way to put the tiny thing, barely big enough to be considered a meal, out of its misery.

  
  


But it isn't there for mercy. He is selfish, and a part of him wants to feast. It shakes under his skin, as he pulls the animal out of the hunter's trap set up by Sokka. He tries to be gentle, to ease its pain as much as possible.

  
  


Despite his efforts, it doesn’t calm down. It sees him lick his lips, and it sees the way his hands shake, the way his claws linger so much.

  
  


_ (“You were born with fangs for a reason, Zuko.” said Mother, her gentle words slipped through needle teeth. Her face was beautiful, but her mouth was too large, her teeth were too many. _

  
  


_ Nobody needed to be told what Mother was, even before she turned and refused to come back. _

  
  


_ “Yeah, dum-dum!” jeered Azula, a little kid that learned so much better than him. _

  
  


_ The sparrow-lizard they were putting down trembled in his hand. Zuko didn’t want to be the monster people said he was. _

  
  


_ But it looked delicious. So much  _ better  _ than any feast the fire lord could’ve thrown.) _

  
  


Sokka is very smart. He learns so fast, that it sometimes makes Zuko envious, and proud all the same. His traps seem fail-proof, his plans possible. He would make a great general. Not like the kind that put his hoard at risk.

  
  


He doesn't despise the water tribe teenagers. They were his crewmen, too, on the ship. Not even the stupid animal in him wants to confront them anymore. 

  
  


He only realized that now.

  
  


That their company is nice, and even the thing acknowledges that.

  
  


And now, there's a tiny deer whimpering, smashed by a boulder. And if Zuko doesn't put it down soon, he knows Sokka will.

  
  


Is it his thoughts, or the thing? What does it want from him, at this point?

  
  


Sokka asks something to the levels of "do you want me to kill it?", and Zuko makes his decision swift.

  
  


They have to eat, and it is in pain already. Letting it be will not only hinder them but will also bring it nothing but a slower demise. It’s dishonorable, to let food (so warm and _moist)_ go to waste like that.

  
  


Zuko doesn't want to light up his hand, to burn it, even though that would cook the meat quicker than whatever preparation Katara is going to do.

  
  


As he gently cradles its head, he wonders if he’s turning out like Azula. Burning would be quicker, more natural.

  
  


But that is less painful, to it and to him alike, isn’t it?

  
  


Bird-classified animals always have frail necks.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


Zuko doesn't always eat very often - something lizard-y, probably, and Sokka can just... Deduce, or at least suppose, that dragons, as big predators tend to, don't need to eat very often, a relieving fact, as they eat a lot -, especially now that they've left the ship.

  
  


But he looks anxious, his eyes nothing but pinpricks as he looks at the bloodstains on his hand. Sokka isn’t even grossed out at how he licks his lips.

  
  


It's been a few days since their departure, he just realized. Katara is yet to snap and murder all of them, and that's like... More surprising than working at a fire nation ship, or even the dragon.

  
  


She is his sister, but her murderous energies are off the metaphorical charts. 

  
  


Now that he thinks about it, they should bring her to hunt. Yes, she is a girl, and even dad said she was a little more frail than him, but if anything, she’s just _awesome_. She would probably be able to freeze some water into daggers, or make wicked traps for the animals.

  
  


A part of Sokka wonders about what she is doing at the moment.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  
  


Katara is bored.

  
  


That's it. That's the whole situation.

  
  


She's feeding the fire for lunch, but the vegetables Sokka got yesterday are cooking already, and it's super hot outside already, even if it isn't even midday yet.

  
  


Actually, she wonders, could she fry an egg on Zuko? She's felt his temperature a couple of times, and he runs really warm, all the time. Like, furnace warm. She could bake flatbread on his back.

  
  


Right as she thinks that, a part of her brain looks at the pot of simmering rice water, and invoques the disgusting, filthy image of a set of pans made of people.

  
  


Ew, ew, ew.

  
  


Aang sees her make a face, from where he'd managed to climb upon a couple of rocks.

  
  


And, as she sees that it's quite a tall pile of rocks - like, that kid walks, sure, but how did he even manage to get himself there? She didn't even see those rocks until that point (almost like they'd been manifested to inconvenience her to great extent, she realizes), he sees her face and frowns.

  
  


And hops off the rocks.

  
  


The pile of rocks that is bigger than him.

  
  


Katara screams, and, in a brief second, she runs through the stretch of land, the tiny serrated knife (she is still salty Dekku didn't give her one of the good, sharp chef's knives, although she sort of understands his concerns, as the chicken noodles more than justified them) falling down to the grass, and-

  
  


Aang floats down safely.

  
  


Aang _floats_ _down_.

  
  


Aang _floats_.

  
  


And, as she stops in pure shock, and rubs her eyes, sure that it is all a dream, and as, upon not waking up, she pinches her arm, and nothing happens.

  
  


Oh Tui. Oh La. Oh _fuck_.

  
  


She-

  
  


She just saw that baby _airbend_.

  
  


And, as she realizes that, Aang runs over to her. Or well, walks briskly. He isn’t very fast, his legs are like, tiny.

  
  


It is baby's first run, and it is also baby's first fucking airbending, there's no way she didn't see that, what the fuck-

  
  


There is an implicit rule to not swear in front of the baby, although it isn’t really implicit as she enforces it whenever it is convenient.

  
  


Anyways, Katara is disrespecting the no-swearing-in-front-of-baby rule.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Sokka watches as That Fucker (it's an affectionate nickname for his sort-of-coworker, at this point), gently carries a dead carcass, like it's about to spring to life.

  
  


He gives up carrying it when he sees a squirrel.

  
  


In an alternative reality, Zuko would have a little waggy-tail, reserved exclusively for when he sees squirrels.

  
  


Like, that's the most dog-like dragon Sokka's ever seen. He's never seen a dragon before Zuko, but his point stands nonetheless.

  
  


"YOU DROPPED YOUR CARCASS, BRO!" He yells. Oh god, he realizes, he's speaking like Toklo.

  
  


He isn't in risk of becoming his dad. He's in serious risk of turning into Toklo, the pre-evolution to Bato. That is a terrifying concept, and Sokka is not going to dwell on it.

  
  


Instead, he is going to haul that stupid animal over his shoulder, and get Zuko's clothes.

  
  


Oh, he isn't really nude, don't worry. He’s just a lizard.

  
  


To anybody else, the huge carnivore, which has magical fire powers and wings, would be more concerning than seeing your coworker naked.

  
  


But Sokka isn't like other teenage boys, he has a deer with a beak, and no fear response to large predators. Thanks, Zuko, you just ruined a perfectly good child soldier.

  
  


See? Now he's got no reaction to weird shit!

  
  


“If Katara has to give you another bath, she is going to ban you from entering the tent again.”

  
  


But now, Zuko's got his stupid dragon butt up in the air, and he's stalking a squirrel-pigeon, which had landed on the grass.

  
  


His wide eyes are pretty cute. Like, look at that dragon go, with his full-body wiggles!

  
  


All his reluctance, from his human form, seems forgotten.

  
  


It's like he doesn't want to kill the sparrow. He just wants to play with it, which is a foreign thing to Sokka.

  
  


That means not all his weird-response has been eliminated, and that is relieving to him. Like a litttle lifeline, in the shaky world that is a dragon chasing birds around.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  


They're studying the southern dialect - their first lesson was to tell Zuko that that was the proper term for it, not "barbarian gossip", as he'd said it was.

  
  


"I have..." he struggles, the words foreign to his tongue, coming out warbled, almost hiss-like (hissy?) "A black hair. Right?"

  
  


Katara realizes she probably looks like she's about to lose it, as he braces himself. She doesn't know if he thinks she will lose it in a violent way, and she doesn't really want to know.

"A black hair? Like, one single black hair?" Katara asks.

  
  


"He's right, though." Sokka says "He does have one hair."

  
  


"Sokka, his ponytail isn't just _one_ hair!"

  
  


"It's a _phoenix plume_!" he says, in the trader language. She only knows the hairstyle's called that because he's pointing at it.

  
  


"Fine! Phoenix tail!" she says the phoenix in her best Zuko accent, and laughs.

  
  


"STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" he yells.

  
  


"Stop having one single hair, then!" Sokka says, smiling.

  
  


Zuko screams again and throws a pillow at him.

  
  


"Oh?" Sokka smiles, for he has always been regarded as the best pillow fighter of their village for a reason.

  
  


And now, he rises from the shadows, ever the brave fighter, armed with a pillow in each hand.

  
  


Katara decides to invite herself into the fight, for she fears Zuko may meet his demise on her brother's hands, and for no other reason. It isn't like she's going to have fun, as she always loses.

  
  


Despite last week's campfire fire (campfire ^2?), they still have a surplus of things to throw at one another, mostly lightweight, not always pillows.

  
  


Zuko puts up a show of being angry, but, by the last time they throw each other around on the grass, rolling and trying to be silent for the sleeping baby’s sake, she can see a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

  
  


For some reason she doesn't know, that feels a little bit like a victory.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


Zuko - Zuko as in the dragon - is coiled around Aang. He has been coiled around Aang for three hours, sleeping in the sun on the Bison's back.

  
  


Sokka has never seen anything that cute in his life, and he needs to draw it. It isn't like he can just produce an image of the exact scene with some sort of device. Actually, now that he thinks about it, that’s a thing he’d like to make. Sounds like a fun pet project.

  
  


"Katara" he whispers, "We need to find paper and ink. Now."

  
  


The problem was that they didn't really have anything. They'd gone to a town (a bad time on its own right, on Sokka's humble yet correct opinion, as, yet again, they found themselves chased by law enforcement, even if this time it wasn’t because of the wanted posters) to send off a letter to Iroh yesterday, before flying off again.

  
  


But they'd exhausted their supply of paper, and they'd broken their bottle of ink earlier that morning, along with a fair amount of the things on the campsite, which included, but were not limited to the aforementioned ink, a tree, and what looked suspiciously like human remains.

And now, Sokka knew that.

  
  


But knowledge and acceptance aren't the same things, and he isn't about to accept the fact that he has to walk to town again.

  
  


"You know perfectly well what you did." Katara is redoing the seams on one of their shirts. "And thus, you know just why we don't have any ink, or any-"

  
  


"Fine, Katara." he cuts what he is sure will be a whole speech short "I'll go into town again."

  
  


And thus, he goes back to the city. Because really, it isn't like Gaoling's a super small town.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fat the "One hair" bit was something that happened in my first year of english classes! my classmate said she had one single hair, and i am yet to forget that to this day....
> 
> today's content rec is my other stuff. And cereal-whore, they're an amazing author and i adore their work, so they're more checkout-worthy than my stuff, tbh


	11. Sokka Weaponizes Small Children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What it says on the tin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLLY FUCK I JUST HIT 10K
> 
> Y A L L
> 
> im so happy rn, but TW for this chapter, it has a bunch of violence! i don't think it's too graphic, though!

  
  
  
  
  


Sokka likes going into town. It’s fun, to see so many colors, to bother so many people. He knows not everyone likes it, and thus, he compensates for other people’s introverted natures by being outwardly excited and happy to be around.

He has also taken the habit of listening in. Some may call it eavesdropping, he calls it an expansion of his vocabulary.

  
  


Today is one of those days. Well, all days are “one of those days”.

  
  


Yes, he is there for something, but it does not mean he can't enjoy his hobbies of longing for trivial things, that don't get burned every few days or claimed as “hoard”.

  
  


He sees a group of children coming out of a building, leather bags in their backs. 

  
  


They are talking about something. Excited hand movements all over the place, shouty young voices.

  
  


He is curious. Curiosity may kill the cat, but, in Sokka's case, it never fails to bring him back.

  
  


He falls into step with them.

  
  


“Ayo.” he says, hoping hello sounds cooler like that.

  
  


He forgot he can only speak trader tongue.

  
  


“How are you, fellow felons?” he asks, because he already said hi and not responding after that might sound rude.

  
  


They say something, and then start ignoring him, which well, fair enough.

He still follows them, though.

  
  


Should he be surprised to walk into that dark, shady place?

  
  


Because that, of course, has to be the kind of thing that happens to him.

  
  


Maybe this isn’t shady, he thinks. It is just somewhere really dark, with an auditorium.

  
  


And then, when he next realized, he was giving their last pocket change to get in, because there was no way that wasn't something cool.

  
  


One of the things he'd learned in that journey through the fuckhole that was the earth kingdom was that, usually, cults did not charge for entry.

  
  


So, by process of elimination, it was… anything but a cult. Maybe a cooler cult? Or a fighting ring? He would love to go to a fighting ring.

  
  


He sits down, and hopes nobody will talk to him, because he knows none of the language they speak there. Would anyone understand him in trading dialect? Because he'd like that.

  
  


He'd like that a lot, just not as much as he'd like to see those two buff dudes in the ring duke it out.

  
  


But then, one of them - maybe the announcer? - opens way to someone.

  
  


The crowd cheers. There are banners with them, being held up by some people.

  
  


All that he can think is that that’s the tiniest kid Sokka had ever seen in his life.

  
  


He is about to send an angry mail to the animal protective services of that town, that is, until the kid - a tiny girl, with black hair obscuring her eyes completely - takes a step forward, and laughs at the man across from her.

  
  


And then, when he is one second away from an actual panic attack, she starts beating the shit out of the man. Boulders are flying, the ground is being lifted and he now understands why it is bare earth.

  
  
  


And nevermind panicking, or calling someone, Sokka just gained a new idol.

  
  


“Look at her rabid magnificence!”, he wishes to say. He wants to find dad and Bato and tell them they have to incorporate another person into their ranks. 

  
  


Fuck “taking him ice dodging the next time they meet”, he wants to tell them, take this small toddler I'm mailing you instead!

  
  


Whatever the kid says at the end of the fight, it's probably funny. Really funny, everyone's laughing and it isn't at her. 

  
  


There's something in the way that kid moves, about how she never leaves the floor for very long, and how all her movements are strong, decisive, that make Sokka do his decision:

  
  


He is talking to that small child. He is befriending that small child. Because he is a fifteen year old - in his opinion, a grownup - and he is old enough to decide for himself that he wants to incorporate small children into his friend group.

  
  


Of course, there is a small problem. The language difference. 

  
  


But he's been learning trader dialect for like, half a month. Maybe a bit more, two thirds of a month. Is two quarters bigger than half? It sounds so - don’t judge him, they didn’t measure stuff like that back at home -, therefore, he's been learning trader dialect for two quarters of a month.

  
  


He's going to do _GREAT_!

  
  


So, when the announcer says something, Sokka jumps into the situation.

  
  


The situation is the fighting ring, and, unknown to him, he just challenged Toph Beifong, the Blind Bandit, bane of the existence of fully trained pro-wrestlers, to a fistfight in public.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


Toph has built an enjoyment for beating the ever-living shit out of people. Maybe that is inaccurate, really.

  
  


Because she thinks it may be innate, seeded deep within her.

  
  


It's one of those normal facts of life. Parents suck, dresses are too frilly not to get dirty, people’s expectations aren’t worth it, and Toph has an innate need to fight everyone.

  
  


Anyways, Toph just got challenged by a dude who speaks bad trader dialect and seemingly has never been to a fight before.

  
  


He's ricocheting off the walls, at this point. She appreciates the bounce.

  
  


"How do you even get up at this point?" she asks, sending another boulder flying his way.

  
  


There's no way he doesn't have a broken rib or two.

  
  


"Can we go somewhere?" he tries asking, and spits out a tooth. 

  
  


"Can I have your teeth?" she asks, stopping for a second, saying it loud and clear so she can be heard.

  
  


"Yes." she doesn't think he knows the word for teeth, he's got a strong accent, the kind that some of her father's clients - the ones the navy had contracted, she'd overheard - had.

Toph isn't stupid. That motherfucker's trying to kidnap her. Probably for her parents, but that thought makes her panic too much to dwell on it.

  
  


She is getting his teeth. Maybe some toenails, too. Because no person rats her out and keeps their toes.

  
  


"Great!" she approaches, ready to shove a hand into his mouth and become the tooth trader, before switching to a quiet, choppy water-tribe, a language she'd hardly learned, because her parents didn't want her to inherit the business, to even think about something like that.

  
  


"I know _they_ sent you."

  
  


"Who?" he's trying to play stupid, and his heartbeat matches it. Maybe he is.

"You said I could have your teeth, right?" she picks the previously abandoned tooth off the floor, ignoring him.

  
  


Yes, that isn't exactly her funniest, but she likes it. It isn't like she's an actual comedian. Toph’s brand of entertainment isn’t the quips, really, and everyone knows that.

  
  


"No, like-" he spits out a bit of blood, coppery and watery in the way that indicates some sort of minor health risk "I want you to meet my friends."

  
  


His southern is a pleasant-sounding language. It makes her want to punch him, either despite or because of that fact.

  
  


It flows nicely, but it isn’t like she can understand it very well anyways.

  
  


She ignores the rest of what he says, as she is victorious and he's speaking too fast.

  
  


Instead, she makes the move, and knees him in the face, no earthbending required.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


Sokka has no money now.

  
  


He literally paid money to get the shit beaten out of him by a toddler. He literally paid all his ink-paper-letter money to pass out due to getting the shit beaten out of him by a toddler.

  
  


Well, she isn't a toddler, but still. He could probably pick her up and wield her like a hatchet, though.

  
  


First, though, he has to get up, catch up to her before she is fully hidden by the dissipating crowd. He knows those people are laughing about him, and he doesn’t care.

  
  


He doesn't want to be creepy, but also, he's gonna try to talk to her when he comes out of the Beating People Up Cage that is the floor of that place.

  
  


Not his best, but he just got his ass handed to him for the fuckteonth time of his life.

  
  


"Are you sure you don't wanna come?" he asks her, as he gets up from the floor. He didn't even put up a fight, and, to him, it lasted less than a whole minute.

  
  
  


“How.” she asks him, in a barely-audible whisper of southern “Haven’t you died yet?”

  
  


Okay. Getting murdered is okay. But he can’t take people asking him why he doesn’t want to get murdered/isn’t able to at the moment.

  
  


“Not your fucking business!” he exclaims, and hobbles up. His legs are persistent. His legs are also not the problem. He’s pretty sure he’s going to die from his ribs. “You cannot meddle on my personal matters.”

  
  


She laughs and starts walking.

  
  


He doesn’t think she’d expected him to walk right after her.

  
  


“Did my parents send you here?” she tries to trip him. He is used to being tripped, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t fall flat on his face.

  
  


“I literally have no idea who you are!” he exclaims. This time, he doesn’t get up, instead opting to trip her instead.

  
  


Every time she sidesteps him, he rolls himself into her path in an increasingly inconvenient manner.

  
  


“Really?” she looks down on him. There’s boogers on her nose. “You’re not joking, though.”

  
  


And then, to his surprise, she reaches out a hand. He goes to grab it, like the fool he is, but before actually reaching it, she retracts it.

  
  


“I’m the Blind Bandit.” and then, in the edgiest tone a child could muster, she says “And if you mess with me, I’m going to-”

  
  


“Yeah, I get it. Don’t worry.” he says, getting up on his own “I just thought you were cool and like-”

  
  


Great. He doesn’t know how to explain his thought process. 

  
  


“I don’t care.” she starts walking faster.

  
  


However, she is underestimating the advantage his dummy long legs give him.

  
  


“I have a bunch of friends, and I-” fuck. “I don’t actually know what I intended to do, actually. Like, show you off to my friends?”

  
  


She gives him a look. He can feel it behind her bangs. Why does she wear those? Can she even see with them? Is this some sort of power restraint she inflicted on herself?

  
  


“Look, in my legitimate defense, one of them is my _sister_ , and the other is a _baby_.” he justifies himself, raising his hands.

  
  


She wheezes.

  
  


“I would deny your invitation, but I’m curious now.” she says “Is the kid yours or your sister’s? Or _both_?”

  
  


“ _EW_ \- WHAT THE _FUCK_ -” He gags “No, we found him on an iceberg.”

  
  


“You what.” she stops. “Oh fuck. You. You’re not lying. I demand to go wherever you are, peasant.”

  
  


“Rude. I’m Sokka, of the Southern capital.” it was never really a capital, it was just the biggest one left standing (the one with the smallest number of benders).

  
  


“I’m the Blind Bandit.” she reaches out a hand. Sokka isn’t stupid. “Also known as Toph Beifong.”   
  


  
  


“Cool. I have no idea why you said your name like that, but cool.”

  
  


“You’re not from here, are you?”

  
  


He feels like he shouldn’t mention the fact that they’re on the run. Or that they have a bison. Or that Zuko is there. Because Zuko’s a dragon. And because Zuko’s also a Zuko. Sokka shouldn’t have thought of his name thrice, he’s pretty sure he’s going to get summoned now.

  
  


“Not really. We’re on a _big trip_ , right now.”

  
  


“To where?” she cocks her head. He has to fight back his hair-ruffling urges. She just kneed him until he passed out less than ten minutes ago, and now they’re buddy-buddy, which does not make any sense. But she’s cool. Really cool.

  
  


“Oh. Long story.”

  
  


She stops. 

  
  


“Tell me. I will sit down, if I need to.”

  
  


That isn’t a good idea, they’re approaching the city center, she is probably going to get trampled there.

  
  


“No need to.” he doesn’t want to lie, but he has to. “We’re going to the north. My sister’s a waterbender. The last one.”

  
  


“You’re lying on the first point.” she says, and jabs a finger on his face. “I want the truth.”

  
  


“How do you know I’m lying?” he asks. It’s his turn to cock his head and jab a finger.

  
  


“I can see with my feet.”

  
  


“I don’t think you think I’m going to believe that. It isn’t like you’re _blind_ , or anything!”

  
  


She faces his general direction, and lifts up her bangs.

  
  


Unblinking, opaque blind eyes stare at him. She’s glaring at him and she can’t even see!

  
  


“Okay. I was wrong, but now I’m connecting the dots.” he stops her “Wait a minute, I’m connecting them.”

  
  


“You’re connecting jackshit, I just gave you the answer!”

  
  


“Yes, but no.”

“I don’t see how I haven’t given you the answer.”

  
  


Is it rude if he says that it’s because she doesn’t see at all?

  
  


“Really depends on the social circle, but usually, yes.”

  
  


Oh, shit, he thinks. He’s saying it all out loud, isn’t he?

  
  


“Technically, yes. You probably have a concussion. I can get you some medicine at my house, just hang on and follow me.”

That is an unnecessary detour, but also, he is definitively concussed.

  
  


So, he follows the small blind child, completely trusting despite having nearly been beaten to death by her a couple of minutes ago.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


Zuko and Katara are worried.

  
  
  


“Where is Sokka?” he asks her, upon returning to the camp (fact check later w the other chap). His southern pronunciation is improving, but it isn’t time to dwell on that. 

  
  


Because it’s midday, and Sokka is gone. He hasn’t been there for a long while, and she doesn’t know how to drop it in a way that won’t worry Zuko.

  
  


“He’d left this morning.” she’d stayed in the camp, washing their clothes, and he had left to steal some carrot-potatoes for lunch. (doing it the other way around often ended with fires, small nests of dirty clothes, and no lunch but an angry mob) “Letter.”

  
  


“ _Fuck_.” he says.

  
  


“Don’t worry about it.” she wants to tell him that if he’d gotten kidnapped, then whoever took him will give him back in about an hour. “He’ll come back.”

  
  


Zuko seems anxious nonetheless. His pupils are slits, now, and he’s fidgeting. 

  
  


“He likes shopping. Really, he’ll come back with something new, don’t worry, Zuko.”

  
  


“We have no money, he’ll get in trouble.” he says, in trader, which is one too many language changes for her brain. She barely even registers his whine.

  
  


Katara has an idea.

  
  


She doesn’t know if he’ll understand it, though.

  
  


“We can go into someone’s.” she tries to remember the word for home “And get money.”

  
  


She doesn’t know how to tell him that it was only in the case that he was actually kidnapped, so she follows him when he immediately leaves camp, heading for the town.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


“Okay, you just wait here outside.” she pats him on the back and proceeds to jump the fenced-off wall.

  
  
  


Sokka wants in on the forbidden merchant house.

  
  


He refuses to wait, plus, he doesn’t know how she’s gonna identify the right medicine.

  
  


She underestimated how much he wants to break into the house that may or may not be hers (she’s also skipping the fence, afterall). He himself also underestimated how well he can break into the fenced-off house.

  
  


Maybe he can scream? She will surely come back for him if he becomes a screamo, right?

  
  


So, that’s what he does. He walks to the front gates, stares up at the dumb-looking winged pig, and starts yelling:

  
  


“HEY!” he yells “IS ANYONE THERE?”

  
  


A pair of guards appears.

  
  


“Beifong residence.” the shorter one says, in a dead-sounding customer service voice, answering Sokka’s unasked question of whether or not that was the blind bandit’s house. “Do you have an appointment?”

  
  


Sokka doesn’t. Is what he has with Toph an appointment?

  
  


“I need Toph Beifong.” he says, trying to disguise his accent with a special kind of despair.

  
  


The guards look at one another. 

  
  


“He isn’t supposed to know about the kid, right?” the shorter one asks to his stupid bulky friend, who then steps forward, reaches over the grate like he’s going to murder Sokka via the amazing choky-choky.

  
  


“Why do you have an appointment with the heiress?” 

  
  


He thinks really hard. She would kill him if he said he saw her beat the shit out of some pro-wrestlers, including him, right?

  
  


And then, his brilliant vocabulary, it comes up with something.

  
  


Something _incredible_.

  
  


“I’m the avatar!” he says, and smiles. He just lost his last baby tooth. His mouth is bleeding heavily.

  
  


“No, thanks.” the guards go a bit farther. He doesn’t understand that, his mouth isn’t foaming. He’s got some bat-like mouth apparel, not rabies.

  
  


“Ask your boss about it.” he wants to do an airbending threat, but he doesn’t really airbend. Or bend at all. Not even his boomerang bends.

  
  


“Li, go ask Lao about it.”

  
  


“My name isn’t Li, Aki.”

  
  


“You know who you are, and you know you are my subordinate. Go ask the boss about it.”

  
  


“ _Great_!” Sokka cheers. He doesn’t know how to say that he wants to be taught earthbending, and also, he doesn’t really want that, but hey, he thinks the two guards get the gist of his powerful avatar talk.

  
  


“How do you know who the Beifong kid is?" asks the remaining guard.

  
  


" _Water tribe._ " he whispers, and giggles.

  
  


They are separated by a metal fence. The guy is getting a bit further back anyways.

  
  


“That. That’s nice, kid. Why are you bleeding?”

  
  


He doesn’t know what to say. Toph understood southern, though, so maybe the guy does too?

  
  


“I’ve got a concussion. Isn’t that _cool_?” he switches, whispering in a secretive manner.

  
  


“Ling!” the guard yells “There’s a weird fucking kid outside! He’s speaking in tongues!”

  
  


“I can understand you! I'm an empath!” he reaches over the fence and gently pets the guard.

  
  


Aki starts screaming.

  
  


“Open up, buddy.” he switches back to the trading language, which the fall seems to understand decently. “Let the avatar in, won’t ya?”

  
  


“No!” he throws himself back.

  
  
  


The other guard comes back.

  
  
  


“Aki, my man, are you okay?”

  
  


“The avatar’s possessed, Lingo!”

  
  


Guard Two - Li, or Lingo, although he has the feeling that that isn’t his actual name - gives Sokka a long, disappointed look.

  
  


“Please stop scaring the staff and leave.” he says “Lao isn’t in the residence at the moment. You can schedule an appointment later, if you come here between-”

  
  


“No, thanks.” Sokka interrupts and starts trying to open the gate.

  
  


Sadly, it’s locked.

  
  


That doesn’t mean he isn’t going to keep screaming.

  
  


Because Sokka is concussed, and even when normal he doesn’t really think when it comes to people-interactions.

  
  


“Water tribe is here!” he yells “Please let me in!”

  
  


He doesn’t need to look back to see that there are people watching him.

  
  


But here’s the thing: He is incapable of giving a shit. He wants rib hurty medicine, and maybe a little nap and some roast chicken.

  
  


“Actually, guards?” someone chimes in.

  
  
  


His tiny companion, the bastard that got him in that situation. She switched clothes with absurd speed, and now looks like a cute little china doll. He has the urge to smash her against the wall, because china dolls are incredibly creepy.

  
  


He’s glad he isn’t talking things out loud without realizing anymore, though.

  
  


“Let him in, won’t you?” she asks, like a cute little kid with far too much authority.

  
  


They’re outside, but she’s using her indoors voice - does that make sense? -, and it’s really soft, gentle.

  
  


He has no _fucking_ idea of what’s going on.

  
  


“You really don’t, do you?” she whispers, like he said it out loud, when the gate is opened.

  
  


She has a smile of barely-restrained anger.

  
  


But that doesn’t matter, Sokka is in! Sokka has arrived, and Sokka is pretty sure he just convinced someone he’s the avatar!

  
  


“I told them I was the Avatar.” he whispers to her, and she slaps her face audibly. He can feel the reverb of the self-slap on his soul.

  
  


“I’m one second away from euthanizing you.” Toph whispers, softly and gently. He doesn’t think the guards hear her.

  
  


He wants to tell her to shut up, but then he remembers she’d just beat him to a pulp if he did that.

  
  


So, Sokka ruffles her hair. It’s super silky.

  
  


She seems to realize the guards aren’t really really watching them, as she moves to bite him.

  
  


However, a guard looks at them, briefly, and she stops.

  
  


His hand has been left intact.

  
  


_ Thanks, Mr. Lingo. _

  
  
  
  


-

  
  


“What are you doing?” she knows what he is doing, but she is asking anyways.

  
  


“Theft.” he states, simply, putting on the Theft Boots.

  
  


“What about Aang?” 

  
  


He stops for a second. His mouth opens and closes, briefly, and then:   
  


“Aang theft.”

  
  


She’s never felt so synchronized with another person before.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


They manage to lose the guards a couple of minutes in.

  
  


Sokka doesn’t know how, but clearly, Toph is practiced with that.

  
  


“Holly shit, dude.” he whisper-yells “Your house is so fancy!”

  
  


“Thanks. There’s gold like, everywhere, isn’t it?” she has her hands folded in front of her, ready to be weaponized.

  
  


“Real gold?!” he yells. She shoves a hand into his mouth.

  
  


“Ew, _crusty_.” Sokka complains

  
  


“Don’t yell, _idiot_!” she whispers. “I’m going to smuggle you into my room, and then, you’re gonna stay there until I find you something to help with the headache, alright?”

  
  


“Seems good.” he says, but she detects his crusty, crusty lie.

  
  


“You are not going to pretend to be the avatar. You are not going to leave the room. You are not going to-”

  
  
  


“I get it, kid!” he says, and crosses his arms “I _do_ make a pretty wicked avatar, though.”

  
  
  


“You really don’t. Just stop.” she tells him, but good thing he never listens to anyone.

  
  
  


“Are you sure? Are you sure I have to stop?” he looks at her.

  
  
  


“I do, because if my parents find out I’m leaving the house, they’re going to lock me in here even more!” she looks like she’s about to yell. 

  
  


_Oh fuck_ , Sokka thinks, _I’m going to have to kidnap this small child, won’t I?_

  
  
  


“You won’t.” she tells him. “Don’t think of anything.”

  
  


“You could come with us, though.” he ignores that he just said that out loud, as they enter the luxurious, sharp-object free bedroom. “We live well. Except for when stuff catches on fire.”

  
  


She rubs at her arm. They’re in the bedroom, now.

  
  


He sits on the bed and pats the space beside him, sinking into the soft mattress. It’s too soft.

  
  


“We don’t have beds this soft, but we’re doing fine. We take turns cooking, and then we take turns making fun of each other.” he likes it, the romanticization of their journey. It isn’t really that good, but still, it’s the truth.

  
  


“Fuck you, I’m getting you some ginger medicine.” she punches his knee and leaves.

  
  


Sokka is alone, but too tired to do much with the lonely time. He does have a couple of wicked ideas, though, to get one of those cool pillows into his pocket.

  
  


The minutes pass, and he doesn’t act on anything. He doesn’t even go under the bed, which might seem stupid, but hey, he wasn’t told to.

  
  


Resting is boring.

  
  


Is it lunch?

  
  


Has she abandoned him? Is he all alone in that cold, cold world?

  
  


Most important of all, he’s smelling roast _chicky_.

  
  


He can probably make it to the kitchen. It’s the best place he can drag himself to, now that he has had five full minutes of rest.

  
  


When he gets up, his head spins like the earth around the sun.

  
  


He walks through the house, and resists the need to snag small pieces of jewelry and other things. Toph is a literal metal detector.

  
  


He sort of needs to get a reason for Katara to let them kidnap her. Is “her parents are overprotective” enough?

  
  


Eventually, he finds his way to the source of the smell.

  
  


A dining room. Not quite the kitchen, but, were it not occupied by Toph, it would be nearly there.

  
  


Whoever went her to chaperone her is probably out right now.

  
  


“What the fuck are you doing here?!” she whisper-yells the question.

  
  


“I’m hungry. I smell _chicken_.”

  
  


She looks like she’s about to eat a towel.

  
  


“Fine, hide under the table. Quick, you don’t have any time!” she ushers him. “If you say anything, I will rat you out.”

  
  


He has a plan, and it is to nip at her fingers until she decides to feed him. Because he’s hungry and sort of stuck there.

  
  


Has his group taken notice of his disappearance? Are they looking for him? Would they miss him if he were to come off of the space under the table and be executed immediately?

  
  


He will wait, for now. 

  
  


“You still haven’t gotten my concussion cure.”   
  


“I will give you concussion square if you do not shut up.” she whispers back, through clenched teeth.

  
  


“Is that how you measure things in here?” he sort of gets the gist of the threat, but still, better safe than sorry.

  
  


“Later, alligator.” she whispers, as he hears somebody enter the room. And then, very formally, with no awkwardness, almost rehearsed: “Hello, father. Hello, mother.”

  
  


“Hey, sweetie.” a woman’s voice responds. It’s got a high, nasal pitch, and an overly sweet, condescending tone. He isn’t too mad at it, voice-wise. Maybe she should work on the patronizing stuff, though.

  
  


“Shu said somebody had been trying to meet up with you.” a man says. He isn’t too fond of his voice, either. It kind of makes him want to set himself on fire. Not a guy he would appoint as chief, to be honest.

  
  


“I wasn’t aware of that, Father.” she says.

  
  


“Still, Toph.” the woman he assumes to be Mommy Beifong says “You should be more careful about going in the garden, who knows who might see you.”

  
  


Okay. That’s weird. That’s really funny, how does someone know another person’s name by just seeing them?

  
  


Oh no, they heard him snort.

  
  


Toph kicks him in the mouth.

  
  


He fights back the urge to bite her sandaled foot.

  
  


They chit-chat a bit more, until a couple of servants enter.

  
  


He wants to go out and eat so, so bad.

  
  


_“Hey. Hey_.” he whispers, and pokes Toph a couple of times.

  
  


She has surprising kick strength, and surprising piety by handing him a bit of food.

  
  


“Sorry, I dropped it.” she says.

  
  


“Are you sure you don’t want someone to help you with stabbing it?” her mother asks. “Don’t get me wrong, you are a very strong young lady for trying, indeed, but you aren’t like other girls, sweetie.”

  
  


Sokka resists the need to rat her out as a literal pro-wrestler. But Mom Beifong is being truthful, he argues. She isn’t like other girls. Pro-wrestler, remember?

  
  


Their lunch goes on.

  
  


Sokka is blissfully unaware of what will happen in the span of the next several minutes.

  
  
  


-

  
  
  
  


They have picked a good house to rob, and a good hour to rob the good house for robbing.

  
  


They easily bypass the gates. Zuko, in his dragon form, is quite sneaky, she realizes. And he can also pick locks. It doesn’t make sense, but hey, she doesn’t remember if he actually has thumbs.

  
  


That is good, the general sneaky dragon stuff, not the thumb. She is quite sure that most people wouldn’t accept the sight of a dragon very well. Especially if it had opposable thumbs.

  
  


With a well-aimed piece of ice, she shatters a window.

  
  


That wasn’t a good move. It wasn’t even a particularly silent one.

  
  


Zuko jumps back. Aang, who had been strapped/child-locked to his head, startles and starts crying.

  
  


She realizes that’s the lunch area when they start hearing the screams.

  
  


But it’s too late to warn Zuko. He has ignored the crying child, to instead sniff the air and proceed to jump through the window.

  
  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Their lunch did not last for very long. Sokka wishes for it to rest in pieces.

  
  


But it isn’t time for grief, because someone broke into the house.

  
  


Someone broke into the house while they were having lunch. And they didn’t even have the un-guts to break in by any other place, no, it had to be the dining room window!

  
  


Whoever did that also has a baby. A crying baby, to be more exact.

  
  


Oh, fuck, Sokka realizes, for he knows of only one single criminal who has the simple lack of brain matter to the point of robbing a dining room with a baby in arms, mid-lunch.

  
  


His suspicions are confirmed by the clacking of claws against the floor.

  
  


He quickly makes his way from under the dinner table, for he has nothing left to lose, now.

  
  


“FEAR NOT!” he yells “I AM THE AVATAR, AND I WILL STOP THIS BEAST!”

  
  


Zuko gives him a long, long look. His lizardy eyes stare at him in the purest state of disappointment he’d ever been witness to.

  
  


Toph sighs.

  
  


He has an idea.

  
  


His idea is hauling Toph at the dragon, because really, she’s built like a small boulder. He doesn’t really run with the thought for long enough to remember that the dragon is his friend.

  
  


“WHAT-” She questions, when he grabs her, gently, and lifts her with great difficulty. Small boulder goes both ways.

  
  


Nearly dropping her, she is haphazardly thrown at Zuko. He realizes that the baby is riding on his head, this time, grabbing the horns desperately as he cries for his life.

  
  


Zuko gently grabs her by the hem of the dress, and rears back his head, sitting on his hind legs and lifting her off the floor.

  
  


Would it be weird for Sokka to think that they were going to start throwing that small child at each other like a rubber ball? Because he won’t lie, that would be a great idea.

  
  


“SOKKA, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THING?!” she yells. “PUT ME DOWN, PUT ME THE _FUCK_ DOWN- _IS THAT YOUR BABY SOKKA IS THIS YOUR CHILD- TELL IT TO PUT ME DOWN!_ ”

  
  


Everyone is yelling, now, because the dragon has a small, screaming child, and Sokka forgot to tell the screaming child about the dragon. Because of course. That is the kind of thing that happens to him and him exclusively.

  
  


The guards have arrived, he realizes. His realization, the connection of the dots, comes because they throw the door wide open, bursting in with questions of what is wrong.

  
  


“I’LL EXPLAIN LATER!” he screams “ZUKO, _OUT OF THE WINDOW!”_

  
  


Zuko gives one last look, and Aang gives one last scream. Toph does not give one last scream, technically speaking, for hers hasn’t stopped.

  
  


“AVATAR, _OUT_!” He yells, with finality, and jumps off too. It isn't too big of a fall, in the end, but it still hurts, even if only intellectually.

  
  


He realizes too late that she hasn’t been left indoors, and is now on the dragon’s grasp, as they run up to Katara.

  
  


“DO NOT DROP HER!" He orders. Toph is too powerful if planted down on the soil. “Toph, I can explain.”

  
  


“THEN _DO SO_! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” She’s panicking, visibly. And so is he, because there are people after them now.

  
  


“WE’LL EXPLAIN LATER, TOPH” He yells, seeing the guards. “HOW THE FUCK ARE WE GETTING OUT OF HERE?!”

  
  


Because there’s a whole mansion's equivalent of people after the bunch of them.

  
  


“OKAY, TOPH, CAN YOU THROW US OVER THE FENCE?” He yells.

  
  


“I’LL THINK ABOUT IT IF YOU PUT ME DOWN!” She screams, and Zuko complies.

  
  


The five of them - Toph included - are lifted off in a huge patch of land. Not as high as the bison could take them, just enough to catapult them off of the Beifong estate.

  
  


“Explain yourselves.” she says. He doesn’t know why she's including herself in the bunch.

  
  


“Wait a minute.” he says, in southern, and turns to Katara. “You didn’t even bring the bison?”

  
  


“ _The what now_.” asks Toph.

  
  
  
  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toph self-kidnaps. Zuko is shedding. This is not a set up for a joke.
> 
> I am not a reliable source of information, either.

  
It is a beautiful day. Toph can feel the warmth of the sun on her face.

  
She can feel things crawling on the soil - worm-rabbits and mouse-bettles - as she runs through it, discarding her shoes.

  
The birds are singing, gossiping around them, like they will fly all over town with the news.

  
The world watches them, commenting idly as she lifts herself and her companions up in an enormous boulder. It is a normal, everyday occurrence, really. Who doesn't flee from their house by self-catapulting? Isn't that a _normal_ , _everyday_ kind of happening?

  
If she is to be honest and trusted - and trust me, she is -, that day, despite how beautiful it must be, is not an ideal day.

  
But the beauty of a day isn't even remotely related to whether or not that day will suck absolute fucking ass.

  
Also, as a technicality, really, nothing too important, Toph just happened to kidnap herself. 

  
Now, this isn't a smart thing to do, even if the way she self-kidnapped gave her the advantage of being attached to her element, and not to a huge monster.

  
And those, my friends, are horrible sentences she is very sad to hear in her own head. Her inner monologue, that morning, is quite hellish, to put it in a properly pretentious way, such as how this story demands to be treated.

  
"Okay." she stops, and tries to say the right words in the southern dialect. "We're gone now. Tell me what, in the name of fuck, is going on!"

  
Something whines. Oh, did she mention the fact that there's some sort of monster with them?

  
"Sokka, is that your child again?" the lashing of a tail against the floor. It doesn't like being refereed to as a child, but that does not mean she isn't going to do it.

  
"No, that's Zuko." he says.

"And what, exactly, is Zuko?" she asks, deliberately slow, despite sort-of knowing the answer.

  
"A dragon." the girl from earlier deadpans. "Zuko is a dragon. He is also the _worst_ dude."

Toph _sTophs_.

  
And, with an immediate pang to her heart (it feels like being hit with a frying pan), regrets her life decisions. But her priorities were never straight, and she is now curious.

  
"Can I pet him?" This could be a place for a deep monologue. But this isn't a story with deep monologues, or decisions that are thought through.

  
So yes, that simple request, it's the way she exits, for the moment. On a boulder, pursued by guards, and with the company of a dragon.

  
"You should ask him directly." says the girl "I'm Katara, and you know Sokka. He's my brother."

  
"I'm still mad Sokka didn't tell me about the dragon." she says, and then turns back "Zuko, mighty beast of great deeds, may I pet you?"

  
The dragon, having let her down once - physically, but still -, growls at her. Worst dude, indeed. Except he is a dragon, and nothing else.

  
Thank spirits that's just a normal dragon, she thinks and smiles.

  
And then, someone babbles.

  
"Katara. Sugar queen. Is- Is that a baby- Is there a _baby_ in this dragon?" Toph already has her answer. She is feeling her answer's chubby hand in hers, because the answer is a small child.

  
"You didn't realize Aang was there until now?" she asks. "Are you blind?"

  
"Katara, that's rude! She's _blind_!" Sokka chides, slapping what she presumes is his face.

  
_"oH MY FUCK I'M SO SORRY_ -" Katara yells. It would be sudden, had Sokka not been so loud.

  
"Yup. You sure are. I'm sobbing right now. Where is your camp?"

  
"You're blind, though, I don't know how to show you there." Katara says.

  
"Game of hot and cold?" she asks, meaning it sarcastically.

  
And then, her sarcasm, the art she'd spent so long perfecting in the solitude of her room and her mind, it flies higher than that boulder, and passes right through the neutralized brains of the people she's stuck with.

  
"Sure thing!" Sokka says, happy at the conquest of her sanity. She throws the boulder to the left. "No, not that way, it's cold!"

  
And Toph, sadly, cannot go back where she came from, and go back to how things were when she woke up that morning. Not that it was good, but well, look at her now. Look at her. Look upon this bastard.

  
This is the moment, the very point, in which she loses the last shred of brain power she has to object to these people.

  
"Hot?" she asks, going into the other direction. It isn't like she can actually see the ground around them, to predict where they're gonna end up.

  
Maybe, she deliriously thinks, that isn't the moment she obtained braindead condition. Maybe that was when she accepted Sokka's request to have a fistfight. Maybe it was earlier.

  
_"COLD COLD COLD TOPH THAT'S A_ TREE _-"_

-

Bad news? It was a hard ass tree. Good news? It sure ain't now.

  
But hey, they're sort of at the camp! That's a big plus in her book.

  
However, she knows that the full story hasn't been revealed before her eyes yet.

  
"Still don't have the full story. Or a lunch."

  
"We didn't get to cook anything, because Sokka disappeared and Zuko decided to go on a robbery spree before I finished putting the rice to boil. We didn't even bring the bison." she speaks

  
"You still haven't explained the bison." but her request, as clear as it is, goes ignored.

  
"Oh fuck. Oh _shit_." Sokka says, collapsing into the earth, his legs trembling.

  
"Okay so, this all started a very long time ago." Katara says, poetically, and then: "We thawed out a toddler. The bison was with the toddler."

  
"Wait. I know you two speak water tribe and all that, but-" 

  
"Yes. The baby was on the ice." Katara deadpans. "It wasn't even thin ice."

  
"You don't... You didn't even question how he was _ALIVE_?!" She screams out the last word. _"HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HE'S ALIVE, LIKE, Y'ALL ARE SO-"_

  
"We aren't stupid enough to hang out with a decomposing corpse." Sokka argues "Plus, Aang is a perfectly responsive toddler! He is the pride of this camp!"

  
"Okay, all is fine." she rubs at her temples "And the dragon?"

  
"Zuko kidnapped Aang. He still hasn't told us why, but he was there too. And then we invaded his fire nation ship, and his Uncle hired us to go on a field trip with them, and then I'm pretty sure we pissed off another ship or something- and Zuko broke into a church so now we're wanted men!"

  
"Wait a minute. That's a lot to unpack, I'm repressing it. Wait up." she says. "Anyways, why did you kidnap me?"

  
"You kidnapped _yourself_." Sokka says "You didn't need to come with us, buddy."

  
"I mean, yeah." the girl - Katara or something - chimes in. "You didn't need to, but now at least I have someone to cook with."

  
Oh fuck, they're going to eat her, she notices dimly, as Katara picks up a knife.

  
And hands it to her.

  
"Do. Do you want me to stab you? Defend myself?"

  
"No, duh. Just chop up some radishes. This will be fine."

"She's blind." that's a fair point, but only when _she_ is making it.

  
"Yeah, I'm not cutting it. Sorry there, sweetie." she says, because she doesn't want to be subjected to things such as chores or sharp instruments.

  
"If you want to eat, you chop the radish." Katara bosses. " _Please_."

  
"How sharp is this knife again?" she picks it up.

  
"Sharp enough, even if Dekku refused to give us one of the really good ones."

  
"Are we eating just salad?" she asks, casually repressing some memories and dropping down in front of the cutting board.

  
"Can you tell me what the bison's name is? Like, I haven't received nearly enough in terms of explanation here."

  
"Oh. Aang called him Appa once." Sokka says, and his heart does an embarrassed skip.

  
"Sokka thought he was being called dad." Katara laughs. 

  
And Toph? She has _fuel_. She isn't going to stay with these people, but she has _fuel_.

  
"I DIDN'T! KATARA, STOP _LYING_ -"

  
"You're a liar." Toph points at him, procrastinating on the veggie chopping. "You're a dirty, _dirty_ liar."

  
  
"I DON'T OWE YOU THE TRUTH!" 

  
-

  
Zuko doesn't want to turn back, that day.

  
He knows he shouldn't stay like that - he could hurt someone! - but, you see, he's _shedding_.

  
His skin itches too much when he's human, these last few days, so he stays with his baby and the not-his-just-savages-he-keeps-from-fuckery people.

  
He _hates_ shedding. But at least, this time, there are no Shame Mittens. He will scratch himself in peace, for that is what every unsupervised teenager does.

  
Zuko has withheld the information of the Shame Cone and the Shame Mittens with success. That is also known "as he just didn't find time to explain it, and when he did, he didn't have the words". And he'd never thought it would happen with them around.

  
Until they ran away, he hadn't fully realized those not-invaders were going to live with them.

  
But, anyways, amongst the pros of being a dragon, at the moment, is not having to cook.

  
That would be good, were not their new Small One holding a knife.

And he knows dragons and people don't grow in the same ways, but still, she's too small. Nestlings can't have knives, even when they have thumbs.

  
This is the kind of situation that qualifies thumbs as temporary.

  
He wants to tell her that even he, the one who, at the moment, is thumbless, chops things better. But no, turning now would mean feeling the horribly overwhelming sensation that is shedding. And also, he can just-

  
He can just nudge her, right?

  
Puffing, he makes sure Aang is safe and attached to his horns, and slowly approaches the campfire. The fire is too weak, he soon realizes. Too easy to overtake, too small. It will be a quick detour.

  
One would think that, considering what happened to the left side of his face, he'd be a little wearier of fire. But here, one doesn't _think_. One just _breathes more fire into the fire._

  
With a puff and a huff, he unleashes Katara's screaming.

  
"ZUKO, NO, THIS WAS MEANT TO BE _MEDIUM LOW_ -" She yells.

  
But making it medium-high (or full high) would make it cook faster, he wants to argue!

  
Toph laughs, and says something in earth kingdom, under her breath.

  
He nudges her, as she looks like she's about to get a pretty bad cut if she doesn't pay attention to where she's putting the knife.

  
"No- No, you don't get raw radishes." Sokka says "You're on dragon jail now, buddy."

  
Oh, who cares, Zuko thinks, and takes the knife from nestling's hands.

  
The camp goes silent, as he finds a comfortable way to wield the object in his mouth. He can't let his teeth pierce it too much, and one of his fangs feels particularly close to falling (is he teething _again_?), so he ends up taking a bit too long to find a good grasp.

  
"Katara." Toph says, calmly "Katara, Sugar Queen. Can- Can you look this way a lil' bit?"

  
But Katara is too busy trying to cool down the flames. Zuko pretends he planned for that, for the next three seconds.

  
"kATARA, ZUKO HAS A _KNIFE_!" Sokka yells, snapping out of his stupor. "HE HAS A KNIFE _AGAIN_ , KATARA!"

  
Aang babbles something. But no, baby can't have knife.

  
Knives are for grownups, because only grownups can chop up the fucking radishes.

  
Really, who let the blind nestling get the knife? Zuko can clearly chop things better.

  
Actually, he thinks, he could just chew up the food and feed the camp like that. It's how his mom used to do it, and look, he might be the very worst a dragon gets, but even after Azula stopped transforming, she was still a great hunter!

  
He misses Azula. And he also misses being able to not be held back when he tries to chop up the fucking radishes, _agni-fucking-damnit-sokka!_

-

Somewhere a bit farther from there, a commotion arises.

  
Most people didn't know Lao Beifong had a daughter.

  
Most important of all, most people didn't know the girl who threw herself and her friends on a boulder through all of Gaoling's expanses, was Lao Beifong's daughter.

  
Those are not concerning facts.

  
There is not a mob.

  
Sometimes, narrators aren't reliable.   


  
-

In her legitimate defense, Toph doesn't know how to chop things, because her parents didn't let her _cut food on her own plate._

  
That was the first time she'd ever had a knife in her dirty, crusty baby hands. And she couldn't use it against the nice people whose lunch she had been invited to, because despite her usual, willing ignorance to social norms, she still knows them enough to tell that social norms usually dictate that you do not stab people in their fancy outdoor kitchen.

  
The dragon, however, is a mighty beast that doesn't know of social norms.

  
And she is loving it.

  
"Zuko, get down from the tree! We're not eating oak salad today, so drop the knife!" Sokka yells.

  
Toph is working so, so very hard not to lose it.

  
She can feel the heartbeats of those bastards, as they try to talk a dragon down from committing salad crimes.

  
It's beautiful. 

  
She doesn't care for visual arts, but this? This is artistic. This is incredible. She's never been through any experience quite this stressing. She can feel herself wrinkling and shriveling like a raisin-looking grandma.

  
"Please." Katara begs. "Just turn back, we need to talk."

  
Wait, _turn back?_

  
No, that can't be it. She'll ignore that sentence, for now.

  
Katara turns back herself, and walks up to Toph, sighing deeply.

  
"Drop the radishes on the rice, Toph."

  
  
"Are you sure?" she tilts her head "Like. They're mostly whole, just so you know."

But Katara has gone back. And Toph doesn't know enough about cooking to object to Whole Radish Rice.

  
It will probably be tasty if she puts in some herbs, right? 

  
"Where are your herbs?" she asks, but they're too busy yelling at the knife thief.

  
She, too, would be yelling at the knife thief, were she not the humble, humble woman who is seasoning all that food.

  
She rips off a piece of grass, and gives it a cursory sniff.

  
It doesn't smell like anything too bad, so she drops it into the rice.

  
She's never felt that accomplished in her life.

  
She's a fighter, not a cook, but it'll certaintly be better if the food is well-seasoned, right?

-

" _Toph_." Sokka says, seriously "Why does this look like-"

  
"Rude. I'm not talking to you anymore."

  
"No, I'm asking you why there is grass in all our food??"

  
"That's so rude." she smiles, and shoves down a fistful of the cursed chives, forsaking cuttlery. "I'm going to. I'm going to invent systematic oppression. Just give me a minute."

  
There's a piece of grass on her tooth. Clearly, she thinks, they should dry their herbs.

  
"Wait." she has an epiphany "Can any of you bend? Like, besides your sister, Sokka."

  
"Zuko can bend fire." Sokka says "And Katara's the last waterbender, so that's something."

  
"Can you dry herbs and stuff?"

  
"Like. Pull water out of things?"

  
Maybe that is an odd idea. Maybe they're about to stumble into some forbidden art.

  
"Well, I don't have any education on waterbending." Katara admits, sadly. "By the time I showed my bending, there was nobody left at our tribe who could teach me."

  
"Oh." she says "Shit, shouldn't have asked that."

  
"Oh, and the bison bends air." Sokka says, like that's a normal thing you just mention in passing.

  
The second level of the Toph sToph lair has been reached. Congratulations!

  
-

Lunch comes and goes, but the midday sun is still there.

  
Toph won't lie, she really wants to take a little nap.

  
So, that's what she does. She isn't about to do the dishes anyways, unless "doing the dishes" means sacrificing them to the cruel spirits of Breaking and Against The Tree.

  
She silently sneaks away, making her way to the shade of a tree. Well, she tries to.

  
Zuko comes up to her, and picks at a piece of her clothing, tugging her along.

  
"Oh, you're gonna eat me?" she asks, as the dragon leads her to the place where the sleeping bags and the bison lie.

  
He only quits tugging her around when she sits down next to the huge animal. She wonders how they got their hands on a sky bison.

  
"Zuko, stop that." Katara says, tired, as she rinses the dishes.

  
Sokka snorts.

  
"Like you ordering him around is going to stop anything."

  
Kicking back into the pile of bags, her mind and mouth both go:

  
  
"Wow, this is a good day. I sure hope nothing too bad happens." Because anyone can hang onto hope, even if for a bit.

  
And then, as she lays her head against the roots, she feels it in the earth.

  
Someone's approaching.

  
No, not a single someone. She should've found a more inconspicuous way to fling them off her family estate.

  
"Guys?" she asks "We have a problem."

  
"Uh?" Sokka looks at her from where he had been complaining about drying the dishes.

  
"Sokka, buddy, there's a mob after us."

  
"You can talk to them, right?" he asks her, as his voice turns into a whine "I'm so tired of being chased out of every town we go to! Toph, _pleasee_."

  
She gives him a good, long look.

  
"Do I look like I want to know how you keep getting chased out of every town you go to? Because I _really_ do."

"Toph, now isn't the time for that." Katara says.

"It is, though. If I'm running off with you, then I must know what sort of crime you do."

  
"Mostly trespassing. Zuko robbed an old lady once. Katara tried to kill a guy with a lemon. Other than that, just trespassing and breaking people's things." he hurries. "Now come on, we have to go!"

-

They arrived as the bison arrose.

  
The bison's improvised saddle is quite uncomfortable, now that she isn't too distracted by the screaming.

  
"This is kidnapping, you know."

  
"Should've told us earlier." Sokka says, ignoring her abject terror at the lack of any safety equipment.

Toph stands, eerily quiet, clearly scared shitless. She isn't going to hide it, she hates being in the air.

  
"You can hold my hand." Katara says. "Don't worry about gripping too strongly, either. First flight always sucks."

  
She doesn't hesitate, taking the hand in her bone-tight grasp. Because she may be stupid, but not that much. The dumbest dumb is the dumb who refuses help.

  
"When do we land?"

  
"Katara, when the fuck do we land?" 

  
"When we know nobody is following us."

  
"Zuko's gonna be so angry we're off course."

  
"He's a dragon, though."

  
"Oh. Yeah, there's that. Total dragon."

  
She can't tell if he's lying with her feet, but she has the budding feeling some shit's wrong, so she holds Katara's arm a little bit tighter.

  


**Author's Note:**

> today's content rec is: Cosmo Sheldrake!
> 
> yes i just send you music. bc theres nothing in my life other than that


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